


Kiss or Kill

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Enemies to Lovers, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Smut, Forced Marriage, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-11-13 12:10:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 86,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11184846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: After accepting whatever tension is between him and Negan a new perspective comes into play for Rick.  And what starts as accepting an offer from Negan that's for Alexandria's sake turns into something deeper. Rick soon finds himself on a path of self destruction with a pile of hard decisions.





	1. It's Natural to Be Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> First off to answer the obvious question, yes this is a re-post.
> 
> There were a couple of reasons why re-posting seemed like a good idea but mainly i wanted to make huge changes to the fic.

Just when Rick thought this entire situation couldn't get more fucked up, it got more fucked up.  Here he was straddling the fence between wanting to kill this asshole and wanting to give into him.

 

 

It was the way he got up in Rick's personal space intentionally, looked at him with hungry eyes, and how he gave off this sexual energy that lingered in the air so thick he could cut it with a knife.  Rick loved Michonne so it wasn't a lack of love or loyalty but he couldn't deny what was right in front of him. Attraction. The kind that you can't shake off no matter how much you want to, and damn, Rick really wanted to shake it off.  He hated this part of him that wanted someone who was a sadistic asshole. This was the same man who killed two members of his family violently, sent him into a foggy field of walkers, not to mention almost made him cut his sons arm off.  So why was he even entertaining this thought? Are Glenn and Abraham ashamed of him now?

 

 

Rick stood in his bathroom to cool himself down and prepare for what was another offering to the Saviors. He was never fully prepared to see Negan so he breathed in, then out and left his house. Any remnants of calm left him ages ago, calm was long dead and stopped into the ground until it was bleeding. Everyday he had gone back to when he thought Alexandria was where he'd keep his family safe but instead maybe coming in was the worst decision.  Michonne had been whispering to him about starting a war that he reminded would become a blood bath of epic proportions. Today he was the only one standing by the gate to wait for Negan which he understood because it wasn't the most pleasant experience, and anyone else would it difficult. Noises were coming from a short distance and that meant they were already here. Rick's nerves started to pulse, like they did every time and he started to feel like he was being gutted. After closing his eyes to what seemed like a second there was Negan stepping out of his vehicle dramatically like he always did.

 

 

"If it ain't the man I wanted to greet me. I missed ya" Negan grinned widely.

 

 

Rick opened the gate as slow as he could to savor the moments of Negan not being there. All the blood in his body was pulsing hard like someone shot adrenaline through his veins. It was hard to keep still and act like he wasn't about to do something sporadic.

 

 

"You know I have had some time to think and you know what I have thought?"

 

 

Rick shrugged then asked stoically. "What?"

 

 

He watched Negan lick his bottom lip slowly, "I might stop taking half of your shit." 

 

 

Clearly the look of shock on his face was evident and probably coming off heavier than Rick really wanted it to, but still what the hell made him come to this heavy conclusion. Was he just tired of dealing with Alexandria? Did he plan to kill them all? What was his reasoning?

 

 

Negan grabbed Rick by the shoulders then gestured they walk together while only Arat trailed behind them.

 

 

"We may not see eye to eye, hell you clearly hate my guts but I can't help but notice the friction here."

 

 

"What friction?" Rick tried to play it off like he no clue what he meant by that.

 

 

Suddenly he felt himself being led into one of the empty houses with just Negan and Arat just stood on the steps, he felt himself being pushed and he stumbled trying to gather himself. Once he was standing straight he was shoved against the nearest wall, he could almost feel Negans hand on his chest still. He looked straight into his eyes which were apparently hazel, the smell of cigarette smoke and desire were heavy in the air.

 

 

Negan smiled while he looked down at Rick who looked surprised and terrified all at the same time, it was quite the sight and not to mention pretty damn hot.

 

 

" This. All this friction between us. Fuck  you look so delicious right now and you may not even know it. Reminds of the night we met." Negan stuck his tongue out between his teeth. "You were so scared, trembling, but still so god damn beautiful."

 

 

No words were coming from Rick and he just kept glaring despite knowing how right he was about the tension between them, despite how a lot of hate was cradled in there it was hard to pretend it wasn't the truth, that there wasn't a destructive attraction continuing to brew for the past months.

 

 

Rick stared up at the older man trying not to give him too much else to run with. "What do ya want me to say?"

 

 

"How about how I'm right,how about you tell me how much you want me to kiss you right now, huh Rick?"

 

 

Almost hissing in response Rick tried to get away but was slammed back into the wall pretty hard and felt leather gloves against his chin.

 

 

"Fuck you." Rick hissed.

 

 

Negan just howled with laughter and gripped the younger man's chin harder, feeling the stubble lightly with his thumb. It was such a joy for  him to look at Rick in this state, trying to escape the inevitable, trying to pretend it wouldn't feel good. Trying to deny it.

 

 

He leaned in so close he could feel Ricks breath on his face and he stared into the bluest eyes he had ever seen in his life, they reminded him of a god damn tropical ocean.

 

 

Before Rick could even react or try to push him he felt Negan's lips against his they pressed hard against his. At first he didn't kiss back and tried to be more disgusted than he actually was. All that hatred was coming up like bile but it was starting to blend in with desire.  His hands were soon clinging to black leather and pressing harder into the lips of who he hated. The kiss wasn't romantic or soft but it was rough, aggressive, and it was most certainly tearing him to pieces on the inside. He felt Negan pressing his body into his and still the younger man couldn't pull away, he knew how wrong this was to himself, to Michonne, to all the other people he loved but the pull was intoxicating.  Of course the first person to pull away was Rick and he leaned back looking completely ashamed of himself.

 

 

Negan kept smiling at him with hazy eyes showing how he was definitely just as taken aback by how intense that was and somehow he came across a lot more soft rather than aggressive and crass.

 

 

"Good to know you enjoyed that." Negan's eyes averted down towards the bulge that was in Ricks pants.

 

 

"If you tell anyone I swear -" Rick was about to continue until he felt an index finger against his lips.

 

 

"Threatening isn't wise and you know that so I had to stop you there. But fine I won't tell your people about this, at least, not fucking yet. See ya next week gorgeous."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Next week rolled by quicker than Rick wanted it to and he didn't even tell Michonne or anyone for that matter what happened the last time. Even though he felt guilty about it.

 

 

This time it wasn't him alone standing by the gate instead Rosita had joined him, everything was still tense even though it's been a few months of this. No one were speaking of it much but Sasha and Maggie were still at the Hilltop together, Jesus had come back to say what happened to Maggies pregnancy and it made Rick feel ill. 

 

 

He looked at Rosita with a concerned look. "You don't have to be here when he arrives."

 

 

Rosita let out a really deep sigh and nodded because she understood that he was only looking out for her and not babying her or underestimating her strength. She touched his shoulder before retreating in the opposite direction.

 

 

The cars rolled up to the Alexandria gates but not as many as Negan would usually bring at all. Maybe he was meant it when he said he wasn't about to take half of his shit anymore. Regardless he had still made sure he scavenged and gathered up as much as possible because there was no way he would be under prepared just in case all that was complete bullshit. Wouldn't surprise Rick if it was.

 

 

As usual Negan stepped walking over to the gate without saying even a word because it was made clear early on that he shouldn't have to ask to get invited inside. Rick opened the gate allowing him to enter, he could feel his eyes on him more intensely this time. What was this man even thinking? Would this be the day he decided to kill all of them and take Rick back with him to be some sort of prisoner?

 

 

Negan's smile was a lot more soft this time around and not at all menacing but like he wasn't even the same person. "I meant what I said last time, I really might stop taking half your shit but we'll still collect a bit of what you scavenged. Arat and the boys have been instructed to only take a bit."

 

 

"What's the stipulation?" Rick asked dryly.

 

 

"Glad you asked that gorgeous. Meet me at the house we were in last time and I'll explain."

 

 

With that Rick started to walk in the direction of the empty house they had ended up in last week and waited on the front steps for only 10 minutes. Negan showed up and directed him inside the house and slammed the door behind him. They were headed towards the kitchen that had plenty of knives if needed.  The intensity of his gaze from a couple feet away was intimidating to say the least and Rick was thinking of what was about to happen now.

 

 

The older man stood there with Lucille at his side until he put the bat down against the wall closest to him. He rubbed the grey stubble on his face then pointing towards Rick without saying a word for a  moment.

 

 

"Now that we're alone I have to ask.. do you want me to kiss you again?" Negan bit his bottom lip in a sexual manner. "You're more than likely about to do that bad ass 'Grimes glare' which frankly is more hot than it is menacing."

 

 

Like clockwork Rick glared at him while leaning against the counter.

 

 

Negan nodded then looked down smiling. "Answer the question, Rick."

 

 

"Please I just don't -"

 

 

"It's a fucking yes or no question." Negan's tone of voice became a bit more angry.

 

 

Rick rolled his eyes and lied through his teeth, "No."

 

 

"That's bullshit if I ever heard it." Negan laughed. "Answer the question or I'll stop being nice."

 

 

"Yes, I do."

 

 

Shame was swallowing him whole and not releasing him at all, he didn't want to even crave this and certainly didn't want to believe this was reality right now. Especially not a reality that involved craving this man in a sexual manner. Rick didn't move an inch away from the counter as he watch Negan stride towards him, he paid attention to his long legs and the way that leather jacket always looked perfect on him.  When they were so close it was almost sickening he looked at the older man's lips and how much he was anticipating the moment that was coming next. They both started to kiss aggressively and Rick let himself go into the moment, losing all sense that he had. At this rate he really was slipping into some dark place that would be hard to crawl out of. Negan started to grind against him while digging his fingers into his back, which made him moan into their kiss. The heavy moans only encouraged Negan to keep going but he broke free from the kiss to whisper into his ear.

 

 

"Remember who you belong to." Negan whispered against Ricks ear.  "Say who the fuck you belong to, Rick." 

 

 

Rick felt that he could almost cry with how fucked up this situation had become but he responded anyways. "You... I-I belong to you."

 

 

"Yes you do. And truly belonging to me has its perks. I might never need to take from your people if you accept the offer I'm going to lay on the table for you."

 

 

"What is it?" Rick asked confused.

 

 

Negan licked his lips, "I want you and I always get what I fucking want so -"

 

 

"Can you please just tell me what the offer is.." Rick said annoyed.

 

 

"Hold your fucking horses, I was getting to it." Negan rolled his eyes. "The offer is if you agree to marry me then I won't take half your shit anymore."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://open.spotify.com/user/e891b5atg6xkhr1dipbtucfhc/playlist/02j7ORz1MyBd5UgmEyFXy4 check out this playlist for the fic.


	2. Trembling Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F0QsjIflZw is where the chapter title came from.

"Rick, you can't be serious." Michonne looked at him with confusion and disappointment.

 

 

No one seemed to take into account what this could mean for them and the community in general. He couldn't continue putting his family in danger because of his poor leadership anymore. This was the only thing he could do for everyone right now until they found a way out of this.

 

 

 

 "No. I have to do this, its my fault for thinkin' i could take down Negan in the first place.. and for what? Some food?  Yeah we were hungry but it wasn't worth this." Rick stated.

 

 

 

"So what does this mean for us?" Michonne asked with glossy eyes. "After all we've been through.. this is how we end? Because of him?"

 

 

 

"You make it sound like I want this."

 

 

 

"Well you must if you're choosing to go through with it."

 

 

 

Rick tried to reach out for her but she left the room in a hurry and expecting anything different was pointless. He was basically leaving home to go live with the monster who was terrorizing them. Everyone had been told recently in a big meeting what he was going to do, no one was happy about it. Especially not Carl who wasn't even speaking to him now but he didn't have to think about it. Eventually his family and the community would have to get he was doing this for them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Faint footsteps approached behind Rick which caused him to turn fast only to see Daryl standing there.

 

  
"You're really leavin' huh?

 

  
"Yeah I am, but I will come back.. when Negan gives me the opportunity." Rick tried to reassure him.

 

  
Daryl only nodded, "I trust ya, always have,always will. I love ya brother."

 

  
"Love you too."

 

  
Both men embraced each other tightly for as long as they could. And then Daryl was gone.

 

  
Twenty minutes later he heard the supply truck pull up at its usual spot, the only people who were with Negan were Arat and Simon. Which was a damn relief since he didn't want to have a bunch of random people watching him accept this proposal.

 

  
Negan stepped out in usual obnoxious strut only he was wearing a black t-shirt and dark pants, his leather jacket still on.

 

  
"Well hello my possible wife to be or should i say husband. Have you thought of my proposal?" Negan asked playfully but still stern.

 

 

Rick tried his best not glare at the older man. "Yes. I have."

 

 

"And?"

 

  
There was barely even a 30 seconds of silence before Rick gave him an answer. "I'll marry you. Under one condition."

 

 

Negan gave him a questioning look. "Which is what, gorgeous?"

 

 

"You don't harm anymore of my family."

 

 

"Done. I won't harm any of their pretty little heads. Now I see you packed somethings that saves me a shit load of time and glares from your people. Once we back to the Sanctuary we will finally tie the knot. Let's head out" Negan smiled in a sinister way.

 

  
Rick looked back to what he had to leave behind possibly for a long time but silently reminded himself that the kids would be okay, his family would be okay. And that helped him climb into the passenger seat.

 

 

The Sanctuary was just like how he pictured it after Carl described it and it definitely had a more survive type of vibe rather than thrive. He got out of the supply truck with Negan and suddenly felt a hand entangled with his. It didn't feel terrible but it was still terrifying how he wasn't all that uncomfortable with the casual intimacy. Once they got inside Rick couldn't help but notice how the place had a hellish ambiance, it reminded him of a horror movie. There were tons of people scattered around, getting food or other goods at booths. Rick noticed people staring at him strangely but he didn't think anything of it. Before he knew it he was in a nice room that had very stylish decor.

 

 

Negan pointed towards the white striped couch while he sat on the black leather one and breathed out. "We're finally here."

 

 

All Rick did was sit there waiting for either one of two things, him getting beaten to death with Lucille or having to actually get married to a lunatic. He always imagined marrying Michonne when the time was right, having a cute wedding with the whole family there, Gabriel would obviously marry them and everything would be completely perfect. But instead his next wedding will consist of a bunch of random people staring at him and Negan will end up his husband. It was all some twisted nightmare that he chose for himself.

 

 

"C'mon Rick its your wedding day!" Negan smiled. "Lighten the fuck up, it's gonna be a great night for us both I can promise that."

 

 

Rick nodded. "Um, when do we do this?"

 

 

"Soooooo glad you asked that! Hot damn look how eager you are. Well darlin' once you put on that tux to your left Simon will escort you to the required area and the knot will get tied. Then we will come back here and be on our little honeymoon."

 

 

He looked at Negan who got up and walked towards the door, of course Simon was right there speaking with him quietly. Then the door was shut behind them. Rick stared at the black tux and even saw dress shoes in the corner. First he took off his teal shirt as well as his jeans and put on the white button up, the black slacks then the shoes. He took a moment to take it in that this was essentially his last moment of freedom, the last moment he had not being his. 

 

 

Clearly Simon heard him walking towards the door because he opened it, once again he was being led to a room, there were a couple of Saviors standing there but it seemed to be for security measures. There was a wedding officiant casually standing beside Negan who looked way too happy about this marriage. He was guided down the isle with Simon beside him, it was so eerie to be getting married in this fashion. Hell it was even worse who he had to become bonded to.

 

The ceremony was pretty regular, it was speed up in some parts on account of Negan pushing the wedding officiant to go faster as if he was scared Rick could become some runaway groom.

 

 

"...I now pronounce you husband and husband, you may kiss the groom."

 

 

Rick and Negan locked eyes in different ways right then but regardless they leaned in to kiss each other.

 

 

Once their lips parted they left the room in a hurry. Neither of them spoke the whole walk back to Negan's room and it was probably better that way because striking conversation wasn't very easy right now. Finally they made it back there and Rick grabbed his clothes so he could walk to the bathroom and change back, but he was stopped midway.

 

 

"Where you goin baby?" Negan asked in the softest voice possible.

 

 

Rick was scared to make him angry somehow. "Just to the bathroom to change."

 

 

"You can change in front of me, we probably won't be in our clothes for very much longer."

 

 

That response caused Rick to start chuckling under his breath which then turned into full blown laughter, he almost fell on the ground laughing so hard. Who the fuck did he think he was to even presume they were going to have sex, let alone touch in a sexual manner right now or ever. He clutched at sides and tried to speak only to wipe the tears from his eyes.

 

 

Negan looked at him a bit angry but hurt at the same time. "What's so fuckin funny? You didn't seem to laugh this hard when we made out like sex crazed teenagers that last time."

 

 

"You can't possibly think I would ever let you fuck me." Rick breathed out.

 

 

He half expected Negan to punch him in the mouth then take him like he took everything else, but instead all he got was a nod with a very amused look on his face. Negan walked over to the bathroom himself and shut the door, the only sounds coming from there were clothes dropping on the floor, then a shower started to run a few moments after. Of course he had thought about how it would be to let Negan touch him again, have him dive deeper into this dark abyss he was headed down. But it felt like betrayal, it felt like someone was carving out all the things that made him who he was.

 

 

After what seemed to be forever the older man came out of the shower, still a bit wet, his dark hair was dripping. Rick looked at his body briefly and especially when the towel dropped on purpose.

 

 

Negan chuckled. "Like what you see, husband?"

 

 

Watching Rick squirm was something that Negan found so much delight in because he literally fell for it every time. But it was just a matter of time before he gave in, which he had an inkling tonight might easily be the night.

 

 

"So what if I do? We're not sleepin together tonight." Rick said.

 

 

"We don't need to sleep together tonight darling, if you aint ready for it I understand. But I can make you feel good."

 

 

What the hell was he thinking? He should have just avoided responding or even just shrugged to pretend like he didn't care. But he didn't which raised the question on if he did want to fuck him. He stared at Negan as he crawled in beside him and stretched his arm out around Rick's body, caressing his side so gently. They both laid like that for 5 minutes until he could feel the older mans body grinding against him, his dick pressed against his ass which caused Rick to surprisingly moan quietly.

 

  
Negan moaned loudly against his neck then whispered, "Mmm you sure you don't want me to do anything?" His tongue flicked slowly against Rick's neck. "Because I saw how you were lookin' at me earlier. All you gotta do is give me permission."

 

  
"Permission for what?"

 

  
"Whatever you want, ball's in your fucking court."

 

 

Without another word he suddenly felt Rick turn over and kiss him hard, they rolled around the bed trying to see who would end up on top, surprisingly it wasn't Negan. Their lips smashed together so hard it could almost hurt but the pleasure was too overwhelming. Hands all over. Lips all over. Tongue all over.

 

 

Negan flipped him over onto his stomach and started planting kisses from his neck straight to his lower back. His hands squeezed his ass through boxers. That were being tugged at but not pulled down just yet.

 

  
"Want me to give you a mind altering blow job? The thing I can do with my mouth will rock your fucking world." Negan smiled.

 

  
Rick found himself nodding frantically only because his dick was pretty hard already.

 

  
"Good 'cause I'm itching to swallow that cum. You probably taste so damn good. Have you ever tasted yourself? Oh wait probably fucking not, probably never had a finger in your ass have you?" Negan was chuckling.

 

  
A warm mouth was wrapping around his dick suddenly and Rick moaned loudly from the pleasure. He soon realized that Negan wasn't lying about being good with his mouth. Negan was humming against his length and Rick felt an impulse to fuck his mouth.  Rick grabbed onto the slicked back hair and started thrusting hard.

 

 

Unfortunately the older man was enjoying the aggressiveness and not choking on his own spit.

 

  
Rick started to chuckle lowly, "Hows it feel to have my dick in your mouth like that?" He ripped Negans head off and waited for his answer.

 

  
"I like the change of pace darling, you go from whiny as fuck to a total bad ass in no time. Seems I didn't break you that fucking badly."

 

  
Just when he was going to fuck Negan's mouth again he was pushed back and then a hand was holding him down.

 

 

Negan stared at him and looked even more overdosed with lust, "I'm gonna play with your asshole baby."

 

  
"Okay." Rick breathed out.

 

Negan reached over to his night stand and pulled out a bottle of lube. He then proceeded to pop the cap and squirted some onto his fingers. In an excited fashion he opened up Rick's ass, sliding one finger inside his hole but he noticed there was slight discomfort from Rick.

 

 

Blue eyes has definitely never had a finger in his ass in a while or ever.

 

 

The pain wasn't unbearable but it definitely felt good, different, but still very damn good. Negan's fingers moved inside his hole at a regular pace and then another finger was slipped inside. Pleasure overload. After a nice good few minutes of vigorous fingering he felt the fingers leave only for a tongue to replace them. Negan eagerly licked inside his hole which made him quiver and the world felt like it was spinning around in circles. But he didn't stop and just kept going like his life depended on it.

 

 

Having his asshole fingered was one thing, definitely pleasuring and he'd only experienced once before. But Rick had never had his ass eaten. He desperately wanted his dick to be paid attention to again, only to get his wish granted right away. The older mans hand started to stroke it and Rick's toes were curling.He could feel a hand slapping his ass hard that it most likely left a mark, that contact alone could have easily sent him over the edge. His body felt so limp at this point while his legs shook on Negan's shoulders.

 

 

"Mmmm fuck you're so god damn beautiful." Negan purred. "Just wait til I fuck you baby, you'll cum even harder for me."

 

 

All it took was Negan hitting his pleasure spot and he unraveled like a ball of  yarn. Rick was panting, trying to catch his breath after the overwhelming orgasm. He didn't even notice how much he came because Negan immediately lapped it up.

 

 

"That was ..." Rick tried to say.

 

 

"Intense and admit it I rocked your fucking world."

 

 

"It was good." Rick replied.

 

  
The moment his body settled down from the intensity he started to feel ashamed all over again. He had given in so easily to Negan like the situation was normal. And it wasn't by any means. They called it a night once Rick rolled over on his side and laid in fetal position. Hands wrapped around his stomach which he didn't shrug off, instead he leaned against Negan for the warmth.

 


	3. Porcelain

 

One month had gone by since he got married to Negan and it hadn't been so bad. Nothing of a sexual nature had happened since the last time. Rick wasn't sure he wanted anything like that to happen again because the aftermath was kicking him in the ass. He didn't want to crave Negan or even enjoy his touch. If anyone saw the way he sometimes looked at him they would feel disgusted as well. Lately when he jacked himself off he would picture riding Negan and then wrapping his hands on the older mans throat, squeezing until he had no breath left. And the thought itself made him feel sick.

 

  
Then there was the wives.

 

  
He was introduced to all of them the day after the wedding, most of them were fine with his presence. Others not so much. Rick almost wondered if they viewed him as a threat of some sort. A few days ago he saw Negan making out with one of the women and felt almost jealous. Even though he didn't have feelings like that for Negan it brought him back to what happened with Lori.

 

  
Today Negan was going to Alexandria to collect just bullets since Eugene was still making them and other than that he had chosen not to take any other supplies. When they both had that conversation it almost didn't seem real, because there he was accustomed to Negans ways already only for it to do a big turn around. It meant his family and the community wouldn't have to suffer and that relieved him. He was allowed to explore the Sanctuary whenever he wanted so he thought to take this opportunity to maybe speak to the wives and possibly get to know someone so then he would have another person to speak to. Once he got to the room where the wives were often at he made eye contact with one of them whose name was Frankie, she gave him a friendly smile then returned to conversation. It was one of the nicer rooms here truth be told and to get this time to rest his mind was a damn gift, Rick took a seat at the bar and noticed a woman standing there, he only knew that her name was Sherry but that was it. She had always kept to herself whenever he came around, sure she would acknowledge that he exited but not much else.

 

  
"Hello," Rick said softly looking her way.

 

 

Sherry looked strangely stunned for a moment and replied back. "Hey."

 

 

He poured himself some whiskey then relaxed into his seat, the silence was by no means awkward surprisingly but Rick would sure prefer some decent conversation over silence.

 

 

"Hows it goin?"

 

  
"Could be better.." Sherry casually shrugged. "Could be worse."

 

 

Rick watched as she downed her whole glass then went to pour herself another which not only meant that she was on edge, but that the liquor was the only thing soothing her.

 

 

"Do you know that every time he swings by to all of us it usually consists of him talking about you? He's clearly invested in you." Sherry sounded relieved and subtly happy about that.

 

 

"I - I didn't know that.. he never told me -"

 

 

Sherry chuckled very lightly. "Of course he didn't. It's because you seem to be something more to him than we are."

 

 

In that moment he was difficult not to be taken aback by her words, what the fuck was he to Negan? A toy to be played with, another one of his spouses that either did or didn't want to be there, or something more altogether? The questions that shuffled around in Rick's mind brought him a lot of fear. He didn't like the idea of feelings developing on either end, this was just an arrangement.

 

  
Apparently even thinking about Negan was like summoning him because he was soon strolling into the room. He briefly greeted the wives but went straight for him and kissed him softly.

 

  
"How are my spouses doing on this fine fucking day?" Negan asked loudly.

 

  
There was minimal response but that didn't seem to bother him in the slightest, all he did was shrug at the lack of response and turn his attention back to Rick.

 

  
"Let's go to my room or should I say our room? Not like I've assigned you a room of you own which I usually fucking do that shit. But I can't get enough of you Blue Eyes, no sir." Negan's hand was on his lower back and then his ass.

 

  
"Can we not do this here?"

 

  
"They don't mind. Believe me most of them are freaks in the sheets so if anything they'll probably enjoy this. But fine your wish is my command!"

 

  
Rick had a hard time believing that was actually true because the things he wished for in regards to Negan wouldn't be enjoyable, for Negan anyways.

 

 

"Sure it is." Rick dead panned.

 

  
The moment he stumbled through the doors of the bedroom he stood near the couch impatiently. "How's everythin back there? Is everyone okay?"

 

 

"Yeah for the most part, can tell they miss the fuck outta you though.. especially Michonne. She looked all broody when I mentioned you. I bet she would love to hear that I'm gonna fuck your ass senseless." Negan licked his bottom lip and made eye contact.

 

 

"That won't happen so go ahead and tell her." Rick glared hard.

 

 

"You keep saying that but okay. Maybe I can tell her how tight your asshole feels on my fingers?" Negan teased.

 

 

"Please. Don't tell her." Rick tried to sound calm but he was definitely coming across as agitated.

 

 

"Pardon fucking me, Rick. But you don't get to tell me what I can't say."

 

 

Rick scoffed. "Go ahead then, tell her. I - never mind no need to say it.. you might not even listen anyway."

 

 

"No by all means, tell me.. I will warn you that now I'm in a shit mood." Negan stared at him with the most blank face possible.

 

 

"I still .. I still l-..." 

 

 

Negan almost read his mind and finished his sentence for him. "..love her. You still love her."

 

 

"Yeah."

 

 

"That's fine, but just know that because you're mine and I mean all mine.. that if you so much as kiss her, let her touch you in any way I don't appreciate then I will make their lives a living hell. Got it?"

 

 

Rick nodded quickly making it known that he understood the gravity of the situation, but also very surprised that he only got a warning for even saying that in the first place.

 

 

"Now let's get down to business, shall we?" Negan grabbed Rick quickly and twirled him around, pressing his growing bulge against him. "You sure you don't want this?"

 

 

"Yes." Rick answered shakily. "Or I don't know anymore."

 

 

"I'll ask one more time and if you say you don't I'll leave it alone.. for tonight." Negan said before pushing his bulge into him again. "Do. you. want. me. to. fuck. you?"

 

 

His mind was screaming so many things at once, Rick was pretty horny at this point so he could just let himself get off. But he would feel like shit afterwards, that was a guarantee. This would change him in different ways so he'd have to prepare for that.

 

 

"Fine. Let's do it." Rick swallowed hard.

 

 

Negan chuckled darkly behind him and pressed his mouth close to his ear. "Bend over the couch right now."

 

 

He obeyed Negans orders without hesitation then waited for the inevitable thrust to stretch him out. But there wasn't any thrusting just yet, in fact he took his time with foreplay. Negan fingered him, ate him out, made sure his ass was lubed up really good. What surprised Rick the most was how he didn't just get it over with, he had every opportunity, could have fucked him into the couch and made it hurt. There was no way that Negan was a good person but he had some decency in this arrangement. Though it didn't matter if he cared about Rick because that wouldn't change anything, not now, or ever.

 

 

"Want me to fuck you against that wall or the couch?" Negans voice was husky and low, breathing against his ear.

 

 

"Th-the wall.."

 

  
Rick wanted this to be as impersonal as possible, to avoid signals getting misread and to avoid looking him in the eye.

 

  
They both collided into the wall so fast and he watched the older man unbuckle his belt, his pants flopped to the ground. He was in just those tight black boxers that hugged to his ass perfectly. Negan kissed him hard like he was intending to hurt him for whatever reason. Each of their hands were all over each other and his shirt was being ripped off, alongside his pants. All he had on were boxers now. The rest pretty much consisted of pure aggression and all that was missing was fighting.

 

 

Negan wasn't going to pretend he didn't enjoy having Rick say yes. He thought it would take a bit longer but it didn't matter now. He twirled Rick around so that his perky ass was out for him and Negan gave it a good spank. The sound he got out of the younger man was the hottest thing he'd ever heard. At first he just teased the loosened hole with the tip which was more teasing for him.

 

 

"Just so you don't say I raped you 'cause I hate that shit, do you consent right now?" Negan asked seriously.

 

 

"Yes."

 

 

"Okey dokey smokey."

 

 

His dick was already in position so Negan slid inside really slowly to get the younger man adjusted to the feeling. And he heard the groans of pain as well as pleasure. But the moment he was filling Rick to the brim he started to gain a motion. He didn't want to scare him so he went an agonizingly slow pace to get started. Then he noticed Rick was whimpering which he couldn't tell if it was pain or him being super turned on.

 

 

"You alright darling?" Negan asked in a soft tone of voice.

 

 

"Fuck me harder!" Rick growled.

 

 

"I don't know if you can fucking handle tha-"

 

 

Rick bounced back himself to show the rhythm he wanted.

 

 

"Someone's eager to get pounded. Alright I'll give you what you want but you asked for this shit."

 

 

  
Negan didn't waste any time with thrusting so hard he heard Rick's face smack into the wall. His pounding was relentless like a release of agitation between them.

 

 

Negan moaned so loud that it echoed in his ears. "Mmm that's right baby, you already love it."

 

 

"Mmm yes I do." Rick moaned while gripping to the wall for dear life.

 

 

He pounded into him faster and moans came from both their mouths in unison.

 

 

"Fuck I'm going to cum pretty damn soon baby. Want it in your ass?"

 

 

"Yes." Rick blurted out and began stroking his throbbing dick as he felt the final thrusts from Negan. There was warm cum filling him up then his own was spurting out.

 

 

Each of them were breathing hard but when Rick looked over his shoulder he saw a smile from the older man. And now that shitty feeling he knew would come was already there.

 

* * *

 

_His eyes were staring him down so intensely like he was burning holes through him, and Rick had to kneel there and take it.  After he just threatened him he though he would undoubtedly pay some insane price, especially once he was given his axe. But Negan just stared at him, his hazel eyes almost handing him some sympathy that had more of a sprinkle of pity, rather than genuine sympathy._

  
  
_Negan cracked a small smile then it turned to a grimace as he stood up sliding his axe into the utility belt he had on. The bat that he called 'Lucille' was covered in both Abes and Glenn's blood, it was making him feel like he could vomit and cry right there. He would almost prefer falling into the gravel, feeling it under his body while rapid tears flooded down his cheeks. Instead he was suddenly being dragged off by his coat towards the RV._

  
  
  
_His hands and knees were scrambling against the gravel while Negan spoke, "Be right back.. maybe Rick will be with me. If not .. well we could just turn these people inside out won't we? I mean the ones that are left."_

  
  
_Rick was suddenly thrown into the RV almost hoping this would be the last of this horrific time, but it wasn't even close to over. He felt Negan's hands toss him towards the back and watched as he slammed his ax into the table._

  
  
_"Let's go for a ride." Negan said while he sat down in the drivers seat of the RV, which failed to run right away._

  
  
_"Wow.. What a piece of shit. " He paused only to mock the very serious threat Rick made earlier. "I'm gonna kill you.. heh heh heh, are you kiddin' me? Did you see  what just happened? What I just did?  Uh your best chance is to stand up , grab that ax and drive it through the back of my head. See how you do, keep actin' tough. Go ahead , grab the damn ax."_

 

  
  
_Rick leapt up with all the strength he had and was able to grab the ax, only to have Negan turn around just as fast with a machine gun. They were at a very pathetic stand off and when he heard Negan tell him to drop it, he did.  Abruptly Negan punched him so hard in the stomach he lost breath in his body and flopped to the ground.  He watched Negan slam the ax so close to his face._

  
  
_"Don't make me get up again." Negan gave an unimpressed look. "Well look at that.. dawn is breakin'. Its a brand new day, Rick."  
_

 

* * *

 

 

 _  
_ The blood was dripping down his wrist so neatly and he couldn't stop himself, he didn't cut too deeply and even if he did in that moment it was like he was soo numb it wouldn't matter. He had failed everyone, he had failed Abe, he had failed Glenn, he had failed everyone he loved, it was pointless for him to be here. Tears drickled down Rick's face as he tried so hard to shake that memory that sprung him awake but he couldn't, Michonne wasn't here to make it better. He started to feel faint from the booze he downed while Negan was asleep and plus the cutting. And he slipped causing him to cut a bit deeper. Seconds later it was lights out.

 

  
Voices were erupting in the room like there was yelling going on, his sight was completely blurred and he felt a pain in his wrist that reminded him what he did. All he could do was start silently sobbing to himself as he saw where he was, the medical room. He saw Dr. Carson standing there with his arms crossed while Negan was shouting every curse word in the book at him. That was until he noticed that he was awake finally.

 

 

"Oh my fucking god, Rick. I was so worried." Negan wiped his eyes like he was almost in tears. " You were passed out on the bathroom floor, there was a razor beside you and blood...god damn I thought..I thought - "

 

 

Rick could barely look at him because that memory had bubbled all that hate to the surface, now it was mixed in with the conflicting thoughts that made him only a little disgusted with himself.

 

 

He couldn't help but let out deep sobs, "Y-Y-You killed them..his blood was all-all over my face."

 

 

Negan just stared at him with a stunned expression and this time there was no anger there, no pointless banter on how he had to do it, how his men were killed, how they were the same. For once it looked like he understood where he was coming from, like he finally got it.

 

 

 

"Uhhh Doctor, he's gonna be fine right?"

 

 

The doctor nodded and gave specific instructions and what was best for Rick right now, he even told him to give him some Ativan to help calm him down. After a couple of minutes he was left alone with Negan who not only sat by him while he laid there but he held his hand. It felt way to normal but he wasn't about to fight him because he didn't even have the strengthen for that. He hated himself for wanting Negan, for letting him touch his body, for making him feel anything other than hate, for slowly feeling things for him that he shouldn't.

 

 

Yet here he was allowing the man to sit with him while holding his hand.

 

  
A couple hours went by and his eyes opened slightly to see if Negan was even awake and he could hear mumbling, but he didn't show that he was fully awake just yet. He just listened to what Negan was saying since he thought he was still asleep.

 

 

"I know you think I'm a monster. Hell I am.. but I didn't know who they were to you, at that time I didn't even give a flying fuck but when I saw you laying there like that I just couldn't help but think of Lucille.. because I couldn't stop what happened to her. Hopefully someday soon you don't wish me dead."

 

 

Rick kept his eyes closed and felt this pang of unwarranted guilt swirl in with the hate, the want, the need and the desire. Why should he feel sorry for the man who ruined everything. Who had taken so much from him that he can't get back now. The person who broke him intentionally and tried to make it seem just. Rick shouldn't believe anything he says but it was hard not to, it was really damn hard. 


	4. Mine

 

 

Another month had gone by for this marriage and Rick had been to Alexandria a few times but it felt different there. Ever since he left things had taken different turns. Michonne was the leader now for the most part which obviously didn't bother him. Any discussion they had was on the state of the community, how the family has been, if Judith was doing okay and she was. Not that he should be upset about this but everyone seemed to be getting by without him, not that anyone had a choice in the matter but in the same instance it was a bit disheartening.

 

  
Rick didn't mention his little trip down self harm avenue because he didn't want anyone to worry, since he almost did bleed out all over Negan's bathroom floor. Some part of him didn't want to die but another part couldn't take the flash backs anymore, it was soo traumatizing to relive that so many times over. Then to touch, lick and kiss on the man that was the center of it all was sickening in several ways, but he was knee deep in whatever it was he had with him. It wasn't all hate now, and he wanted to hurt himself again for even enjoying the time he spent with the man.

 

  
For some reason Negan told him to go the lounge room for a meeting of sorts and he couldn't imagine what he needed to address to him and the wives there.

 

  
"So I got some possibly great or terrible news for you ladies. I have thought long and fucking hard on this believe me, had my balls in a knot for a couple of days but I have decided.. to cut you loose.." Negan exclaimed loudly.

 

 

The wives stared at him confused, some of the women looked relieved, others looked pissed off and stared at Rick.

 

 

".. Which means you will no longer be my wives, that means Sherry you can go straight the fuck back to Dwight, or whatever your pretty ass desires. Amber you can try to crawl back to Mark's decrepit ass, everyone else you can screw whoever you want, screw each other.. I don't care. You're off the goddamn hook, the marriage certificates will be terminated by the end of the day. " Negan did his signature lean. "Since I feel super fucking generous you won't have to go back to workin for points either. Now skedaddle.. me and my hot husband got a few things to discuss."

 

 

  
Everyone including Rick was confused by this all of a sudden change of heart but nevertheless everyone rushed out fast, the only people left in the room were them. The relief had dissipated now all that was left was sexual desire and Rick was prepared to more than likely get bent over this bar.

 

 

"Why'd you do that?" Rick stared at him wide eyed and utterly confused.

 

 

Negan furrowed this eye brows, "Why the fuck not? Wasn't like I loved any of em, it was me filling a void that was left after Lucille died. Besides they'll be happier in the long run."

 

 

"Never thought you cared bout their happiness or anyone else's for that matter."

 

 

Which couldn't be a complete lie because Negan wasn't the most selfless person around.

 

 

"Well turns out.." Negan started to smile genuinely. "That I do care. Anyways I got tasks to attend to, Fat Joey will bring you lunch. See ya later Blue Eyes."

 

 

When lunch time approached there was a knock on the door and right behind it was Joseph with a plate of food.

 

 

"Here's your lunch, Rick. I made sure that you got some of those special chips that one of our guys makes here." Joseph smiled.

 

 

"Thank you, have you spoken to Negan? Will he come back anytime soon?"

 

 

Joseph shook his head. "Nope, only spoke to the man in charge once today and that was an instruction to bring you food at the scheduled times or else."

 

 

"Or else what?" Rick asked seriously, waiting for a proper answer to that question.

 

 

"He didn't say but I think it wouldn't be wise if I tried to find out what."

 

 

On that note Joseph left the room with his push tray after grabbing the dishes that Rick left on the coffee table. He was once again left with too much silence, which made him go over to the CD player. Without even looking at what CD was in there he pressed play and an unexpected song started to play.

 

 

_If you need me, call me_

  
_No matter where you are_

  
_No matter how far_

  
_Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry._

  
_On that you can depend and never worry_

 

The song went on and the lyrics started to cause a weird feeling inside him especially since it was a song he never thought Negan would ever listen to. Rick wondered in amusement and started to fix himself a drink. This time it was some nice spiced rum and it was easy to drink, which made him drink way too damn much.

 

 

He ate his BLT that was brought in earlier and the home made chips which were surprisingly delicious. Since it was still early in the day presumably he wouldn't be seeing his murderous husband until later he took the time to wander about the Sanctuary. No matter how many times he took little repeated tours it always got bigger somehow, like he hadn't explored every room since some were locked up. There were always sketchy people standing around, the types of people that in his old life he would have easily arrested several times over. But he wasn't that man anymore, he had been done pretending that was him a long time ago.

 

 

Rick started to walk down a bit of a dark hallway and there were some men standing there, he didn't know very many peoples names but he recognized their faces from a previous time. Just when Rick thought it would be a peaceful day they stopped him in his tracks, which he tried to get around them but couldn't.

 

  
"Um, excuse me.. I gotta get by." Rick said sternly.

 

 

The really tall man standing closest shook his head and pushed him backwards, he wasn't in the mood to get into a confrontation so he tried to walk the other way but got blocked off by some creepy pudgier man.

 

 

"Sorry, pretty boy but we can't let you by. Holy fuck you gotta be more prettier than most of Negan's old wives, no wonder he fucks your ass every night."

 

 

They all cackled at him which was causing this whole situation to become a bit more dangerous and that instinct to get the fuck out of there was kicking in but Rick was really cornered. He didn't want to seem weak by calling for Negan but he had no choice, and anyone could hear him yelling for help.

 

 

  
"Negan!" Rick yelled at least once before getting punched in the stomach.

 

 

Each of the men took turns hitting him in the face, punching him, kicking him all over his body. He winced in pain and was able to get a kick in here or there but he wasn't able to fight off more than 3 men in the current state he was. It made Rick feel so weak and pathetic, needing Negan to come rescue him would be even more pathetic.

 

 

  
"Look at you, a weak little pussy bitch. Yelling for your husband like a damsel in distress, maybe you got a nice tight ass like a damsel in distress too. Lemme see."

 

 

Rick tried to fight them off but he kept getting pushed to the floor, he still had on bandages because that area was sensitive after he sliced himself open pretty deep. He felt the world sort of turning which could be him wanting to puke from anxiety. They kicked him multiple times til he could barely get up, and Rick had no energy anyways. He noticed someone unzipping their jeans and he struggled to get away but was flipped over immediately, he started to sob silently knowing what might easily happen on this dank floor. No one else was even around, his face was being pushed down so it was hard to breathe, let alone cry for help.

 

 

  
He could feel his pants getting tugged down and he was letting his mind go somewhere else, he remembers what the term was called for that. Dissociation.

 

 

Back when he had gone to counseling after seeing some horrific things while on the force the therapist he saw had mentioned how sometimes people experience dissociation to escape traumas, this was one of those moments. There was cold air on his body all of a sudden and Rick knew his boxers were slid off a bit now, he was adjusted to be on his hands and knees. Rick noticed two fingers looking to inch inside him, while the other man had his disgusting dick out, pushing it towards his mouth. He couldn't believe this was happening to him, these types of sick fucks deserved to be dead. Not only that but why risk Negan finding out about this? His body was being held in place and he felt pathetic that he could barely stop this from happening.

 

 

  
As the sounds that were surrounding him started to fade slightly he could still hear this loud thumping, sounded like someone was running towards the scene. There were scuffles of shoes but the screams coming from one man were just who he needed it to be. Negan.

 

 

  
"What in the fucking fuck is fucking going on!" Negan spat so venomously that his words alone could kill.

 

 

  
The tall man who was trying to put his fingers in responded. "We didn't think you'd care.."

 

 

  
That response was probably the stupidest thing that he could have said because Lucille slammed against his face so fast, he flung to the ground writhing and bleeding. But Negan didn't stop bringing Lucille down onto his face, until it was so unrecognizable that it made what he did Glenn and Abe look tame. That man's brains were mushed and his skull was so caved in it literally reminded Rick of a busted up melon. But the three other men stood very still despite knowing they would meet a similar fate, or would get the iron twice over.

 

 

 

Negan started to laugh with blood on his face. "You guys are seeerrriously fucked. I'm gonna make you pay for this so much you're gonna wish you got your brains bashed in like Trevor over here just did."

 

 

  
Just like that the men that had followed behind Negan when he came rushing to Ricks aid took the three scum bags away fast, and suddenly they were alone.

 

"Oh baby, what the fuck did they do to you? I swear to fuckin Christ if they ..."

 

 

Rick stopped him before he could start. "No they didn't get the chance to ... all I felt were fingers near my asshole and someone else was getting ready to put his dick in my mouth."

 

 

His words alone made Negan close his eyes to breathe in deeply before he tore someone else apart.

 

 

  
"Don't you worry, they will pay for what they just did and tried to do. There are rules, and rape is a big no no in the Sanctuary. Its also a big god damn no no in my own rule book. This is some sick shit and them fucking with you earns an even bigger punishment than normal. C'mon darlin', its time you see what happens if anyone else tries to hurt you like that."

 

* * *

 

  
"Normally I would say I don't wanna do this..that I can't ignore the rules but this time I do wanna do this. Everyone and I mean everyone should clue in to why, because no one messes with this man right here." Negan points over to Rick. "He is my husband, now that may not mean shit to anyone of you, but it means a hell of a lot to me.. so what you're about to witness is gonna be brutal. And people remind me what do the rules do?

 

 

  
The crowd of people responded in unison. "The rules keep us alive."

 

 

 

"We survive, we provide security to others. We bring civilization back to this world. We are the Saviors. But we can't do that without rules. Rules are what make it all work. Again normally I would remind everyone that its the iron for those who break the rules.. but today I might get a little more fucking creative."

 

 

 

The three men who tried to rape Rick earlier were strapped to different chairs pretty tightly, squirming in their seats, awaiting their fates.

 

 

  
Negan pointed Lucille towards the man named Jeff. "So my husband here told me you were going to make him suck your dick, how fucking depraved are you?"

 

 

 

"Didn't think it would matter, go ahead and iron my face.. I'm ready for it."

 

 

  
Everyone in the room remained as silent as possible, even Negan which was shocking since he almost never shut the fuck up. But breaking the silence wasn't very hard when he lifted Lucille up and bashed it down on Jeffs knee, earning a scream from him that could haunt a normal person. Negan didn't even stop there he bashed almost every part of the mans body, breaking his bones eventually after a couple slams. He was looking like a mangled mess. He didn't even listen to any pleas for mercy, all he did was start slamming Lucille down on his skull harder and harder, there was literally no Jeff left, just a limp broken up body with a smashed in skull. Rick stared over at the other two men and almost let a smile slip while they whimpered in fear for whatever was about to happen to them next.

 

 

  
All that happened to the second man was him getting teased with the iron for a bit, until he got untied from the chair while being forced to stand up. Negan gave him a talking to, assured him that this would literally be the last time he broke any rules, which the man thought he was being spared, until last minute Negan did a damn running sprint with the man towards the furnace and threw him in. Screams echoed while the body shook in the fire, and that caused looks of horror within the crowd.

 

 

  
Of course the last man was almost hopeful but shouldn't have been, there was a bit of a wait to figure out what would happen to him. Then Negan gestured for Rick to come over, which he did. There was a knife being held out for him and it was obvious what he wanted him to do with it, he wasn't opposed to doing so but it had been a while since he killed a living breathing person. Rick watched as the man whose name was apparently Len stared at him only to spit right in his face. Some sort of murderous fire lit inside him and he stuck at knife deep inside the guys stomach, the blood was coming out but he tore his stomach to the side, and watched him bleed out profusely.

 

 

  
Negan patted his shoulder before holding one of Ricks hands tightly, if the setting didn't look they were in Hell then this would almost be romantic.

 

 

  
"Let this be a god damn lesson, rape is NOT allowed here, especially not when it comes to Rick. Now repeat after me, rape is not allowed here."

 

 

  
The crowed again responded in unison. "Rape is not allowed here."

 

 

"Good, glad we're on the same page. You can all leave now." Negan smiled and did his signature lean.

 

 

* * *

 

  
"Here darlin' lay down, please." Negan guided Rick towards the bed, then lightly sat him down and started to take his boots off.

 

 

  
Rick felt so comfortable sitting there being coddled especially after the traumatic ordeal he experienced earlier today, if someone had ever told him this would happen he never in a million years would have imagined Negan comforting him.

 

 

 

"Could you..lay with me?" Rick silently asked.

 

 

 

"Of course, anything you need."

 

 

 

He laid back on the bed then rolled over to his side awaiting Negans arms and body to wrap around him, which they did.

 

 

 

"You did well today, when I gave you the knife I almost thought you wouldn't do it.." Negan nuzzled against Ricks' neck. "But damn you impressed me when you gutted him like a god damn fish. After what they put you through they damn well deserved worse. I know you still see me as the villain and hell you might never see me any differently, but I want you to know that I would never hurt you anymore than I have."

 

 

The vibe in the room became a lot more soft than normal, as if there was this level of vulnerability that neither of them had fully expressed towards one another. Rick turned over to face the older man and smiled to the best of his ability. This wasn't going to change how conflicted he felt.

 

 

"Thank you." Rick mumbled.

 

 

  
"No problem darling. Do you need some sleeping pills? Doctor Carson can give you some Ativan if you like?"

 

 

Rick nodded once, "I'd like that."

 

 

"Alright, I'll go find him and bring some shit back for you." Negan put his boots back on and headed towards the door. "You're still mine, but I want you to know that I'm yours too. "

 

 

Why did Negan feel the need to tell him that? Was it just him feeling bad about what happened or was it something more? Rick wanted to not be affected by the words. But he was. No one back home would believe this is how Negan is with him, soft and caring. From making sure he's taken care of, finding him some pills to help him sleep, and over all being a decent person.

 

 

Rick turned over to stare at the space that Negan always occupied and started hoping he'd come back soon.

 


	5. Inside It All Feels the Same

Three months.

 

  
Rick had been married to Negan for that long already and with the way things were going it felt more like years. Lately he was making at least one or two visits per week to Alexandria. He would catch up with everyone and spend time with Judith then leave again. Rick noticed that it didn't bother anyone when he would leave, like they were becoming accustomed to it. And the last time he was there Michonne had a talk with him. She had decided to end their relationship for now until he takes a stand against Negan. The talk was heart breaking and he barely got a word in for that matter. How could it be over just like that?

 

 

Midway through his brooding thoughts a plate of lunch was placed in front of him and his leather clad husband was attached it. Negan was wearing a full black ensemble today. But his hair wasn't slicked back as if he rushed to meet him here.

 

 

"Hey my gorgeous husband! I can already tell that you're confused as to why I'm here so early in the day, but I decided to cancel all my plans. Today will be our day together, alone." Negan wiggled his eye brows suggestively

 

 

Rick ate his fruit and nodded with a small smile peaking on his face. He didn't want him to know that he was actually excited to spend the whole day with him, but he truthfully was. Normally he would have sat in the lounge, drink, wander around the Sanctuary with protection looming in the background and then drink some more. But this time he could actually have conversation throughout the day.

 

 

Wait, why was he looking forward to spending the day with Negan?

 

 

"Darlin I got a whole bunch of things for us to do today. Can't wait til the late night festivities though I'm literally gonna blow your mind or should i say head? " He cackled like a god damn hyena.

 

 

They gave each other suggestive looks and continued to sit there, Negan was clearly waiting for Rick to finish eating his lunch, he looked extremely antsy which meant he wanted to get going already.

 

 

"Alright, alright.. I'm done now." Rick wiped his mouth.

 

 

"Fat- I mean Joseph!!!" Negan called out loudly.

 

 

He heard scampering from outside the door and Joseph came in scrambling in fear. "Y-y-yes sir?"

 

 

"Could you take these fucking plates away?" Rick glared at him for the rudeness. "Please and thank you."

 

 

Joseph smiled out of fear. "Sure, right away sir. You're so welcome."

 

 

"See Rick, I can be real nice if I want to. Definitely am real nice to you between the sheets, until you beg for me to get rough. Gotta admit, didn't peg you for a fucking biter but shit do you ever enjoy doing that. "

 

 

Rick blushed suddenly and couldn't look up. "Yeah, well.. you get me goin."

 

 

"Mmmm there's that southern drawl, makes my dick harder than a steel pipe. But that will come later, won't it?" Negan bit his bottom lip and laughed deeply.

 

* * *

 

 

Before when they would hold hands it was like a lame ass way of showing he had claim on Rick, but now it just felt good. And he never was good with his stuff, not even when he was with Lucille. Hell he never really held hands with his wives either but Rick it felt so _different._ He was a damaged person, probably on a different fucking level than him but he still held onto justice. Maybe someday all that hate that was left over wouldn't be so apparent, that even when he was soft and gentle there wouldn't be any flinching.

 

 

Negan wasn't oblivious as to why Rick flinched because he sure as shit remember how he treated him when they first met, after he killed two of his people. Everyone was blubbering, damn near screeching, because they lost family that night. Rick looked like his heart was being ripped out of his chest, then there was him slapping him silly, which he did enjoy on a sexual level but now he would cut someone if they did that exact shit to Rick.

 

 

He flexed his wrist properly and moved his neck a little bit to prepare for this next task.

 

 

"Alright Rick, ready when you fucking are. Just know that I beat almost every ones ass at ping pong."

 

 

Rick cocked an eyebrow. "Almost everyone ?"

 

 

"Some asshole kid around here beat me last goddamn minute." Negan pointed his index finger straight at him. "I swear to Christ if you beat me today I will pound your ass into the next dimension."

 

 

"That supposed to be a bad thing?" Rick snickered.

 

 

"Tou- fucking - che , Rick."

 

 

He batted the ping pong paddle and they were off to a pretty good start, no one was missing yet so it was going back and forth. Then Rick didn't swing fast enough. They played for twenty minutes and he was in the lead of course, but Rick pulled through near the end and beat him somehow. Rick slammed his ping pong paddle down and cheered silently.

 

 

"Looks like I beat you asshole." Rick did a little jig around the table.

 

 

"And it looks like I'm gonna pound your tight fucking ass into the next dimension."

 

 

Rick an eyebrow cockily, "Are you now? I'd like to see that."

 

 

Negan walked over to his side of the table and grabbed him which set off a chain of sexual events. They started making out against the edge of the table, he pushed against Rick so the edge was digging into his back and Rick let out a gasp. And then the older man started thrusting against him, which caused them both to get hard as fuck, really fast. Laying this blue eyed beauty on the ping pong table would be the hottest thing ever, and finally his dreams would come true. Their clothes were suddenly off and both men were down to their boxers, gripping to each other's bodies like their lives depended on it. But his mindset changed last fucking minute, and he found himself wanting to make love with Rick. It was such a silly notion because maybe that wasn't what Rick himself wanted, so he kept kissing him only a bit slower. He lifted the younger man up onto the table, and slid his boxers down, then whipped out the lube from his pants pocket.

 

  
"You carry lube around?" Rick asked with a peculiar look on his face.

 

 

  
"Damn right, never know when my hot husband wants to get it on." Negan said lowly while looking at him with his pretty hazel eyes.

 

 

Rick just rolled his eyes then laid back on the table and waited for the wave of pleasure to wash over him and that it did. He looked down to see nothing but dark hair between his legs, he could feel Negans tongue in his hole licking sporadically. His mouth look out broken moans, his fingers scraped against the ping pong table.

 

 

  
"Fuck, you want this dick in your ass baby? Tell me you do."

 

 

Rick watched attentively as the older man stroked himself, lubing up his thick dick super slow for him.

 

 

_I don't want to want this._

 

 

"God, yes." Rick moaned.

 

 

With that Negan lifted Rick's legs up, and slowly slid inside him. His thrusts at first weren't hard or aggressive as usual, he pumped in as slow as possible. Circling his hips into him, then once he noticed Rick wanting it to be rough and merciless he sped up pounding his way into him. Negan slid his dick out then gestured the younger man to get off and bend over the table instead, which there was no objections at all just direct obeying.

 

 

"That's good you sexy mother fucker, stick that ass out." He slapped Rick's ass moderately hard. "Fuck you feel so god damn good, you're all mine and I'm soo lucky."

 

 

"All y-y-yours." Ricks words sounded so garbled at this point.

 

 

Which made him fuck him even harder for that sentiment, he pounded into his pretty ass so aggressively that the whole table shook and actually moved an forward. And Rick wasn't squeamish or attempting to flee, in fact he took it so well and that turned him on even more. How he could get so dirty that most people would run for the god damn hills, but not his husband; not Rick. They carried on for some minutes then Rick came hard and Negan followed not very long after. His hot cum was dripping down Rick's ass, which he had to admit was extremely hot. He wiped it off with his finger.

 

 

"Fuck. I can't get enough of you." Negan leaned in and kissed the younger man lightly.

 

* * *

 

Today both of them just enjoyed each others company, laughed about random shit, had a very deep discussion on Negan's expansive taste in music and Rick's shitty taste and relaxed. By the end of the day they were eating their dinner together, sitting in his room on the couches.

 

 

"Can I ask you something ?"

 

 

Rick finished off his food and replied, "Yes."

 

 

"Normally I don't ask this shit because it sounds like I'm some high school asshole. Do you.. " Fuck I can't ask him that. "ever think about making love to me?" Negan internally cringed at how corny that possibly sounded.

 

 

"Um, I mean.. I didn't think you'd want to." Rick stuttered.

 

 

"Let's say I do, would you like that?"

 

 

"I don't know, Negan. It's too much to ask of me."

 

 

"What the hell does that mean?' Negan asked.

 

 

And just when Negan thought they were having a good time together turns out the problems still lingered. It was obvious this was about who they were supposed to be to each other. This wasn't supposed to be a normal marriage but a mutual agreement with benefits. Negan was beginning to dislike how he was essentially being used. Most likely Rick's people were probably wanting to go to war. What if Rick was only here to distract him from realizing that fully until it was too late?

 

 

"We'll never do that 'cause I don't have feelings for you."

 

 

"Ouch, that's fucking killer." Negan pretended to laugh it off but was feeling hurt. "Fair enough I guess."

 

 

"Yeah, I guess."

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Laughter was trailing in the air and there was a sun setting for some fucking reason that Negan had no clue about. He thought he was in bed with Rick right now?  But how was he even knowing that this was a dream?_

 

 

_He looked around and saw a woman with dark hair turned around, she was staring at the sunset from where she was standing._

 

 

_"Excuse me? I don't really know why the fuck I'm here."  Negan asked confused and frankly a bit agitated._

 

 

_Then he saw her, clear as a whistle, clear as a fucking picture, clear as a glass of water, well I guess the point was made after the first time. It was Lucille staring at him with her silly grin._

 

 

_"Hello Negan. Been a while huh?" Her voice was smooth like velvet._

 

 

_"Jesus Christ, Lucille I've missed you so much.. you know that?"   They kissed for a brief moment and it felt like her lips were touching his but this was a dream wasn't it?"_

 

 

_"I know you've missed me but there's a reason I'm visiting you, so listen up."_

 

 

_Negan waited for her to finish because it's what he always tried to do when she was alive_

 

 

_  
"It's shit I understand you may not want to hear right now, but darlin' you gotta so don't be a little fucking baby. You're feeling things for Rick, now I know you never wanted to fall for someone, not after what happened with me but eventually you gotta let me go. Don't fucking act like you have either, I can see right through your shit. Rick's group, his family still need him, he will always need them so don't keep them from him. You must know he still loves her right?"_

 

 

_He nodded knowing she wasn't wrong about any of this, no matter how much it bothered him._

 

_"Just don't fuck it up okay? Have something good for once, don't be a fucking asshole. If you can help it." Lucille said sternly._

 

_"I'll try my fucking hardest not to, but heh you know me." Negan said while the tears drip dropped down his cheeks._

 

_"Yes darling I do."_

 

_Negan tried to touch her face lightly, "Why are you telling me if he doesn't want me? Or have feelings for me for that matter."_

 

_"You'll understand why eventually but for now, wake the fuck up."_

 

 

 

Negan found himself waking up right then and looked to see Rick curled up against him, breathing into his chest but not snoring. Holy fuck was that real? He thought to himself before wiping his face, then putting an arm around the younger man.

 

 


	6. Kiss  with a Fist

At first this arrangement kicked the hell out of Rick, it wasn't at all what he would have envisioned himself enduring. But he did and he has. Today he had noticed tension around the whole place, Negan barely spoke to him and Rick could sense trouble. Not for himself but for someone else so he wasn't going to pry. His life was so much different now compared to his paused life in Alexandria, he barely did anything most days and sometimes it got boring. And there was really never a day that went by that he didn't miss his family, Michonne's touch or even the community itself.

 

 

But Rick couldn't help but admit to himself that it was an easy life for him at the Sanctuary. The hard decisions didn't land on him now, those responsibilities fell to someone else.

 

 

Rick was relaxing with his breakfast and had picked out a book to read and his fingers were becoming sticky from the strawberries. He heard Negan coming from a mile away but it seemed like he was definitely pissed off. And the moment he entered the room gave it away since he went for the booze immediately. Negan poured himself a glass of bourbon then began pacing the room, not making any eye contact.

 

 

"Sorry baby, I have a bit of a fucking situation happening with some of the boys and it's got my god damn head scrambled" Negan said before he strolled over and planted a kiss against Rick's curls.

 

 

Make sure you don't take it out on Rick.

 

 

Rick only smiled in response, "It's alright."

 

 

"Whatdya say we get the fuck outta here, I'll bring you to Alexandria today! Would you like that beautiful?"

 

 

"Yes. I would, actually."

 

 

Negan touched the younger man lightly and they both left the room together. How did it get to this point where Rick was actually comfortable around him? He went from swearing they'd never sleep together to actually doing that. Which was some of the best sex he'd ever fucking had. Developing feelings for Rick would be pointless because there was no way he'd ever feel the same. It had been five months now and there was still no confession or anything.

 

 

The drive to Alexandria was always antsy especially when he thought he would be able to see his family and be able to hold Judith. Since it was a simple visit back home only Arat was accompanying them for security purposes. She pulled up outside of the gate and out of excitement Rick unbuckled his seat belt quickly. A gloved hand held onto his shoulder, not aggressively but not softly either.

 

 

"Remember what we discussed, you get an hour." Negan whispered closely.

 

 

Despite having remembered what was made clear Rick nodded his head and got out of the van. he jogged over to the gate and found Daryl standing there in which he opened it as quick as possible. They embraced each other in anaconda squeeze because the last time they saw each other was over a week ago. Some tears swelled up Rick's eyes but he wiped those away quickly.

 

 

"We've missed you, brother." Daryl mumbled in his usual fashion.

 

 

"I know. Me too. How you been holdin' up or has Michonne been the one?"

 

 

"Nah." Daryl looked down. "Michonnes still in charge."

 

 

I knew she would.

 

 

They exchanged small smiles and started walking together and literally every person who saw Rick greeted him but their eyes sunk back to the ground when Negan was following not too far behind. Being able to hug his family again felt soothing, like he was putting aloe vera on a wound.

 

 

Eugene was at his apparent post wearing something of Abes which tugged hard inside his chest. These small reminders of who was no longer with them was hard to deal with sometimes, especially when he was around the person who ripped them out of the world. They hugged briefly, exchanged a few words in regards to what Eugene was doing today and it was nice to seeing him step up a bit more since his absence. All that nervousness he was experiencing was becoming a bit dull since he knew everything was fine whether he was around or not.

 

 

He got to his house finally and walked in expecting warm welcomes but no one was home. But it didn't take him long to find Carl and Michonne laughing while playing with a football. The image made his smile immediately, Rick ran over and saw the utter surprise on their faces.

 

 

He was first greeted by Carl who gave him a short hug, "Dad, Why are you here?"

 

 

"Negan decided to bring me today. I know it's been a little over a week since the last time." Rick said.

 

 

  
The three of them talked about how their runs have been going, that Carl has been training with different weapons lately and even got to use Michonnes katana once. Once they got to Maggies he saw Judith playing on the floor with colorful blocks, and Maggie sitting there with her. Of course Maggie got up to hug him and said that she's been fine lately, even has spoken a couple of words. Everyone sat down in the living room enjoying themselves and their short time together. Rick didn't like that he wasn't getting much time today but an hour was more than a couple of minutes, so he wasn't about to argue.

 

 

  
Michonne brought him outside so they could have a conversation alone which he was hoping it wasn't bad, she leaned against the front of the house with a concerned look on her face.

 

 

"Has Negan treated you OK?" Michonne asked bluntly.

 

 

Having a conversation about how he had been treated at the Sanctuary would only make her upset to hear, because he wasn't being thrown in a room or burned with an iron. Rick was spending time with someone they considered the enemy, not only that but he was being intimate with Negan and he knew for certain she wouldn't want to hear that.

 

 

  
"Yeah. He's ... Negan. "

 

 

  
He couldn't but notice how she almost looked sorry for him, like he was being held hostage and was someone that needed saving. Rick wanted to be seen as strong still, not some weak person or a person who needed to be saved.

 

 

  
Michonne stepped towards Rick but did keep a slight distance. "You don't have to do this anymore, we can go back to how it was and then figure out how to fight back."

 

 

  
"No, this is the way it is now. Stop worryin' about me, I don't need saving."

 

 

She stared at him with wide eyes, confused. " What? Rick we need you to come home. You can't possibly think he's changed or that you or anyone else can change him. That a man like that.. "

 

 

Before Michonne could finish her sentence they were interrupted by Negan walking towards the house. He had Lucille firm in his hand but he didn't even look menacing. It was strange sometimes to see him calm and not making death threats. And he definitely wasn't angry until he saw how close Michonne was to him.

 

 

  
"You got ten more minutes then we gotta fucking skedaddle, Blue Eyes." Negan yelled before turning on his heel.

 

 

It wasn't that Negan was blind or some stupid shit like that, it came straight down to being jealous as all hell. If his eye color could change right now, one would go red and the other green like a damn Christmas ornament. He was experiencing a blend of anger and jealousy, it was slicing away at all the calm inside him. He wasn't about to grab Rick and start making out with him in front of her to prove anything, because she knew he still loved her. And Michonne also knew damn well that he always would no matter how long this lasted. Which was a bitter god damn pill to swallow but swallow he would have to.

 

 

  
Rick felt a sliver of dread wash over him knowing he had to go now, but an hour wasn't a short amount of time compared to a couple of minutes. He got to see some of his family and hold his daughter again so that made it all perfect. Michonne and Carl walked with him over to the gate to see him off, he wasn't certain when he would be back so he only said "soon." Some hugs were exchanged and of course Michonne's was a bit more intimate and clearly Negan saw that. It would be a long ride back to the Sanctuary, that's if anyone even spoke at all after that.

 

 

* * *

 

The ride back was silent but tense and that further indicated how he was likely to get chewed out, or even fucked extremely hard without any romance. And not that Rick didn't enjoy having rough sex like that but this time would be full on angry sex, which meant there would be no delicacy at all.

 

 

Negan hated how jealous he had become, he fucking hated himself for it. Made him want to punch walls til his knuckles bled or even smash Lucille into whatever the hell he could. Anger was always a problem for him, he didn't just let anger pool inside him he let it bust a nut all over his situations. The last thing he wanted to do was turn into his mother who was long gone obviously. Today he would speak his mind and possibly fuck it all up but at the moment he had to get release somehow.

 

 

Both of them had made their way to their room without even speaking or making much noise in general, all that was heard was their breathing. It was an eerie type of quiet.

 

 

"What a fucking day huh, how was your time at Alexandria my lovely husband?" Negan said in the most fake tone of voice.

 

 

Rick rolled his eyes with his hands on hips. "It was good actually, was exactly what I needed."

 

 

"I'm god damn sure it was, what with Michonne's hands all over your back like that."

 

 

They both stared at each other with different expressions but Rick couldn't keep his laughter in any longer.

 

 

"You're jealous?" Rick collected himself. "I didn't even do anythin'.."

 

 

Negan stepped so close his chest was against the younger mans, but it wasn't intimate at all. More predatory.

 

 

"Damn fucking right I'm jealous, you know I should of told her about how much you love my dick. Or better yet how much you enjoy getting your ass plowed by me."

 

 

Rick glared at him, his blue eyes shooting daggers. "Enough."

 

 

"Oooh did that bother you? Maybe I should have told her how much fucking spit comes out of your mouth when you got my dick in -"

 

 

It was so sudden that neither of them even realized it, Ricks fist had connected with his mouth before he finished his sentence. Any other person would have gotten punished for that shit but he was getting turned on by this in fact.

 

 

Negan returned the punch because it was only fair which might be childish logic but it didn't even matter.

 

 

The younger man ran into him slamming them both onto the bed aggressively, he straddled Negan with a serious look on his face. He wasn't supposed to be turned on right now because he was pissed, the words had set him flying out the window. But suddenly he couldn't help himself and they started kissing hard, biting at each others lips.

 

 

Sex was about to happen. Angry fucking sex.

 

 

Rick got flipped over fast, his pants and boxers were off him suddenly. There was no removing shoes or even any other item of clothing, this time Negan grabbed the lube quickly and lazily slathered it on his dick. He slammed into Rick with such force it could have sent him flying into the head board. And then he went at it, gripping Rick's hips without any mercy and hearing how much his lover moaned into the sheets. He slapped at Rick's ass hard leaving a mark and kept doing it, it was a form of punishment.

 

 

"You. fucking. belong. to. me. " Negan said in between thrusts.

 

 

He felt himself being flipped onto his back and he felt the thickness back inside him again, their eyes met and there was so much agitation and lust. And then the pounding started up again and a moan escaped his mouth immediately. How the fuck did this man drive him this nuts, make him feel like his whole body was lathered in pleasure. Negan kept pounding into him and staring right into his eyes, his gloved hand holding his neck. The pressure wasn't threatening his air supply and that made him less nervous. This whole evening was a difficult one, from knowing how jealous Negan was of something Rick wasn't able to control. And he didn't even give him a reason to not trust him either. Usually he lasted long enough for them both to cum but that wasn't the case this time, his dick was throbbing and the pre cum was glistening at the tip. Rick felt the older man's rough hand grab his dick, stroking it. It was almost embarrassing how loud he moaned just from the touch, Negan was making sure he got off despite how angry he was. Their eyes met once again but this time it was different, the older man leaned against his ear and his scruff scrapped against his neck.

 

 

  
"You drive me fucking nuts, cum for me." Negan whispered.

 

 

  
Rick was so close but not close enough, he moaned for him to go faster which he did and he could feel it building and building.

 

 

  
"Just cover my goddamn hand baby."

 

 

And just like that there was a warm white mess all over Negan's hand which brought a deep satisfaction. It was no one else who made him cum in that moment, it was all him. He started to feel a bit of regret for being a complete asshole earlier so he rolled onto his side. Negan touched the younger mans face and traced all the lines on it, normally he would find this type of thing corny but not when it pertained to Rick. There was no doubt that he could make anything look beautiful as all fuck. A slow wave of silence covered the room, the air was thick with sex and sweat. After laying there for 10 minutes at least someone needed to say something.

 

 

"Negan, that wasn't just 'bout Michonne..it couldn't have been."

 

 

He knew damn well it wasn't just about her at all, in fact it was barely about any of that. This was about what he didn't want to address, what he was scared to approach because it meant being vulnerable. And what if Rick was playing him to make him weak so then he could strike when it's least expected, but that was a ludicrous fucking thought. In the beginning he had no intentions of falling for Rick at all, he wanted him to just become another one of his spouses, to finally be able to say that he got what he had been wanting. But then it wasn't even about that any longer and it scared the hell out of Negan.

 

 

"You're right. It sure as hell isn't just about her but why the fuck do I need to say it?" Negan asked.

 

 

C'mon you must know why.

 

 

"You know why, Negan."

 

 

Negan looked at him hopeful this meant Rick felt the same, "Is it 'cause you feel shit for me?"

 

 

"No." Rick shook his head. "I don't know what I feel."

 

  
That was to be expected and thinking that Rick could actually have feelings for him was stupid. But for him to admit that he had feelings himself was a big step.

 

 

"Lets just get to sleep." Negan turned over on his side and wasn't intending to cuddle Rick right now. 


	7. If You Went Away

 

 

Morning time finally came, sunlight peaked through the window and Rick didn't feel the regular warmth that he usually does. A metaphorical levee almost broke, Negan almost admitted how he felt for him. If he had there wouldn't be anything to say because he didn't know what he'd respond back. How would even react to hearing the words being said to him? What if Negan starts to fall so hard that he admits that he loves him? And Rick did mean it when he said he didn't know if he felt anything. This wasn't the average situation where you can be honest without consequences. Every time he even approached the idea he would see Carl's disappointed face and everyone's disgust.

 

  
Then his mind would shuffle moments from that night, the tears falling down his face, Abrahams blood on his cheek, how the splatter felt cold. Negan was laughing when he killed them and now he would hear his laughter all the time but for totally different reasons. From where Rick stood he was no longer the same man and he stopped being him once he slept with Negan. And during the beginning he thought of killing him just as much as he did kissing or any sexual interactions. He could have easily done it while Negan slept, by strangling, slicing him open, bashing his brains in with Lucille. It was always morbid deaths that were drawn out and when he fantasied about ending this he was always covered in blood. Now he was wondering if he was feeling things himself. Which was a full on disgrace to the memories of those they'd lost.

 

 

Rick blinked back tears thinking about family dinners where everyone was happy, a dream that was almost forgotten.. None of them were naive enough to think it would be picture perfect but hell they were naive enough to presume no punishment would reign down on them. It was how Rick had been operating for a while, eventually defeating whatever threat came to him and those he loved. Each person you lose chips away pieces of you and this time no one was even remotely the same after.

 

 

Rick breathed in heavily so he could still the thoughts to hurt himself again. Even though the wounds were healed over he could still see the scar on his wrist, his finger brushed over it. The memory was vivid, he remembered feeling so pathetic. How the blood was dripping all over the place, the numbness that was starting to overlap how much of a failure he felt like. And how pointless being alive seemed in that moment.

 

 

He felt kisses on his shoulder which snapped him out of his self destructive thoughts. Negan had clearly just woken up, his long fingers were dancing on his skin.

 

 

"Morning Sleeping Beauty, you sleep good?" Negan questioned while his hands started to slowly make their way down his body.

 

 

Funny how he went from so angry last night to being soft this morning.

 

 

"It wasn't bad, how bout you?"

 

 

"Honestly I think I need to finish what I was trying to say to you last night." Negan started to say. "I have feelings for you.. admitting this shit has never been my fucking forte. But you, you're special. If anyone ever tries to hurt you again at all they won't like what fucking happens to them."

 

 

An intense silence was traveling in the room, not the uncomfortable kind but the kind that came when someone was shocked, speechless. This man was capable of nasty things and a lot of time seemed to enjoy doing them, but yet here Negan was making confessions of feelings. Hell everyone back at Alexandria would get a damn laugh out of this one.

 

 

"Fuck look at how you got me going all Hallmark on you." Negan wiped his eyes. "Look, I know you have wanted more frequent visits so I'm thinkin' that we could hop on over to Alexandria for a week, together."

 

 

Rick's eyes widened knowing how shitty that could go. "So you would wanna stay there too?"

 

 

What seemed like a very calm conversation turned into a tense conversation, as if him asking that was hitting a nerve. And the very last thing he wanted to do was make Negan angry, especially when he could make the whole week hell there. He kept his facial expression as neutral as possible.

 

 

"Well of fucking course I would." Negan scowled. "You're my damn husband, why wouldn't I wanna get to get quality time with your family?"

 

 

It didn't sound like too much to ask in his eyes but to everyone else they would be livid, especially certain individuals who didn't hesitant to express their distaste. Truthfully if he had it his way he would go alone but that wasn't possible so he had to agree to this if he wanted to go.

 

 

Rick eagerly asked with excitement in his eyes, "When do we go?"

 

 

"Sometime today beautiful, depends on how quick your ass can pack. I can assure you we won't be staying at your old house and if we do I will make certain you don't go sneaking off to fuck Michonne." Negan growled.

 

 

"Why would I do that knowing you'd flip shit?"

 

  
"I don't know, Rick. Why does anyone do anything? Oh wait 'cause people make stupid fucking decisions all the time." Negan said in an annoyed voice.

 

 

  
Rick nodded in response to avoid getting into another argument about this topic, the way he felt for her wasn't going away and that was one thing he needed to accept. But he wasn't about to risk anyone's life because of his own need for Michonne that sounded even more selfish in his mind. They both got out of bed and Negan left the room to go take care of some last minute things, assuring him he would be back quickly. It felt weird packing to go back home, like it some vacation. Rick was feeling excited to be back home. But once he started to remember the stipulations and how Negan would be there, which would most likely cause aggravation that made him worry about it going well.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It took such a short amount of time for Rick to pack up some clothes, especially since some of his things were still at Alexandria so they left pretty quickly. Negan had left Simon in charge for the week, so anything that needed to be done would be taken care of by him. Which in hindsight wasn't all that bad at all.

 

 

  
As usual Arat was the one to drive them there but since this visit would be a week she didn't stick around. She dropped them off outside of the gate but waited until they were let in. The first person to greet them was Rosita who looked less than thrilled once Negan stepped in, her eyes watched him like a hawk. And it was only until Rick gave her a look that said not to be alarmed, she calmed down a bit.

 

 

Negan grinned wolfishly, "Since Rick's gonna tell you anyway I think I will break the fucking news, we're both gonna be staying here for a week. He's missed you guys so much lemme tell ya."

 

 

  
The look at Rosita's face was a blend of shock, agitation and nervousness, her mouth didn't even move to speak she only walked away after turning her disappointed face towards Rick.

 

 

  
"Jeeeesus, she looks pretty god damn pissed with me. Not the most warm welcome." Negan laughed.

 

 

 

  
Any person that passed them looked like they could run the hell away but still remained composed. He needed to make it clear that this was simply a visit, not anything else. But no matter what Rick said everyone would still be either scared or pissed off, there was no winning here only losing. The way Negan was walking around smiling without a care in the world didn't help either, he had well addressed that he understood the hate and fear. At some point they started to hold hands, it felt more habitual now to do so but once Michonne appeared he would quietly pull his hand away. He couldn't handle the look on her face seeing that, to cause her anymore pain than he already had would rip open the situation. And thus would have it bleeding all over the floor, trying to stitch up a mess like that wouldn't go over so well.

 

 

Rick felt like his stomach did 20 back flips once they walked up the steps to his house, since he knew he would see Carl or Michonne right away.

 

  
He opened the door stepping inside to see that nothing had changed, it was clean but still the same as always. There was loud laughter coming from the kitchen which sounded like Carl and Michonne, and it was because he saw them standing near the counter.

 

 

Both their facial expressions shifted upon seeing Negan leaning against the wall, he waved but didn't say anything for once. Rick didn't receive any hugs this time but it was only because he wasn't alone in the room. The conversation wasn't intense, basically just updates on Judith, and how everything has been around Alexandria lately. It made him proud to think they were able to maintain balance, to have happy days among the bullshit. But neither Carl or Michonne was able to say anything too personal since they felt too agitated to try to.

 

  
"So.." Negan interrupted. "Everything seems hunky dory around here, shit I'm impressed. Now we gotta arrange where Rick and I will be sleeping. Gonna be a full fucking house."

 

 

  
Michonne rolled her eyes. "You both can take mine and Ric- I mean my bed. I'll just sleep in Judiths room or on the couch."

 

 

  
She tensed when she felt Negan's arm around her shoulders but she kept a fake smile on her face anyways. That was just how she was, grinning and bearing whatever the fuck was put in front of her. While Michonne was the last person to put up with someone's unnecessary bullshit she surely wouldn't cause a scene.

 

 

 

"You're a fucking wonderful host sweetheart, that's so very kind of you." Negan exclaimed, he grabbed both their bags and gestured for them to go upstairs.

 

 

  
Rick followed but mouthed that he was sorry, only to get no response back from either of the two. He couldn't stand how there was so much silence between them, that him being with Negan and continuing to stay had punched a hole in their dynamics. And in the beginning he was doing this for all of them, so they wouldn't have to suffer any longer. Rick almost forgot he was in his own hallway and opening up the door to the bedroom he created memories in, the moments he experienced with just Michonne.

 

 

After so many months of not being in this room he got hit with all the memories, the feelings he experienced in the room, the love, the happiness. And he felt guilty about the fact that he was going to lay in the bed with Negan, but he would make sure they didn't fuck on it. Rick could attempt to not have sex at all with the older man during this stay, though it was unlikely. Mentioning how he would rather not do it in the bed would most likely get Negan mad. But it had to be said anyways.

 

 

Negan set their bags down on the bed, shedding his leather jacket off revealing his tight black t-shirt. He stretched a bit obnoxiously like he had just won a race effortlessly. And walked towards Rick to pull him in for a deeply intense kiss, their lips were moving slowly but it was addictive type ache. But Rick made sure to guide them against the wall rather than the bed, he wanted to pull away, he hated himself for how much he enjoyed this.

 

 

He managed to pull their lips apart which left Negan with a puzzled look on his face, as if he just told an extremely terrible joke. Why was is so hard to imagine him not wanting to have sex or be sexual in the bed? This room was where Michonne slept, where she missed him, where they slept together for the first time and while he didn't know what he felt for the older man, he couldn't disregard her.

 

 

  
"What the fuck is the matter now?" Negan grumbled but paused for a minute. "Wait a minute this ain't because this is where you used to sleep right? All cuddled up next to your hot girlfriend at night, boning her when you got the chance. I can bet money that's why you guided us towards the damn wall, am I right?"

 

 

The older man had them against the wall again but forced Rick's legs apart and started cupping the front of his jeans.

 

 

Rick moaned as quiet as possible. He was feeling the heat in his skin, the overwhelming desire to be taken right here, right now. Even against the wall. And  then their clothes were shed faster than you could say sex, it was so quick that neither of them could see straight. He felt the cold air against his ass, fingers were shoved in pretty damn quickly, working their way inside while he moaned into his arm. At first it was slowly paced to get a rhythm going until Negan sped up, hitting the right spot a few times. Rick could almost come apart there but he didn't want to give any satisfaction to the older man. He just kept letting him finger fuck the hell out of his hole, lubing him up properly. The thing about Negan was that he always did it just right, never was clumsy about it and always got him prepared even though he's been used to his dick inside him for a while. And when they were in this mode of angry sex it was even more explosive, just like the last time.

 

  
"Just put it in you asshole." He mumbled.

 

 

Negan chuckled against his ear, "Be nice or I'll make you beg for it."

 

 

"Then make me." Rick was trying to challenge him, see how far they could take it. He would try not to be loud given he wouldn't want Michonne coming upstairs to see this, that would ruin everything further more or god forbid Carl walking in on them.

 

 

  
"You fucking asked remember that shit, now get on your fucking knees I wanna see you beg for it. Make me believe you want my god damn dick in your ass so bad it hurts." Negan said with lust filled eyes.

 

 

Rick got on his knees and looked up, his dick was dripping with pre cum but he ignored it for now. He knew if he started to stroke that he would have his hands put back to their sides.

 

 

"Please, please I want it so fucking bad." Rick started running his fingers up Negans thigh. "Give it to me hard, pretty please."

 

 

When Negan didn't seem convinced he kept begging, kissing and biting at his thighs this time. He made his voice sound desperate to the point where it sounded like he hadn't gotten sex in several months.

 

 

"That was good baby, but say it with my dick in your mouth."

 

 

_It's just sex, that's all this is._

 

 

He gripped Negan's dick immediately which made him let out a deep growl, the stroke was fast for a moment until he put it in his mouth. This wasn't the first time he ever sucked his dick and he knew exactly what to do. His tongue ran along the tip, sucking it just right, flicking along it. Rick had spit dripping down his cheeks but he didn't give a fuck, it felt so good to make this powerful man go crazy like this. And he repeated the words while he deep throated Negan's dick, spit sliding down the sides of his lips.

 

 

It didn't take very long for the dick to leave his mouth and for him to be practically swept off his feet. He suddenly released what the hell they were about to do, and it was thrilling. Negan lifted him up so that he his legs were wrapped around his lower body, pushing Rick against the wall. He aligned his dick and pushed inside, his thrusts picked up the pace and Rick bounced with the rhythm of the pounding. It was good that neither of them were weak strength wise, because they kept going meeting each other's eyes during certain moments. The intensity was pulsing in both of them and after a bit it became less lust driven which threw them both off.

 

 

Negan pulled out and they both sprawled out on the hardwood floor, which was unfortunately but they were desperate to touch each other.

 

 

"I'm gonna fuck you into this floor so hard you might see stars," Negan lifted Rick's legs so they were on his shoulders, finding his hole again and this time he just slammed it inside. Which Rick let out a very extended gasp and dug his fingers into the older mans arms.

 

 

Rick's body was rubbing too roughly against the hardwood but that pain was nothing because he was letting himself collapse into a pool of pleasure. Negan wasn't being gentle either and it was the way both of them enjoyed it, sweaty, aggressive, the biting, the dirty talk, all of it. But once Rick winced a bit from the agitation the rubbing was causing his skin, he felt the older man slow down.

 

  
"Baby we should move to the bed." He cooed into his ear.

 

  
Rick whispered back, "Bend me over the bed, we'll finish off like that."

 

  
They did that just that and kept up the pace they were at only more comfortably now, he moaned into the cool sheets. It felt so nice to be against this bed again. Rick moaned hard into the sheets as he felt and heard their skin slapping together. He was getting pretty damn close, and once he felt the older man grip to his hips and pound so hard the bed could have moved it was over. The cum squirted out of his dick and it definitely didn't take Negan any longer to get off as he thrusted once, twice then he was done.

 

  
"God fucking damn." Negan proclaimed. "That was fucking good."

 

 

Negan cleaned up Rick's mess and helped him put on his boxers, assuring him that they would take showers in the morning but for now they had to sleep. Even though it wasn't that late in the night, and he crawled into bed with the younger man. Their bodies were pretty damn still. And the bed was comfortable, almost as comfortable as their bed back at the Sanctuary.

 

 

This is the bed he shared with Michonne.

 

 

He couldn't help but wish this didn't harbor anything for Rick, that he was never with Michonne in the first place so he wouldn't have to compete. And he fucking knew how ridiculous it sounded but he would always compete with her, hell Rick could stay in the marriage for a damn year but it wouldn't erase his life here. Negan knew he had to prove how much he meant to him, even if it meant being less abrasive, less himself. They say not to change yourself for another person but in this instance if he didn't try to act better he would eventually lose Rick. And these mother fuckers would not like the guy that he would be without this.

 

* * *

 

 

It was day six of being here and the whole trip had been too much of a roller coaster ride, Daryl damn near got into a fist fight with Negan over some comment he made. Him and Carl were at odds about the whole situation in general, he was starting to doubt where his loyalties were and that was painful to hear his son question who he was now. And all he wanted to do was get some breathing room so he decided to go for a drive somewhere, which he was told not to go and that he should just stay and relax alone somewhere. But he headed off anyways because the past couple of days were making him feel like he was baby sitting Negan, making sure he didn't say anything more ridiculous, making sure no one attempted to kill his ass. So he needed a break, and he didn't plan to drive very far, he brought weapons, and food.

 

 

He was sitting on Rick's front porch in one of the grey chairs with nothing but a book he pulled from inside the house, until he saw someone coming towards him with a expensive bottle of whiskey. And he stared up at him curiously, the man was extremely tall but dressed like a stuffy ass rich kid. Negan was hesitant to let this guy sit with him but the booze compelled him to let the guy stay.

 

 

"We've met briefly but I never really got to introduce myself properly. I'm Spencer Monroe." He his hand out and Negan shook it.

 

 

Negan remembered exactly who the fuck this guy was, he was the one who not only tried to act like he didn't know who he was that one time, but Rick had mentioned him once or twice and wasn't fond of him.

 

 

"You already know my name, here I'll grab some glasses so we can enjoy this lovely fucking bottle you brought over." Negan rushed inside the house and grabbed the nicest ones he could find.

 

  
They both sat down together, talking very casually about random shit, not diving into anything too heavy. And sitting around was becoming a bit boring so they started to walk and talk, Spencer talked about how he got to Alexandria and how it was before Rick and his family ever came along.

 

 

Spencer sipped his drink, " I get what you were trying to do or are trying to do here. What you're trying to build..not saying I agree with your methods but I get it. You're building a network, you're making people contribute for the greater good. It's makes sense, but you should know that Rick Grimes has a history of screwing things up. Rick wasn't the original leader here, my mom was she was doing a really good job of it, she died.. not long after Rick showed up, same with my brother, same with my dad."

 

 

He's trying to make you turn on him.

 

 

"So everything was peachy here, for what? For years.. and then Rick shows up and suddenly you're an orphan. That's the saddest fucking story I've ever heard. But why are you telling me this? "

 

 

He watched carefully as Spencer gulped almost nervous over such a small fucking question, if he was him he would shaking in his god damn loafers right now too.

 

 

"I'm telling you this because whether Rick comes back or doesn't he'll find a way to screw things up. He'll try to do things how he wants to, that's what he did with my mom and that's what he'll do again." Spencer said bitterly.

 

 

Negan was starting to get real fucking pissed off, here he was trying to have a good day when some asshole pops up with a bottle basically talking shit about his husband. And it was likely that he forgot that he was with Rick and that he wasn't a god damn prisoner. But he wanted to see how far this fucking tool would go, if he said two more or even one more thing about Rick that he didn't appreciate hearing he would do something heinous.

 

 

"I am my mother's son, I can be who she was to this place. What Rick will never be."

 

  
Shifting his position and grabbing the bottle from Spencer's hands Negan leaned in, "And what is that?"

 

  
"A good leader." Spencer responded.

 

 

A bunch of people watched their interaction, everyone had seemed to be walking around and noticed their conversation was leaning to a very bad side. And Negan wanted to make it known what would happen to the next person that tried to pull this shit.

 

 

"You know I'm thinking Spencer, that you're a fucking ass wad to think I would what? Kill Rick? Allow you to run this place rather than one of his family members because your god damn life sucks? You must have fucking forgotten that Rick married me, that whoever threatens him will have to deal with the wrath of me. It takes guts to be able to marry your enemy and then there's you. The guy who waited for Rick to be gone so he could sneak over and talk to me, to get me to do his dirty work. Why not just try to take over, why try to convince me to turn on my husband for some bitch I don't even know. You know what I'm thinking.. 'cause I have a guess.. It's because you got no guts."

 

  
After Negan finished talking he shoved his knife deep into Spencer, watching the startled look on the man's face and he sliced so intensely that he ripped his stomach open, guts were pouring out like a goddamn spilled pot of spaghetti. Spencer dropped to his knees making various noises of pain before flopping to his side.

 

 

Negan stared down with a smile on his face, "How embarrassing, there they are.. they were inside you the whole time.. you did have guts, I've never been so wrong in my whole life!"

 

 

Almost the whole damn community was staring at him with either fear in their eyes or anger, as if anyone actually gave a damn about this guy in the first fucking place. He was just another waste of space like a lot of these people, the one person Negan couldn't help but notice was staring at him so angrily was Rosita. Her body stance was telling him a whole lot right now. That she was a complete bad ass and definitely that she would paint this street red with his blood if she could. Out of nowhere she pulled out a gun, there were gasps in the crowd but Rosita paid literally no mind to them.

 

 

  
"Get the fuck out of here before I kill you." She screamed.

 

 

Negan held his hands up in protest and realized he had no immediate weapon to defend himself, he was a bit covered in blood and definitely not in the best mood. Just when he thought his ticket was about to get punched he saw Rick running through the crowd, he looked livid but Negan couldn't tell if that was because of what he did, or that Rosita was trying to kill him.

 

 

  
"Everyone calm down, We'll be leavin' tomorrow." Rick looked at Spencers dead body but didn't show much emotion.

 

 

* * *

 

"You don't even live here anymore Rick, get the fuck over it. Don't forget that you choose to stay with me, you better not be telling people that I fucking make you stay either." Negan pointed his finger. "Lemme guess they have got no clue about you possibly having feelings for Big Bad Negan."

 

 

  
Rick looked down ashamed and didn't want to even respond to that because it would give further satisfaction where it shouldn't be needed.

 

 

"That's fucking right. You're so damn ashamed of yourself yet you can ride my dick all the live long." Negan pointed out.

 

 

"I could never love someone like you." Rick barely stopped himself from saying the words but felt regret afterwards.

 

 

Before he could even tell him that he didn't mean it he watched Negan grab Lucille from the corner, the thought that he was about to get his brains knocked in did cross his mind. But nothing happened, the older man didn't even glance his way. And it was becoming so obvious that there was a lot neither of them wanted to address, they had been living in a bubble of fluttery feelings and sex that they couldn't see what was right in front of their eyes. This would be the type of relationship that would kill them both, Rick never even had to make an attempt on his life, this was already killing him slowly. It went against everything inside each of them to allow themselves to feel anything for each other.

 

 

Negan turned around before leaving the house, "Go fuck yourself, Rick."

 

 

Later that evening Rick just sat in the bed alone, there was literally no sign of Negan near the house in a couple hours. He knows that he didn't flat out leave but he wasn't coming home tonight that was for sure. He heard the door open and looked to find Michonne staring at him, her head was shaking.

 

  
"You let that man come here and... I wasn't close to Spencer but the way he got gutted .. Why are you still with him? Is he hurting you, or making you be with him for some sick reason? I'll help you because I love you, I'll kill him if he's laid a hand..."

 

 

Rick grabbed her hand briefly, the electricity sliced through both of them. "I stay because I choose to. He hasn't beaten me, didn't throw me into a cell, no torture. This was my decision."

 

  
Her hand pulled away and she studied his face, those stunning brown eyes that once showed him affection were confused.

 

 

  
"Do you have feelings for him?" Michonne asked with her eyes shut.

 

 

"No, I don't."

 

 

  
"I know when you're lying, Rick. Please don't lie to me.."

 

 

Rick looked towards the wall not responding back to her. He couldn't say no but he couldn't say yes either.

 

 

She opened her eyes again and there were tears, "Do you have feelings for that monster?"

 

  
Silence.

 

  
Michonne left the room about as fast as she came in and just like that Rick was left alone to stew in what felt like one of the worst nights he's had lately.

 

 

 

Rick looked towards the wall not responding back to her. He couldn't say no but he couldn't say yes either.

 


	8. Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

 

 

Why was Rick even surprised that he would end up sleeping alone after saying that? He really wasn't but it was disappointing still because sleeping next to Negan was normal now. Since it was well into the next day it was officially the last day they had to be there, it was better that way. It saved him from disappointing anyone else, it was a guarantee that Michonne wouldn't even say bye to him. Hell, probably no one outside of Carl, Daryl and Judith would.

 

  
Rick had laid in bed all night and morning waiting for someone who probably didn't want to be with him any longer. And then started to think of why he even cares. If there were no feelings whatsoever wouldn't it be a relief for it to be over?

 

 

He was able to get out of bed, put on a white t-shirt, black jeans, and his brown coat. Since the universe wasn't granting him any leniency Rick did run into Michonne in the hallway, her eyes stared right through him without saying a word. But since he wouldn't see her for a week from now he had written a note for her, all it said was that he was sorry and that he still loved her despite everything. It was short and completely simple but he didn't need to get into major details about it, she ultimately was well aware of all that.

 

  
This was the last day he would be able to cook breakfast for Carl so he took the opportunity to do so, he made him bacon and eggs, remembering exactly how he liked his eggs so then he wouldn't disappoint. And since Carl wasn't angry about the whole Spencer situation, more so disturbed, he didn't object or sit there silently. They had light conversation, mostly revolved around how good of a shot he's gotten because of Sasha and how Michonne has taught him how to fight. It was the type of conversation that made him proud of his son, but also sad he couldn't be there for any of those pivotal moments.

 

 

  
Carl finished up his breakfast and swallowed the rest of his lemonade, the glass he insisted he wanted even if it was the morning. "Where's Negan, not that I'm super unhappy about it but why didn't he come back here last night?"

 

 

  
"We had a fight, I said somethin' I shouldn't have." Rick responded.

 

 

  
"Look Dad, obviously I don't understand what you may see in him. Don't lie to me and tell me you don't have feelings because it's obvious, even Mom can see it.."

 

 

  
Every time he called Michonne "mom" it always made his heart beat slowly, made him feel peaceful that he was able to have that type of relationship with her. Because even though he remembers Lori she wasn't around anymore to be that for him, so he developed that with Michonne.

 

 

  
Rick bit his bottom lip trying to fight the tears, he felt ashamed of himself for staying with Negan. He loathed Negan before, absolutely detested him despite the tension that had been growing between them since the first night. All that tension was a blend of hate, desire and anger, the type of thing that was too hard to swallow.

 

 

"Truthfully I don't know if I do, Carl. The thought of it makes me feel ." Rick sputtered. "Sorry."

 

  
Carl shook his head and grabbed both their plates, "Dad, I'm not mad. But I need to know, do you still love Michonne?"

 

 

  
"Yes Carl, I do."

 

 

They both exchanged glances then Carl put the dishes and other items away while Rick sat there twiddling his fingers. Knowing that Carl didn't hate him for any of this was a relief, since it could have very easily gone the exact opposite way. In time he would be able to patch things up all around but clearly everyone including Carl probably needed a break from him. Though his mind kept wandering back to where did Negan sleep last night?

 

 

* * *

 

 

Negan laid in one of the empty Alexandrian houses, he didn't even give a flying fuck that he broke into it. There was no one there and it was until the morning that he realized it was that asshole Spencer's place. Not that it really mattered to him but he didn't want to be in here for much longer, since anyone could pop in screaming at him. He wanted to forget what Rick had said to him but he couldn't, it repeated like some terribly scratched record. Normally he would brush those types of things off, pretend he didn't care and get on with his day. But the way Rick said it dug right into his heart and ripped it the fuck out, the apparent heart he hasn't got in the first place.

 

 

He wasn't starting to feel like this was some stupid ass Disney movie, where one person can't admit how they feel or don't want to especially after they get hurt. Negan remembered one movie he enjoyed watching from time to time, it was Hercules. And thinking about it brought him back to that song "I Won't Say I'm In Love," he was literally starting to feel like Meg, all that was left was some beautiful black Muses singing in the background. Which the whole movie is fitting for right now because Rick is the hero of this story, he would always be that. Even if they did stay together it might end up miserable in time because of him, fucking things up was always a strong point for him. So maybe rapid denial was the best way to go at this rate, being an asshole wouldn't be as difficult. Maybe Rick really wouldn't be able to feel jack shit for him ever.

 

 

Negan grabbed his leather jacket from the chair he left it on, taking one last look at the place of the man he killed and sauntered out the front door. No one was around to see him which saved a god damn head ache, it was the day that Arat was coming to pick them up but she wouldn't be there until this evening. The damn cold shoulder was what Rick would get today.

 

 

Just when it starting to seem like the coast was clear he saw Rick looking at him, his blue eyes almost looking hopeful. Getting lost in his eyes was so easy, almost second nature.But he didn't let himself get too lost and started to walk towards the stairs only for Rick to stop him from getting up the first step. He rolled his eyes but didn't give his signature wolfish grin, Negan wasn't even in the mood to play any games. And he certainly wasn't in the mood to give a fuck either so he hoped this wouldn't become some desperate apology.

 

 

"Where were you last night?" Rick asked while trying to meet his eyes.

 

  
Negan scoffed obnoxiously, "Why the fucking hell do you care?"

 

  
"You clearly know why, Negan. Don't play some bullshit game with me, after what you did .. you don't even get any passes."

 

  
"Fuck you, fuck your stupid fucking self righteous bullshit and fuck your stupid attempt an apology." Negan pushed his way past the younger man, stomping up the stairs like a child.

 

 

Rick followed suit because he wasn't even remotely done with the conversation, since Michonne had left and made certain that she wasn't going to see him off, and Carl had gone out with Judith it was only them in the house. So if any yelling happened there wouldn't be any need for alarm.

 

  
He caught up to Negan and pulled at his leather jacket, swinging him around so they were facing each other. Both men were displaying different facial expressions, Negan showed anger and Rick showed desperation.

 

 

  
"You don't get to fucking talk to me like that, not anymore. I ain't your fucking bitch." Rick growled.

 

 

  
Negan let out a loud mocking laugh and got in super close to the point where they were almost lip to lip. "I recall a time when that was the case, we could go back to that -" Rick swung his fist and it connected to his mouth.

 

 

It took them both a moment to digest what just happened once Negan stumbled backwards, rage hit his face as he grabbed Rick but instead of punching him he kissed him hard. Their kisses were desperate, anger filled and sloppy but they kept going, moving backwards into Ricks old room. And before either of them realized they were stumbling towards the hardwood. Rick's body slammed too hard on the floor but he regained momentum. Negan's lips were against his once more, he felt his hands searching for the button on the front of his jeans. Suddenly a hand was reaching in and rubbing his already hard dick, he let out a harsh moan, his breathing was getting heavier by the second. Teeth met his neck, but only biting down roughly enough to leave bruises.

 

 

Rick was fighting the need for this to be more than sex, an arrangement, an internal war. But that wasn't going to happen, that couldn't happen.

 

 

Hot air was against his skin and the older man kept licking and biting at his neck all the way to his ears, Rick was pulling at Negan's leather jacket. And then he noticed their clothes weren't coming off, the only thing that was unbuttoned were his jeans which felt off because normally they would probably be close to naked by now.

 

 

Negan leaned super close towards his ear and whispered, "Enjoy not getting fucked today." He got up off him and swiped the small bag of things he brought. Without even a second glance down to Rick who was still on the floor, he exited the room.

 

 

What the hell was that? It was definitely something Negan would do but never had done to him ever, so it hit him pretty roughly. Not even because his dick was still hard,but for the reason that he would even let them get caught up in the moment that much. Picking himself up off the floor Rick gathered up the clothing he brought, made sure the room was exactly as he left it, and shut the door. It was going to be a long rest of the day at this rate and making the best of it wasn't going to happen this time.

 

 

 

The day went by quicker than expected, it was almost too silent around Alexandria today and almost nobody even came out of their houses. Which Rick knew would probably be the case given what happened, it wasn't unfair to say that Negan caused a lot of mayhem by killing Spencer, despite how much of an ass he was, he still had been apart of the community. He wasn't about to bother finding anyone to say bye since they were all still pretty angry, but the one person who came up to him was Daryl. Since there was still a bit of time until Arat was going to show up they decided to talk. It really had been a while since they actually got to be alone together and just talk. But considering the circumstances Rick was nervous about doing so even though he shouldn't be.

 

 

  
"Listen man, I ain't gonna sweat that asshole, he was gunnin for you and i woulda taken him out myself." Daryl puffed away at his cigarette. "What ya doin with Negan?"

 

 

 

  
Rick breathed out and stared at Daryl who didn't look judgmental at all. "I don't even know, right now he seems to hate me and then Michonne's angry.. fuck i don't know what to do."

 

 

  
"She's only mad 'cause she wants you back here.. we all know you still love her but I see the way you look at that prick. He killed Glenn and Abe so it's fucked up, but ain't none of us is normal anyway."

 

 

 

  
The wait for Arat was very short, in fact she came 20 minutes later and waited in the car. She barely ever said a word to him unless instructed to, or unless it was important. Which showed complete loyalty but in the same instance it didn't make for much conversation, he sat in the vehicle waiting for Negan who came but took his sweet time.

 

 

  
Once the car started moving confusion penetrated the air and it was becoming extremely clear that he did hurt Negan pretty damn badly. That comment had just slipped from his mouth, not that he really stopped himself but he regretted it still. He could sense that tonight would be either rough sex or just literally no touching. Rick was already craving the older man's touch which resulted in him attempting to hold his hand, only to have it ripped away.

 

 

Rick looked out the window and watched the scenery move from green trees, to random walkers, to broken down cars. All he could think about was how to make this right. This was a different relationship than he was used to, there was a level of chaos to all this and if it was anyone else he would have run by now. But for some reason he was pulled towards Negan like a gravitational force, as if the universe willed for this to be something. Though this whole relationship hadn't been one formed from anything other than an arrangement. Seeing Spencer's dead body laying in the street wasn't the shock but Negan knew he'd come back to find that. So why risk fucking things up like this? To simply just protect him?

 

 

 

The drive was long, boring, and way too quiet aside from Negan babbling to Arat and ignoring him completely. Once they pulled up outside of the Sanctuary gates some of the Saviors rushed to open it. Everyone was scared of Negan to the point where they would probably pissed themselves if he glared at them.

 

 

As soon as Rick walked through the doors he felt a firm grip on his shirt, which thankfully wasn't leading to some dark room where he would be punished in. It was leading towards their room but nothing about this felt sensual, the vibe was angry.

 

 

And the moment Negan shoved him into the room he felt himself being spun around, their lips sloppy against each others. Every time that Rick tried to be intimate he felt a bite on his lower lip. Blood almost drew but he kept trying desperately sliding his hands to the older mans lower back, it was the one place he loved being touched. They both opened their eyes at the same time and blue eyes met darkened hazel eyes. Rick tried to display that he was sorry with his eyes but he was met with a glare, then their lips collided again. There was literally no extended foreplay like there usually was, he got thrown on the bed, had only his boxers and pants ripped off. And he could hear Negan's belts unbuckle. What was usually anticipation turned into sadness because he knew that the older man didn't want to even look at him.

 

 

"I know I said you wouldn't get fucked today but I changed my mind. Don't get any bright ideas thinking this is more than just sex right now." Negan growled.

 

 

Rick heard the pop of the cap of lube then light stroking sounds met with an immediate thrust into his hole. Rick let out a loud moan but his face was shoved into the sheets, all he could see was black. The pounding was hard and for a little bit he was allowed to fuck back, only to get his face pushed down again. His dick had been leaking with pre cum, he desperately wanted to grab it so he maneuvered his hand down and stroked fast. For once Negan didn't even stop him from doing so, he just kept pounding but without any dirty words exchanged.

 

 

He felt himself cumming pretty quickly and his moans were broken up into the sheets. Negan pounded a bit harder and thrusted once, then twice and then his warm cum was slightly dripping down Rick's ass. There was a haziness that came after which felt so much different than usual. And Negan walked towards his bathroom completely naked, slamming the door behind him. Rick wasn't going to bother going after him because that would look needy, but some part of him wished he could. Though it wouldn't make a damn difference, he would probably get fucked again or just get told to go fuck himself. So he put on his boxers and laid on his side of the bed, shutting his eyes not intending to fall asleep but doing so anyways.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_He woke up on his knees, his hands were pressed against cold gravel and this scenery felt familiar. And he took a look around noticing it was where he was when Negan killed Abraham and Glenn. Panic swept over his body, his anxiety was pounding inside his chest, he was gasping for normal breath but nothing was coming. Any time he had ever had a panic attack it was never this bad, but he kept trying to breathe. Tears trailed down his cheeks just like they did when he watched Abraham's skull get bashed in the first time._

 

  
_A voice was whispering in the background, "There was nothing you could have done."_

  
_Rick scrambled to his feet still struggling to breathe, he was wondering who else was there with him. His eyes traveled all around the area, there was nobody else there but him._

  
_He called out loudly asking if anyone was there, that they should come out to speak to him directly. To his surprise some woman popped up beside him which startled him immediately. Whoever this woman was she was gorgeous, with long dark hair, piercing eyes, and a kind smile. But she didn't even look familiar, no one he knew from his previous life or even someone he had met during the end of the world. She looked at him like she was aware of something he wasn't._

  
_"Who are you?" Rick asked._

  
_The woman stared at him intensely, "I'm Lucille."_

_Wait, wasn't Lucille the woman that Negan had been married to before? Wasn't she who he named his bat after? This can't possibly be real, how would he be dreaming about this woman?_

  
_"I know you're thinking this is a dream but it's essentially not. I'm very real but this is the only way I can reach either of you." She said calmly._

  
_Rick stared at her speechless and waited for her to continue talking because he had no words to say right this moment._

  
_"Okay, I'll get to the point. He's fucking hurt, really hurt right now. What you said to him bothered him more than he'd like to admit. Now I know how he is, he can be abrasive and what my death, along with his world has turned him into hes become more of an asshole. What he did to the people you loved wasn't right but I thought bringing you here would provide perspective."_

  
_He still couldn't speak almost as if he lost his voice or just because his breathing was constricted._

  
_"The first time you both met was ugly, he tore away all that hope you had and took family from you. But you being here, quite frankly Rick without even doing much you've helped him. Not that it's your goddamn job but this next while won't easy in fact he'll be down right awful. That's all I can say for now, you should probably get back, the disorientation's gonna be a bitch." Lucille pushed him backwards._

 

 

 

  
Rick woke up in a deep sweat but Negan wasn't beside him at all in fact it looked like it was already morning. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and immediately needed a shower. Whatever he had woken up from whether it was a dream, or whatever the hell was so strange. He did feel disoriented and everything Lucille had told him felt so real, believing that it happened wasn't that difficult given that he lived in a world where the dead walked. It was just why did she feel the need to tell him any of that? Was she pulling the strings of their relationship somehow? The water was warm on his pale skin, he felt the bruises Negan left before and his whole body was sore from all the aggressiveness.

 

  
He turned off the shower after cleaning himself up, he grabbed his jeans and his blue button up. Today he probably wouldn't see Negan until later on, so he thought he would kill time by walking around alone. Normally someone would tail him to make sure nothing happened but it wasn't necessary today.

 

Rick traveled around the marketplace, where everyone had their goods out, seeming as he was Negan's husband he didn't have to wait. Though he decided to this time because ruffling feathers was unpleasant here, finally after the ten people who were ahead got what they needed he stood at the table.

 

 

"Hello Bert, I'd like two bags of chips please." Rick asked politely.

 

  
The old man responded with a wide smile and grabbed him two bags of his potato chips, handing them to him.

 

  
"There you go, hope you have a nice day." Bert waved at him.

 

  
"You too, Bert."

 

 

The moment Rick turned to walk away he noticed Negan in the distance talking to some woman, he was awfully close to her and she definitely wasn't one of his former wives. She looked like someone entirely new, which regardless of who it was he wasn't up for approaching them.

 

Last thing he wanted to look like was a jealous husband even though he most certainly was. All that talk about cheating but yet he looked like he was flirting his way into her pants. Rick kept his eyes on them, the blonde woman was laughing, pushing her hair off to the side. And then he saw them walking away together, the jealousy was curdling inside his stomach. He really hoped this wasn't some sexual transaction because not only would be that hypocritical, but it would be a major setback in everything.

 

  
He stormed off to their room hopeful he wasn't about to run into Negan and that woman, pushing open the door he saw nobody on the bed, nor in the bathroom. Rick was getting a bit hungry but Joseph had assured him that he would bring food later, that he would leave it by the door as requested.There was an absolute certainty that his asshole of a husband was planning to or would fuck that random blonde, or at least be sexual in some aspect with her. And this was his way of getting back at him which was cruel but he wasn't unaware of it.

 

  
Was this all because he couldn't figure out how he felt or for what he said.

 

 

Reaching into one of his bags of chips he started eating to calm himself down which normally he never did that, but circumstances brought this along. All he could imagine was Negan fucking her hard in whatever room they landed in, him yanking on her blonde hair and making her shake with pleasure. Closing his eyes didn't help him to not think of it because it ran through his mind anyways. Last thing he wanted was to be sober right now so he walked over to the fully stocked liquor, pouring himself a bourbon and drinking it fast. And he kept going, he had about five drinks in him after a handful of minutes.

 

  
_It's who he is and who might always be, just fucking face it._

 

 

He grabbed the bottle and poured himself another drink until he was stumbling towards the bed afterwards, there was a TV in the room that he had never used before. Rick popped into a random movie and barely paid attention to it but definitely fixed himself another drink. Was it even possible for him to love Negan? And was it really possible for him especially to love more than one person? Not that he should even drag Michonne into this mess but it was painful to think she was starting to detest him for choosing to do this. If he hadn't done it they would still be giving away most of the things they scavenged, having Saviors ransack through their houses, taking their beds and just causing general havoc.

 

 

Someone was rattling the door knob, his blue eyes turned into saucers once his heard the scrap of boots on the floor. It was obviously Negan. Since they weren't on talking turns he didn't bother to say anything, why bother. Hands wrapped around his waist and placed a kiss on his neck, but Rick couldn't bring himself to respond back. Even though shivers were erupting under his skin, making him want to melt.

 

  
"So now you wanna touch me.. why don't you go touch that blonde you were flirting with." Rick snapped, moving quickly away from the small table.

 

 

  
Negan started howling with laughter, "Jealousy is a bitch huh? Well for your fucking information I didn't fuck that blonde."

 

 

  
He let the older man walk towards him, they were staring into each others eyes. "..almost did though. Her mouth didn't do the things that your pretty one does." Negan's fingers were gripping his chin.

 

 

  
"Fuck you." Rick said with tears in his eyes, he couldn't tell if he was just drunk or if he was actually that hurt right now. At this rate it was clearly a blend of both.

 

 

"Oh my fucking god, Rick. You're really about to cry over a goddamn failed blow job? News flash I can do whatever the fuck I want. No more sensitive bullshit, can't make you more of a little bitch than you already are." Negan smirked.

 

 

_He can't possibly mean anything he's saying, this couldn't even be close to how he actually feels._

 

 

  
Negan continued talking, "Look I mean I get I laid it on pretty damn thick, but hey to get someone as pretty as you in my bed I gotta."

 

 

  
"You don't mean that... " Rick said.

 

 

"Why wouldn't I mean it? Truths gotta slip eventually, what you thought we would ride off into the god damn sunset on some Princess Bride shit?" Negan was mocking him now and making him out to be a fool.

 

 

  
Rick didn't want to give Negan the satisfaction so he decided not to say a word to contribute to the conversation. He got into bed but still that didn't stop him from hurdling hurtful words.

 

 

"Get it through that pretty head of yours, I don't actually feel a damn thing for you. Now if you'll excuse me I got other things to tend, maybe I'll come back to cuddle. Who knows. Toodle loo." Negan left the room with Lucille in hand and a slam of the bedroom door.

 

 

Hearing all those words shouldn't be hurting him so much if he felt nothing for Negan. If there was no feelings then he could brush this off. But Rick couldn't do that at all. His heart felt like it had been cut to shreds.

 

 

This was a relationship that everyone he loved and cared about hated. Now he was just hanging mid air between the end and a stand still, maybe it was time to walk away. How he felt would destroy him from the inside out and recovering from that would be near impossible. Feelings were ugly that way, someone can so easily chop you down until you're minuscule. Then they would keep taking until you were left with nothing.

 

 

  
With Michonne it wasn't like walking in the dark trying to find the light, she didn't cause him to stumble all over the place and she certainly wouldn't drive him near insanity. Not that he had a clear grasp on sanity now but with Negan he was straddling that fine line all too much. But he found himself drawn to that, drawn to those sinister hazel eyes, drawn to that wolfish grin, drawn to everything Negan does, his voice echoing in the back of his mind. Rick wanted nothing more than to forget this whole day, let it leap right out the fucking window for all he cared. He leaned his head back onto the pillow, his curls were stuck to his forehead and he starting thinking about something he knew thought he would.

 

 

That he might actually have feelings for Negan.

 


	9. I Lied

 

 

_"Lucille please don't fucking make me watch this." Negan pleaded trying to look away._

 

  
_She lightly grabbed his chin then turned his face towards the memory of her in the hospital bed, the cancer was making her so much weaker at that point. The doctor told them at first that she would only live for a few months. She lasted longer than anticipated because she was a fucking fighter. But still she didn't know when exactly she would slip away, so making sure that Negan understood that he couldn't let her death prevent him from loving again was urgent._

 

  
_The memory was causing him to want to jolt awake but something was keeping him there, it almost seemed like he was losing his mind. Having his dead wife appear in his dreams like some guardian angel, but how else could he explain it? It was definitely some supernatural occurrence that he welcomed if he meant he could see her again._

 

 _Somehow Lucille was the one person in his previous life that snapped some god damn sense into him._ _She was making him watch the memory attentively, his hazel eyes w_ _ere glued to his former self. Whom of which looked broken as all fuck hearing his wife tell him to eventually move on, at that time he internally wouldn't hear it. It was practically her dying wish that he find someone new once the time was right, but he of course didn't make good on his promise what with the end of the fucking world. But even after that, so many people were finding someone in the midst of tragedy, it was possible and he just ended up getting a bunch of wives._

 

  
_Lucille snapped her fingers and quite literally the memory slipped away, now they were standing in that same place he saw her in the first time she appeared in his dreams._

 

_"You couldn't have prevented me dying, Negan. And I know how much you wish you took my fucking place instead, stop that shit."_

 

  
_Negan sucked back the tears that tried falling, "What the fuck do I do now?"_

 

  
_"Sometimes you're such a dumb ass, first off fix your situation with Rick. If you push him any further he'll leave and you know that's the truth."_

 

  
_He shrugged, "So what if he fucking does?"_

 

  
_Before Negan knew it he felt a slap on his cheek that felt real, from the stinging to the connect of the hand to his face. He was stunned for a moment but this wasn't the first time she slapped him, for non sexual purpose or otherwise. Even after death she was feisty as fuck._

 

  
_"STOP with that bullshit of not caring about him. Don't you dare go back to using those women to fill that void that my death left when someone like Rick is right there. He's honorable but yet you're still bent on breaking him? C'mon Negan it's fucking time to be better. It's also time to wake the fuck up, jack ass."_

 

 

Negan's eyes opened and he felt himself sitting up immediately, his surroundings were strange for a second before he realized that he never went back to the room. He ended up crashing in a random room. But he made sure Simon was aware of where he was so he couldn't sleep the day away. And just as instructed he heard a pounding on the door which he knew right away was Simon.

 

  
"Up and at em! We got a big day ahead of us boss, there was a bit of an incident last time at the Kingdom. Gavin told me that he wants you to speak to Jared. That asshole's been a problem in general lately. Find me outside when you're ready." Simon said before walking off.

 

  
He grabbed his shirt off the floor, since he kept his pants on it was one less thing to do. Today he was feeling like he had no energy for the tasks at hand, in fact Negan wanted to sleep the rest of his day away. But when you run a whole fucking community you almost never get rest.

 

 

At least not during the day but thankfully Simon was always on the ball, which was apart of the reason he was his right hand man. Lucille was propped up against the wall so he grabbed her after fixing the sheets, he had no clue if he'd be sleeping in his room tonight or there.

 

  
Once Negan left the room he made his way down the hallway, passing by several different people whom smiled with fear. It wasn't like how they did at Alexandria, more so dulled down fear. Today he had to oversee some new projects that were being started, make some adjustments to the points system and speak to that Jared motherfucker. The guy was about as useful as a sack of rotted walker dicks but he had kept him around anyways.

 

 

Maybe he had been growing soft over time but now he was sick and fucking tired of dealing with fuck nuts like this guy. So instead of wallowing in thoughts of Rick he was prepared to make changes, since he was able to so. As quickly as possible he looked over the projects some of people were working on, all was fine in that department as far as he was concerned. The adjustment to the points system were simple, there would be a day where everyone would get a few free items without using points, mainly those in desperate need of certain items. And after he briefed those who handled certain goods which day this would be the case he finally took a much needed breather.

 

 

After his short lived breather Negan went off to find Simon, who had been outside like he said he would be. Which Jared was conveniently outside as well. He looked over at his right hand to make certain this was the guy and he got a nod. So he strolled right over having those standing around that asshole to go silent, Jared turned around and went as stiff as a damn board. Normally he rarely ever conversed with certain Saviors because they usually weren't worth his time. But this guy was causing problems so him handling it personally would send a message.

 

  
"I heardie from a little fucking birdie that you have caused problems with those medieval wannabes, is that correct?" Negan said in a very intimidating tone.

 

  
Jared gulped loudly, "Sir with all do respect..."

 

  
"Listen fuck nut, I don't wanna have to come find you again to discuss a damn thing. When your superior which happens to be Gavin when you go on those runs tells you to shut your trap, YOU DO IT." Negans voice was getting fairly loud and that was the point, these assholes needed to be scared of him.

 

  
"Y-y-yes I will from now on."

 

  
Negan patted the man's shoulders aggressively and nodded, "You know what will happen if you keep causing me problems." He swung Lucille back and forth.

 

  
"I won't say a word when we go get the Kingdom's payment." Jared sputtered, his face wasn't even looking anywhere Negans direction.

 

 

And then that was resolved, thankfully he didn't have waste any of his precious time or energy bashing anyone's brains in today because he wasn't in the damn mood for it. Negan walked away and everyone knelt as he made his way back into the Sanctuary.

 

Now that most of his duties for today were fulfilled he was now having to address the chaos, he was wrong to come at Rick the way he did. Normally he wouldn't feel all that bad chewing someone the fuck out but this time it was so much different.

 

It was either he fixed it soon or it would eventually cave in like water on a sand castle. So he headed all the way to his and Rick's room to see whether or not he was in. He wasn't, which posed the question on where the hell he was. It wasn't like he had very many places to or hide for this matter so he would have to check every nook and cranny. Which seemed a bit excessive but Negan didn't really give a fuck because he needed to talk to Rick.

 

 

All he could think about was making this better, was telling him that he didn't mean anything he said, that he just didn't want to get hurt again so being an asshole was his way of preventing that.

 

 

* * *

 

Rick had made certain he wasn't in his room at all today because he had no interest in a repetition of last night. There was a slim possibility that Negan would come in and apologize. But it wasn't likely since he rarely if ever genuinely apologized for his actions, especially when he rationalized whatever it was. He was starting to wonder if this whole thing was a mistake.

 

Even though Lucille had appeared in his dream he didn't know if sticking it out would amount to anything. From the jump he knew how fucked up this all was and now he had already established his feelings, the ones that wouldn't go away. He sat himself down in an area he didn't think anyone would look for him, in one of the empty rooms.

 

 

Eventually someone would walk into the room, tell him that Negan was looking for him. But for now he didn't have to worry about it, he locked the door and sat down alone. Rick was able to bring some food with him so he wouldn't be starving all day, plus there was a mini bathroom in there to use.

 

 

He started thinking about what everyone at Alexandria was doing currently, if Carl was still learning how to use different weapons, if Daryl was spending any time with Jesus, if Michonne was thinking of him or ignoring his existence in her mind. And he just keep letting his mind run over every single person he loved.

 

 

After Rick had spent at least a few hours in there it was time to find somewhere else to lounge around. It was nice to get some alone time but stretching his legs was more ideal. He nervously peaked his head out of the room to see if anyone was coming by, no one was so he left and started walking down the hallway. A few random Saviors that he had never formally met before passed him, not even giving him a passing glance. Rick kept walking and headed down one of the stair wells where he found Sherry smoking. Her face was blank and she just puffed away at her cigarette. Before he could turn around and leave she noticed him.

 

  
"Hey, Rick." She said inbetween puffs. "What are ya doing over here?"

 

  
Rick sighed then slumped onto one of the steps, "Just needed to get away, from Negan."

 

  
"I knew what that was like once.. I'm actually glad he got rid of us."

 

  
"How are the others?" Rick asked genuinely wanting to know.

 

  
She shrugged and got down to the end of her cigarette, put it out then began smoking another.

 

  
"Those who didn't want the life anymore are back with their original lovers, as for the women who got too comfortable ...well they hate you pretty much."

 

  
Rick chuckled but had a confused look on his face. "Why?"

 

  
"Because Negan chose you." She smirked.

 

 

His brief conversation with Sherry was nice, they didn't have any problems before so he was happy to speak to someone that understood to a degree the difficulties of this. But she did point out something interesting, how Negan chose him. Rick had never pushed for him to get rid of his wives, then once it happened it shocked him even. For someone to just drop something they were dead set on, had found enjoyment in, all for you was definitely something.

 

  
_But it didn't erase anything._

 

  
"Yeah, I guess he did."

 

 

Rick knew he had been thinking about Negan even before he decided to get married to him, that the attraction had built up to the point where it spilled over. .Now here was engulfed in flames, left to burn. He loved being wrapped up in the arms of danger, that had been clear for a long time. And Negan was the exact definition of danger, falling for him any deeper was going to kill him if anything but he wasn't even fully pulling himself away. Right now all he wanted to do was seek out the dark haired man and kiss him, no talking just lips pressing against the others. But if he truly did mean what he said to him then he was going to end this, he would have to go back to how it was before.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Where in the fuck was Rick? Had he disappeared off the face of the earth or some stupid shit like that because he was nowhere to be found. Every single place Negan had checked he wasn't there and that just made him nervous since he could have somehow found a way to leave. He could be out there walking back to Alexandria or at least thinking about leaving, either way this was no good.

 

  
The only person he had ever in his life stressed out about this was much was Lucille before and during her being sick. He was always paranoid about her getting hurt, whether it was turning into the wrong lane, walking across the street at the wrong time, a random robbery, even something so stupid as getting electrocuted.

 

 

Every time he got all nervous like that she just shrugged it off, that was the type of woman she was. Rarely was she ever scared of death until she was actually dying. Now he was married to someone similar but ten times for fearless than her, someone who looked in the face of fear and spat in it. As much as he tried to completely break Rick there was still that desire to defy, the way he would glare at him, grip Lucille a bit tighter when Negan got him to hold her, how he even tried to drive that axe into his skull in the RV.

 

  
In this world you had to toughen up if you were weak before or at least be surrounded by people who were tougher than you. But he knew that without a shadow of a mother fucking doubt Rick Grimes was never a weak man. From the personal conversations they've had he's been through the ringer but has somehow gained family in all the tragedy. Negan wanted to believe there was still a chance to repair the bit of damaged he caused, even if the chance was so minuscule.

 

 

He walked through a hallway he hadn't been down very much and saw Sherry walking ahead of him, so he caught up to her. It was super obvious she wasn't thrilled to see him but he didn't particularly care. Negan wanted to know if she had seen Rick at all today because he sure as hell wasn't finding him on his own. The Sanctuary was fairly large and with all the people who lived there it wasn't as seem as it sounded.

 

  
"Been a goddamn while since I cut you ladies loose, you back with Dwight?" Negan asked with a smirk.

 

  
Sherry practically rolled her eyes at time, "Do you want something? Because I know you only ever make small talk when you do."

 

  
"Shit you're so straight to the point, always have been. I need to ask you if you've seen my lovely husband today."

 

  
When she paused and looked in another direction Negan knew she had seen him at least briefly today, it was written all over her fucking face. But he wasn't going to scare her (not that she scared easy) to get the information out, in fact he would ask politely.

 

  
Negan stared at her with his arms outstretched like he was waiting for an answer to his question, which he was.

 

  
"Fine, I did see him. But he clearly needed some space from you.. wouldn't say why." Sherry shrugged.

 

  
"Where did he head off to?" Negan questioned softly, he wanted her to tell him after all.

 

  
Sherry hesitated for a second but eventually gave in. "Rick headed off that way once our conversation ended." She pointed forward.

 

  
"Thanks for telling me, doll. Say hey to Dwighty boy for me will ya? He's been avoiding the hell outta me, probably doesn't believe you're no longer one of my wives. Tell him he can fuck you all the live long now."

 

 

  
Sherry shook her head then walked away from him, he always did like her because she wasn't afraid to speak her mind to his face. Now it was time to see if he would run into Rick, first he started walking off in the direction that Sherry said he went. And he was feeling almost certain they would run into each other now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After he grew tired of pacing around the same area for a while Rick walked back to the bedroom, he was feeling extremely tired having to run around the Sanctuary. This wasn't a way to go about his days, he wanted to relax, enjoy himself but too much was haunting him. He didn't notice any food was left on a cart for him like Joseph normally did, unless he was instructed otherwise. Some weird curiosity as to why hit him until he opened the door, he found a plate of food on the coffee table.

 

  
That's strange Joseph almost never leaves it there.

 

  
Rick was startled to find Negan sitting on the bed, he had his boots off and was wearing his glasses. He only ever wore them when he was reading, their eyes met with a lot of uncertainty. Right then and there his feet wanted to book it out the door but there was no avoiding the man now, hiding seemed so childish. He wasn't in fucking danger but he felt like he was in danger emotionally at the most. Someone had to break the ice no matter how uncomfortable it might be.

 

 

"I looked for you everywhere today.. gotta say you took me on a god damn round about trip." Negan stared at him intensely, he didn't look mad exactly but he wasn't thrilled either.

 

  
"Yeah well I didn't wanna be around you today."

 

  
Negan closed his eyes for a moment trying to compose himself before he got pissed off. "Listen, you gotta stop being such a baby about every fucking thing."

 

  
"Here we go, is this where you insult me further or where you make an excuse?" Rick asked.

 

  
They have had some weird arguments, fights and flat out disagreements about several things. And usually Negan would make an excuse for his actions, find some justification then stick by it. But the only reason that he said what he did was to protect himself.

 

  
"No, Rick. Listen I don't want to fucking have a fight about this shit. I didn't mean what I said.. I'm just -"

 

  
"You're just what? An asshole? " Rick snapped before throwing a glare his way.

 

  
Negan had that coming and it wasn't news that he was an asshole majority of the time, but he was going to take whatever the hell Rick planned to say right now.

 

  
"I meant to say that I didn't mean a god damn thing I said to you. I'm fucking scared Rick because of what you said.. and you got every right to leave."

 

  
"What I said back at Alexandria.. I regret it. " Rick muttered lowly.

 

 

* * *

 

_A loud scream came from the tower and Rick felt his heart collapse so fast inside his chest he almost didn't know whether or not he could breathe._

 

  
_"Ohhh, wow " Negan knelt in front of him. "You just lost somebody important to you right now_ _like just now. Jesus, that. is. timing. Rick, you chose this.. I truly don't know what more I could have done to warn you. This isn't a warning, this is punishment. I'm gonna kill Carl now, I'm gonna make it one. nice. hard. swing. Try to do it in one because I like him."_

 

 

_Tears were streaming down Rick's face as he listened to Negan tell him how Carl was going to die._

 

 

_"I just want you to put that in your brain and roll it around for a minute, I'm gonna kill Carl and then Lucille here she's gonna take your hands."_

 

  
_"You can do it right in front of me. You can take my hands. I told you already I'm gonna kill you, all of you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.." Rick leaned in with an enraged look on his face. "..but NOTHING is gonna change that, nothing. You're all already dead."_

 

  
_Negan stared at him for a good few seconds then he started smiling, if anyone asked him he was annoyed,scared and turned the fuck on right now._

 

  
_"Damn. Wow Rick. Okay."_

 

  
_He got up and walked around Rick and grabbed the hat off Carl's head, "You said I could do it." And slammed Lucille down on his sons head, his slim body flopped forwards and what used to be Carl was now a corpse, that would he would have to make sure didn't come back. Everything was hazy and it was like he was beginning to lose consciousness. This wasn't possible, this couldn't be real, this couldn't be how it goes. Before he could start crying Negan knelt before him and got intimately close like usual but this time it was tender. Rick's eyes filled with rage and then their lips were smashed together, he almost didn't want to pull away._

 

  
_"Imagine if that really fucking happened, you would hate me extra hard. The mind can be an AWFUL place sometimes can't it?"_

 

 

Rick woke up screaming loudly and remembered that he was alone in the room, no one was going to calm him down but himself.

 


	10. Kiss It Better Baby

His body wouldn't stop shaking because the nightmare felt so real, like it happened already or was going to happen. But Rick didn't want to believe this was ever a possibility, that Negan would kill his son right in front of him. Some could argue that he did kill Abe and Glenn but that was then and this now.

 

  
Rick felt his breathing constrict and he could tell it was a mild panic attack so he attempted to take deep breaths. But it was so hard to grasp at anything.

 

 

"Breathe, just breathe." He repeated to himself and begun to take deep breaths, breathing in for five, breathing out for five.

 

  
He had the impulse to run and tell Negan about the nightmare but it would likely result in a fight. Last thing he wanted to do was paint the man as a complete monster, since it seemed to be a very sensitive topic to touch. And he was already on the fence about where they stood with each other now.

 

 

Rick met up with Negan outside to go on the run but they weren't saying much to each other. After last nights brief conversation there was a tension left over. They were greeted by Simon who briefed them on where they were supposed to go. It wasn't super far out but Negan looked uncertain because he had never been to that area before. But kept asking him if he really wanted to do this, that he could send some other people to do this. Which the only response Negan had for him was that he wanted to.

 

 

Simon nodded and said their car was stocked with food, weapons and medical supplies just in case.

 

 

Then as soon as they were settled in the car making sure they had everything they left in one of the supply trucks. Rick preferred doing runs in big vehicles like this rather than small cars. It had more room to relax, kick back, without feeling cramped for hours. One of the buildings they hit first was a complete bust. There was nothing of value, just a few needed items but nothing worth the time it took to find anything. And the next place they hit was a complete waste of time as well, all they ended up doing was killing the handful of walkers that had gotten in there and grabbed some bullets. 

 

 

"Fucking fuck.. this days been a bust huh?" Negan was genuinely annoyed at this point.

 

 

  
"Maybe we'll have better luck at this next building."

 

 

  
Negan raised an eyebrow almost finding it amusing he would think so but didn't respond back. All he wanted was to have a decent day with his husband, maybe remind him that they're good together. But that seemed like way too fucking much to ask from the universe. I mean after the major fight they had he just wanted to make things better. And letting Rick go on a run since he hasn't for quite a while was something he knew he wanted. Being selfless wasn't ever a strong suit back when the world was functioning so it wasn't like he hadn't been trying. Plus having your dead wife tell you to smarten the fuck up helped speed that along.

 

  
They got the next building that seemed a little less hopeless. It wasn't over run with walkers, or even gross and run down like the other two were. Negan's boot crushed some already broken glass, the crunch sound penetrated the air. Being quiet wasn't a complete necessity because there was no herd near by or people it seemed. Rick was able to find some of the items on his apparent list and kept walking to see if he could pick apart the area more.

 

 

  
"So tell me about your craziest supply run." Negan mentioned casually. 

 

  
Rick started to laugh thinking about all the ones that didn't result in death (some of those he wasn't there for) but he eventually narrowed it down. "It was quite a while ago.. Daryl and I we decided to go on a run together because we were runnin' dangerously low on food and everythin' else. Michonne had wanted tooth paste as well. So we headed out together and ended up finding a supply truck. But then we had met Jesus along the way, he caused so much damn trouble that we lost all our supplies in the lake. Literally the whole vehicle ended up in the lake when he and Daryl were scuffling."

 

 

It was obvious that Negan knew there was way more to the story than that. Which was there was but Rick didn't want to get into too much because it would be bringing up things he hated speaking about.

 

  
"...When he was knocked out when ended up bringing Jesus back with us to Alexandria. Carried his ass inside even, Daryl wanted to leave him out at one point. And when we were in the car I couldn't help but tease him by swerving randomly so that Jesus would end up on Daryl's shoulders." Rick smiled at the memory.

 

 

Negan stared at him for a long minute, "Is there more to that story?"

 

 

"No.. well yes but nothin' you wanna hear."

 

 

"What the fuck would that be? Hmm Rick?" Negan snapped but didn't even look in his direction.

 

 

"Listen you gotta let it go.. we can't keep fightin over this stupid shit. I've explained myself when it comes to this and I won't do it again!"

 

 

Both men stopped in their tracks looking at each other from a short distance, it wasn't romantic or happy either. And this was the out pour of whatever wasn't spoken about. It's like someone cracked open the shell and watched the truth pour out like coconut juice. Were either of them ever going to find some common ground or would running around in circles be the center of their relationship.

 

There always came a point where you realize if it was worth it and Negan was wondering if he was the sole reason it was slowly crumbling beneath him. Did Rick actually want to be with him or did he just want to keep his family safe? That was always something lingering in the back of his mind so he planned to address that whether Rick fucking liked it or not.

 

 

  
Negan slicked his hair back and almost snarled like a rapid dog. "Do you even wanna fucking be with me? Or do you just convince yourself of that to keep your precious goddamn family back home safe? Because you know what Ricky, I could easily wipe them out, not Carl or Judith but the rest of them.. heh let's say there wouldn't be anything left. But I don't, maybe I've shown you too much mercy. I'm pretty much the god damn Grinch in their eyes."

 

 

Before the fight could continue there were sounds coming from various areas in the building. It didn't sound like walkers either but better safe than sorry. Rick signaled for Negan to check out the other side and so they briefly split up. He was walking around the corner and started day dreaming about a life with Rick outside of this hell called the world now. Where they would live in the world as it was before in some nice house, Carl would of course be annoyed about it, but Judith would be excited. They would go on a shit ton of vacations, swim in the ocean, make dinner together, sleep in the same comfortable bed every night. And it would be the perfect life for both of them.

 

  
Negan shook his head and found himself practically running into a wall. He noticed he was going down a stair well which was his cue to go back upstairs.

 

  
He jogged up the steps til he reached the top and was hearing weird noises again. And this time it sounded like someone was moaning in pain. Negan felt panicked so he ran towards where he was hearing the moaning only to find someone laying there almost dead. It was some man with a scruffy beard, ratty clothing and a walker bite on his neck. Normally he wouldn't even think twice and just put the poor mother fucker out of his misery. But Rick had changed his outlook on that so asking this man why he was laying in this building was going to happen.

 

  
"Hello? Not to be an insensitive asshole but how did this happen to you?" Negan asked attentively.

 

  
The man was coughing loudly now but tried to maintain a conversation with him still.

 

  
"I found out my leader was raping the women we took in, a lot of the others did nothin bout it.. I spoke against him then he pushed me into a walker. " The man wiped the sweat from his face. "I ran into this building to die in peace."

 

 

That shit made Negan sick, it was a rule for a reason so to hear how groups had no problem with that made him feel disgusted. It felt like milk curdling in his stomach.

 

  
"Just say the word and I'll put you outta your misery. Right here and now." 

 

  
"Please.. I don't wanna become one of those things.." The man was shaking and took a glance at Lucille. "Just not with that thing."

 

  
"Ahh Lucille here wouldn't make it very fucking pleasant. Here I'll make it quick.. one shot to the head."

 

  
The man nodded with tears in his eyes clearly not wanting to die but preferring to meet death as a human rather than an undead monster. Negan pulled at his gun, flicked the safety off then pointing it at the head of the dying man. He gave him a minute or two to say his last words then pulled the trigger. He looked at the blown in head of the man whose eyes were glossed over and left his body there because since he didn't even know the guy he wouldn't waste his time.

 

  
Negan was walking right through the building to find Rick so they could leave until he spotted a group of men standing at the other end of the room. It was more agitation that spread throughout his body rather than immense fear. During these instances he wanted nothing more than to call for Rick but that would endanger him right now. That would be only for last resort type shit.

 

  
"I'm guessing you're the mother fuckers who were looking for whatever his name is, well he's dead courtesy of me. The guy needed to be put outta his misery." Negan chuckled.

 

 

One man who was wasn't short but definitely wasn't taller than him stepped forward. This guy had short brown hair, a scar across his cheek and the ugliest fucking clothes on. He wasn't threatened but something about his whole demeanor seemed off and he was smiling like he won the lottery.

 

 

"You took somethin I wanted but I think I got somethin ya want back... is this guy yours?"

 

  
A panic spread inside of Negan when he saw the two other men leaving the room for a second, there was shuffling and out came Rick who wasn't hurt it seemed. But nevertheless they had him and this was turning into a really ugly situation in such a short amount of time. The rage he started to feel that blended in with the panic was like a recipe for bloodshed.

 

  
"If you so much as a harm fucking curl on his head I'll fucking bash your knee caps in before Lucille here bashes your skull in." Negan snarled.

 

  
"Wow buddy if I ain't known no more better i would say that man is somethin' real special to ya. He like the taste of your asshole?" The man chuckled as obnoxious as possible.

 

 

"I'll say it again if you fucking hurt him your brains will meet this floor. I promise you."

 

 

  
Negan's eyes traveled right over to where Rick was standing, he didn't look scared or worried and there was a dangerous gleam in his eyes. A smirk erupted on his face because there was a solution to this problem but it would end with a shit load of blood on the floor.

 

  
Suddenly catching the few men off guard Rick swung his fist into the one guy's face. He kneed the other in the stomach, kicking the man who was down before he could get him. And then Negan found himself attacking the man in front of him, he had the jump on him for pretty damn well.

 

 

He was about to swing Lucille down onto his skull before he felt this mother fucker leapt up and stabbed him in the chest. Whoever this guy was he was clearly bold as fuck but not for long because Negan was able to grip his chest before thrusting his foot towards his face. The blood dripped down from his hand like crimson rain drops and the shock was more overwhelming than anything. He was listening to Rick screaming for him and there was a high chance he would lose consciousness because the pain was tingling in his body.

 

  
Negan could see Rick barreling through the men, grabbing his hatchet and slicing one guy in the throat. One begged for mercy but was met with the hatchet to the head. And the man that was reeling still from having Negan's boot in his face. The guy tried to crawl away before he was stopped by Rick's body hovering over him. This time he didn't use his colt python or his hatchet either but he picked up Lucille with determination. Other than all the times hes made him touch her there had never been a moment after that where he's done it willing.

 

  
"Please man, please I didn't mean to!!!" The man pleaded on the cold floor.

 

 

  
Rick cocked his head to the side, "What's your name?"

 

  
"M-m-my name is Harry."

 

  
He smiled wide and it looked extra scary with the blood splatter on his face. For a moment it looked like Rick was going to show him some mercy.

 

  
"Well Harry can't say I'm sorry for this." Rick said before he swung Lucille up and slammed the guys skull once, the blood crept down his head. And it didn't stop there either. He swung her down over and over until the guy was past dead then dropped Lucille down onto the ground.

 

  
Rick rushed over towards him touching the wound lightly."You're gonna be okay, fuck... we need to get you back home."

 

  
"There's a lot of blood baby, if for some reason I don't fucking make it and knock on heavens door please -"

 

  
"Fuck you! You don't get to die, not on me. Let's go." Rick helped him up and knowingly grabbed Lucille as well then they left quickly.

 

  
Negan could feel himself passing out from the pain, last thing he saw before they got into the van to drive back was the younger mans nervous face staring at him. Minor wounds could result in anything especially stab wounds so he was prepared and his hazel eyes slowly shut.

 

* * *

 

 

Somehow they were able to make it back in time to tend to Negans wound. There wasn't buckets of blood flowing but he looked terrible once both of them got back to the Sanctuary. He was yelling for help and didn't give a fuck how much of a nut bar he looked. It was like he got shot up with fear rather than adrenaline and some of the Saviors who he knew didn't like him were glaring. Which he only shot back saying if they tried anything it wouldn't end well. One guy named Albert even questioned him as to how this happened. And Rick glared at him so hard he could have shot holes through him. Which shut him the fuck up real fast.

 

 

Eventually Dr. Carson was able to rush to take care of this. He was surprised the knife didn't hit anything major and he was able to fix him up enough. But him waking up wasn't going to happen because he needed rest so Rick was going to stay by his side.

 

  
Rick pulled one of the couches from where it was so he could sleep on the couch rather than bed. Last thing he wanted to do was lay in the bed and disturb his recovery. So he slept there for as long as Negan wasn't mobile which ended up being over a week. The only time he woke up was very briefly, muttering some dumb ass comments, asking for water then passing out again.

 

 

  
He laced his fingers with Negan's and it felt foreign to not get a response but his hands were so warm. Normally he would have gone to Alexandria but he doubted anything wrong was going on. And explaining this to all of them back at home would be pointless since it would only make Michonne mad that he cared about Negan this much, it would just warrant a response that wasn't needed right now. Any other time he would take it but not now.

 

 

By the end of the second week Negan was able to sit up but winced with pain often and yelled for Joseph to bring him and Rick food. Negan constantly wanted to be up to date on what was happening around there since Simon was briefly put in charge. And basically everything had be running the same but some were on edge with the whole him being out of commission briefly. Doctor Carson stopped by everyday to check on him, look at the bandaging as well as make sure no infection was popping up. He kept him on medication regardless just to be on the safe side and the meds made Negan a bit loopy which added humor to the situation.

 

 

Once Negan could walk around without feeling like he got hit by a truck he slowly started being in control again.Rick wouldn't even leave his side. And that's exactly what Negan wanted anyways, to have your partner be that concerned about you was a special thing. Especially when it was someone like Rick who actually cared about him even after what he did to him.

 

 

When he was asleep Lucille would visit him in his dreams almost every time he passed out. She would have them standing or sitting in different areas they've been together. And the discussion still felt so real which lead him to believe it was. It clearly wasn't a hallucination because he was sleeping but he certainly couldn't fucking explain what the hell was going on.

 

Maybe she was stuck in that in between state, maybe nothing existed and every person who died wandered in the after life. She explained to him that eventually he would have to ask Rick what he felt. Whether or not he felt the same it mattered and would be a turning point for all of this. That it was his decision to continue or let Rick go back to Alexandria but not go back to how it was. And Lucille had never been the type to be soft on him other than when she was dying so she remained the same as a spirit. Negan tried explaining that it didn't matter if this would end up like some bullshit romance novel. But that it did matter that Rick felt the same for him because it was the one real thing he got to experience in this hellish world.

 

 

Rick was laying down on the bed with a movie on the screen, he picked the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw which for the life of him Negan couldn't understand why this movie. But they watched it anyways and the world was pretty well a horror movie so this was nothing different really.

 

 

  
"Imagine us in that fucking situation, how goddamn stupid do you have to be to trust that guy? Some creepy fuck who claims to be the sheriff." Negan rolled his eyes at the movie.

 

 

  
"You'd probably scream and run if you saw Leather face don't lie."

 

 

  
Negan turned his head towards the younger man, his hazel eyes glaring in a very playful manner. "You're probably fucking right about that."

 

 

 Neither of them spoke much during the rest of the movie, unless it was during an obvious jump scare or as the people got killed off one by one. Mostly Negan teased Rick during the parts where Jessica Biel's nipples were showing through her shirt. Which only made him roll his eyes then give that famous glare of his.

 

  
After the movie finished almost no conversation happened outside of saying goodnight to each other and passing the fuck out. It had been a long past few weeks so all either of them wanted to do was sleep. He felt Rick snuggle up to close to him on the good side of his body and soon they were both in a deep sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

_Negan felt sand in between toes and looked down to find that he was standing on a beach. He could see the deep blue of the ocean from where he was standing. This was the exact place he took Lucille one day and it was a surprise because she was upset that they never did anything anymore. Which was true at that time he had become comfortable in their everyday life that he almost lost that spark he had. But when he took her to that beach before the sun set over the water, the orange hues were smudged in the sky._

 

  
_"There you are. You remember this day don't you?" Lucille had her feet in the water and she was moving her toes in the wet sand._

 

  
_He smiled looking down at the water in front of them. "I remember. You were fucking pissed at me before we got there but I made up for it with this beach and some mind boggling sex."_

 

  
_Lucille turned her head to the side and rolled her eyes. "You're such a goddamn jack ass, Negan."_

 

  
_"You fucking love it, we were perfect for each other."_

 

  
_"We were." She said. "But you still have to ask him."_

 

  
_"Do you know something I don't or some shit? Like is whatever higher power that lets you visit me calling the shots?"_

 

  
_Lucille leaned into him wrapping her arm's around his waist. "Maybe I do but once you ask him everything will change. Trust me."_

 

  
_"I need to know more than that before I get my goddamn heart ripped out of my chest."_

 

  
_"You'll know when you know jack ass, well you know the drill by now. I don't even need to say it."_

 

* * *

 

 

Negan opened his eyes to find it was already morning because the sun was peaking into the window. He didn't see Rick next to him which was less alarming and more confusing. But at least 10 minutes later he saw the blue eyed beauty walking through their bedroom door with a tray. It had pancakes and bacon with a lot of syrup on the plate.

 

 

  
"Here I got you breakfast. Figured you'd want pancakes this time and I wanted to surprise you." Rick said softly.

 

 

  
There he was taking care of him again when he didn't have to. Not that he's never brought him breakfast ever but ever since what happened Rick had been more attentive. They hadn't fought in quite a while which was a fucking miracle in itself. Sometimes all it took was some drastic situation to either bring two people closer or spread them farther apart. It was like they were on a map and instead of drawing routes around each other they followed just one. Now was probably a good of time as any to talk to him because neither of them were in a shit mood.

 

 

  
"Thanks doll. Mmm so much syrup just like I like it. You really know how to please me." Negan winked at him then started eating his pancakes.

 

 

  
"Shut up." Rick laughed.

 

 

  
"Look I need to talk to you about something. It's kinda fucking important."

 

 

  
Rick's eyes went wide out of fear. "W-w-what's wrong? Is your body fine?"

 

 

  
"Oh baby it ain't my health. It's something else altog-"

 

 

  
The conversation was interrupted by Simon knocking on the door and saying he needed to speak to him. But he just let him come in the wrong with Rick still standing there. Normally he'd keep his situations away from Rick so he wouldn't have a reaction to how he handled things.

 

 

  
"What is it Simon?"

 

 

Simon cleared his throat and his eyes darted between him and Rick. "We've got a bit of a situation boss. That prick Davey was caught breaking the rules, more specifically he was trying to rape one of your ex wives. Frankie somehow got away from him before he could go any further than he did. I would handle this myself but I know you would like to do this personally."  


 

 

 

"Damn fucking right I will." Negan growled. "This piece of shit has got it coming."

 

 

  
Not long after the conversation he did take care of Davey personally even though he wasn't feeling completely up to par physically he was still able to shove his knife into his neck. Negan couldn't keep someone like that around especially not after that. Which unlike normal Rick didn't find his way of doing things to be extreme since his own attempted rapists were killed. They talked about having a very stern community meeting where they went over the rules again thoroughly. And it did happen that very day despite how some weren't too keen on going over everything again.

 

 

  
"You got a lot of rules here. I almost forgot some of them." Rick poured himself a drink.

 

 

 

"Darling don't worry that pretty head of yours. You got special husband privileges so you're good as fucking gold." Negan said with a thumbs up.

 

 

  
"What was it you wanted to talk to me 'bout?"

 

 

  
"It's nothing."

 

 

  
"Negan please just tell me what it is, you obviously wanna tell me. "

 

 

And he really did want to let it out and pour his heart out to the beautiful blue eyed man standing in front of him. But it wasn't easy to just do that because this seemed like it would go one way or the other. Negan would be risking a lot by asking Rick the biggest question possible. But if he didn't do it now then he probably never would so putting it off again would likely cause a fight.

 

 

  
"You sure you wanna have this discussion right now because I can't guarantee you'll like a damn thing I plan to say." Negan pointed out.

 

 

What was it Negan was wanting to say to him anyways. It was making Rick nervous because it could be a number of things, and knowing him it was possibly several things at once. He didn't want to have another discussion of what happened before, or any of the random problems they've had. And he didn't want to discuss once again things between him and Michonne, that's a conversation that never ended well.

 

 

"Just tell me whatever it is. If it's about Michonne then no."

 

 

"What the fuck are you even talking about right now? Why'd you bring up Michonne?" Negans voice was getting louder.

 

 

  
"Because you know I still love her and that bothers you."

 

 

  
Negan exhaled deeply and tried not to even look in Rick's direction. "I fucking know that. But I need to ask -"

 

 

  
"What is it??" Rick asked.

 

 

  
"Do you have feelings for me?"

 

 

That caught Rick completely off guard, his mouth was trying to move but it wouldn't and the words weren't coming out at all.

 

 

"I don't know.." He said for the millionth time.

 

 

"Don't fucking play that 'I don't know' card, either you do or you fucking don't. It's that simple."

 

 

Rick had to take a shot and see where admitting this would go. "Yeah, I think I do."


	11. Fire & Desire

 

 

One year, two months and six days.

  
That's how long they'd been married now so they were taking the night to celebrate which meant getting drunk and acting like absolute idiots.

 

Negan always had an interesting music collection and loved dancing to it but Rick was never much of a dancer. He had tried to assure Negan that even if he was drunk as all shit he wouldn't be able to dance any better, but that didn't stop on him insisting.

 

  
But tonight was different so he was going to entertain the older man.

 

  
He was instructed to go put in the CD labeled "Get Frisky Motherfuckers" which he rolled his eyes at the bold label on it. Rick put the CD into the stereo system then a song that he knew right away started playing. Soon he was blushing a shade of red that was practically the color of a tomato.

 

 

There was no way in hell he was dancing to this song, no way at all.

 

  
_I believe in miracles_

_Where you from you sexy thing_

_I believe in miracles_

_Since you came along you sexy thing_

 

  
Negan was moving actually in rhythm to the song and the younger man was still blushing but took his drink back to work up the courage. He was trying not to laugh at how badly Rick was at dancing even when drunk and grabbed onto his hips to get a mood set. And Negan started mouthing the lyrics to him and then leaned down to plant a kiss on his pink lips, they were kissing rougher and rougher while their bodies practically melted together.

 

"No fucking way you're gonna distract me so you don't have to dance, move to the goddamn song or else." Negan warned playfully.

 

  
"Or else what?" Rick poked his tongue out cheekily. 

 

  
Before joking around like this wouldn't have happened so nonchalantly yet somehow they were in a pretty stable place in their relationship. Negan wasn't going to let anything fuck this up for him even if that meant resorting back to old behavior. He couldn't afford to lose Rick and while he knew he wasn't going to leave, there was some still some doubts.

 

 

It was obvious he still loved Michonne and always would love her (that much he made clear) so it was easy to think he'd go back to her. She wasn't at all in favor of their relationship for obvious reasons so whenever they'd visit Alexandria it was awkward as all shit.

 

  
Negan started to grind hard against the younger man while the song started to fade out and then they got interrupted by a loud cough. Both of them turned to find Simon standing there with a comical look on his face that faded after a moment. This wasn't the first time his right hand man had walked in on something and wouldn't be the last.

 

  
"Uh boss, are you both gonna join the festivities?" Simon asked.

 

  
Truthfully they were supposed to be hosting a big party in celebration of how they'd come but instead delayed their entrance by getting drunk alone together. They had to force themselves out of the room and started walking together to the main room of the Sanctuary. And once they got there people were cheering for them like they were the royal family or some shit. It was actually electrifying for Negan at least, to see how many people loved seeing them together. Unlike Rick's family who couldn't stand his ass at all, there had yet to be an attempt at a family dinner.

 

  
Negan had Simon get him a glass of the quality bourbon that Gregory had supplied them with recently and dinged the glass loudly enough. He had his hands on Ricks hips with a huge smile on his face like he'd just won at the state fair. He was so fucking lucky to have this be real.

 

  
"Glad y'all feel as excited as I fucking do or at least close enough. This year was a rough one but look at where we are now, the Sanctuary is flourishing!" Negan paused so everyone could clap. "And you can thank Rick here for keeping the peace between Alexandria and our community.. without him none of this would be fucking possible."

 

  
"Thank you Rick! Thank you Rick!" The crowd kept changing that and there were some whistles for him among the crowd including Joseph who hollered for him.

 

  
Being thanked like this was so new for Rick and if he had to be honest it overwhelmed him to have people think he was this fantastic. Sure his family back at Alexandria always thanked him for the things he did but huge parties weren't had in celebration of it. He looked on to all the smiling faces and nodded towards them in a genuine way then turned to Negan asking if the speech was over.

 

  
"Now if you'll excuse us, me and my gorgeous husband need to enjoy this lovely fucking party that has been set up for us."

 

 

Rick poured himself another drink and grabbed some finger foods shoving them in his mouth before he noticed Sherry standing next to him. She chuckled softly at him stuffing his face and handed him a napkin.

 

  
"Hey Sherry, where's Dwight?" Rick asked.

 

  
Sherry shook her head then sipped her own drink, "We're fighting a little bit right now."

 

  
"Why? I thought things were good between ya'll."

 

  
He was noticing there was something in the way she wasn't looking at him, like she was worried about his reaction to whatever it was. And Rick didn't want to think anything major was going on but he had noticed ever since ever since Dwight came back from Alexandria apparently getting bullets he'd been acting weird. And since Rick didn't want Negan becoming paranoid he didn't plan on mentioning anything yet. But he might have to do some investigation himself.

* * *

 

**4 days earlier**

 

" _What about Rick? We just gon' run up in there without thinkin' of him?" Daryl glared at everyone in the room. "Y'all have left him behind."_

 

 

_"No, he left us behind.. joined leagues with that piece of shit that killed Abraham and then Glenn just for the hell of it." Rosita sneered._

 

 

_"If we don't do this then we'll never get Rick back.. this is what needs to happen. And Dwight here is gonna help make it happen." Michonne said._

 

 

_Michonne didn't want to have to do this but it seemed that Rick was still choosing on his own free will to be with Negan. How it ended up here was beyond her comprehension, this was the same man who said he hated Negan. But he keeps staying married to him, living a life with him, sleeping with him and it wasn't because Negan was a man but all for the simple fact that he was a lunatic._

 

 

_"In order to beat Negan you'll need more than a few people, make sure you got the bullets and the numbers." Dwight said not so confidently before leaving._

 

 

_Everyone in the room was nervous thinking about what needed to be done and how betrayed Rick was going to feel when it happened._

* * *

 

 

  
Later that night Negan and Rick were still drinking because it was rare when they had nothing planned for the next day. It was going to be a free schedule for the next few days so their plans basically consisted of doing nothing at all. Negan had his lips trailing down the younger mans body, from his neck to his pink nipples. He takes the left one in his mouth while twisting the other with his fingers. Rick lets out a whiny moan and tries to reach down to rub his hardness only to have his hand swatted.

 

 

"No fucking way you're gonna rub that dick tonight, I'm doing all the work remember?"

 

 

Rick whined louder to show how badly he needed his dick touched but wasn't getting the reaction he need so he moved away. He ended up holding Negan down which somehow turned into a sexual wrestling match, that Rick lost as usual. They were on the floor after rolling off the bed together but the older man continued his assault on Rick's nipples, biting them lightly this time.

 

 

"Pleeassee touch me, please." Rick whined.

 

 

"I already am gorgeous."

 

  
"Y-y-you're an asshole.. I meant my d- "

 

  
Negan reached his hands inside the younger man's boxers and started to stroke his member, coating the head further with the pre cum that gathered up, listening to Rick's moans were like listening to a good CD on blast. And as he gained momentum the moans got louder and louder.

 

He slid the boxers off aggressively revealing the beautiful dick underneath them and stopped sucking on his nipple to get a good look. Even though he'd seen it a thousand times it was like seeing it for the first time all over again, miraculous. He moved his head down slowly so his eyes were connecting with Rick's eyes. The anticipation was closing in both of them but once he got the dick in his mouth it was show time. Sometimes he went painfully slow while other times he was sloppy about it because it turned him on to give sloppy bj's. Negan was moving his head up and down quickly then he felt his mouth being fucked.

 

  
He wasn't much for being a bottom but of course that changed during this marriage since they were both pretty dominant people. But for some reason Rick was ten times more aggressive when he topped him, there was always a fire in his eyes that looked dangerous but so damn hot in the same instance.

 

 

One time they had gotten really kinky and Rick started lightly choking him only for it to become a tight for comfort. He was fucking him so hard that he got lost in the moment until he noticed Negan almost passed out. For a few days he wouldn't even look at him which Negan felt so bad about because he knew that he didn't mean to. After that they had a discussion about the obvious 'dark place' that Rick was capable of reaching but often hide it away.

 

Though Negan loved that side of Rick and fuck if he didn't enjoy when he went there. He took Ricks dick out of his mouth with a pop then fumbled on the bed for the lube packet.

 

  
Rick loved the moment before they fucked because his whole body was always on fire, his skin would tingle and he would aching to be filled. This time they weren't going to do extremely long foreplay just a bit of a finger fucking to get his hole ready. After so long he'd become used to being stretched so it helped. 

 

  
"How badly do ya want my magic stick inside that pretty ass?" Negan cackled from above him.

 

  
"If you call it 'my magic stick' one more time -"

 

  
"Fine I'll refrain from my colorful fucking phrases..for now..but seriously tell me how bad do you want it?"

 

  
Rick groaned loudly, "Badly okay? Now do it.. put it in."

 

  
"Righty-o.. you know what they should call you? Ricky Dicky Grimes." Negan was pretty drunk so he couldn't stand still or be serious at all.

 

  
"Negan just fuck me! "

 

  
And he did just that only this time he wasn't taking his time to go slow, to tease the younger man or make him whine he wanted this to be rough, sweaty and electric. They sometimes preferred to have that type of sex where its almost mindless but not empty by any means because this wasn't some one night stand. Negan was glad it didn't end up that way where they just ended up being physical without the feelings. He pumped hard inside the loosened hole earning moans from Rick that rattle inside his ears like a melody. His hands held so hard onto his hips as he pounded relentlessly making certain his husband felt every single thrust.

 

  
"Oh my god don't stop baby."

 

  
Negan chuckled breathlessly as he leaned down to kiss Ricks full bottom lip, "I'm so close though darlin'.. don't you want this cum in your mouth?"

 

  
"Yes..yes please." Rick moaned while biting his lip sensually.

 

  
"Fuck yes, get on your knees now."

 

  
Rick obeyed and started sucking Negans dick so well, his tongue was flicking against his head, right in the slit before deep throating it so aggressively he could put porn stars to shame. And he kept going until he felt the warm load pool into his mouth without a second thought he swallowed it all. With one stroke he was done in himself before he realized it.

 

  
They both collapsed on their bedroom floor out of exhaustion even though it didn't last as long as it normally it did. Usually in these instances Rick was reminded how he was getting older, how he wasn't even remotely young anymore.

 

 

Carl was still a spring chicken who had a whole life to lead, hopefully. He really did miss Alexandria lately but he knew where they stood in all this and if everyone knew how he felt for Negan he'd be exiled forever. Maybe not to that extreme though he wouldn't be forgiven for a long tie.

 

 

Rick wanted to make a visit to the community soon because it'd been over a week but he did bring Judith for an over night for a day or two. Which some people weren't all for but he wasn't prevented from seeing Judith thankfully. She didn't even fuss during the whole trip, she loved spending time with him wherever they were. But she took to Negan so well it was actually surprising and the way she grabbed at his beard or his scarf even was the sweetest thing. For a moment they both thought she called him "papa" but that may have been just imagination.

 

 

Negan dragged them both up so they could go take a shower together. Sometimes neither of them had the energy for that shit but tonight it seemed they did. He turned on the tap to a medium warm temperature and stepped in alongside the younger man who was sweaty as hell. They took turns washing each other with a loofah but Rick couldn't take the silence any longer.

 

  
"I wanna go visit Alexandria soon.. maybe alone."

 

  
"Why can't I come?" Negans voice had an agitated tone to it. "I mean fuck they gotta get used to this eventually."

 

  
"You know that ain't why they feel angry."

 

  
"Yeah well that happened ages ago too.. can't fucking change it.. believe me I would if I could." Negan just wanted desperately to be accepted by Rick's family but it wasn't going to happen.

 

  
Rick sighed while leaning against the shower wall with his back turned, "Don't get mad but sometimes I wonder if this was a good idea.. if we should have let ourselves feel anythin.."

 

  
Usually he wouldn't want to hear that shit or even listen to the rest of the conversation but Negan couldn't walk out of the shower like that.

 

  
Fuck that he wasn't going to listen to some bullshit about how wrong this is for the millionth god damn time.

 

 

"Enjoy the rest of your damn shower." Negan grumbled and stepped out soaking wet from head to toe, his dark hair was dripping all over the place.

 

  
"You're so childish.. can't even have a damn conversation that's truthful."

 

  
Negan turned on his heel staring at Rick who had turned off the shower and had a towel wrapped around him. They were once again having a fight over some stupid shit.

 

  
"Why the fuck do you even stay with me if you're this ashamed.. it's such bullshit Rick and you wanna know what else you ain't any better than me. You're just as fucking twisted maybe even more.. "

 

  
"Shut up." Rick was giving him the signature glare.

 

  
"We back to that glare again? C'mon now Rick you know we're perfect for each other.. no one pushes you like me.. no one makes you fluttery and chaotic all in the same instance like I do. And no one fucks you into another life time like I DO. Tell me you don't love me."

 

  
Rick looked down to the ground knowing he couldn't lie especially not after him admitting it already. It still had a weird taste on his tongue because they weren't exactly the most normal situation. He wasn't being raped or coerced into this marriage but it wasn't his dream to marry Negan and build a life with someone who should have stayed his enemy. As much as he hated thinking about he really had hurt Michonne with all this. She didn't deserve to be waiting around forever or waiting for him to come home.

 

  
"I can't do that."

 

  
"That's right, you can't. Unfortunately neither can I.. sometimes you're a real fucking bitch to me." Negan rolled his eyes.

 

  
"Whatever.. not like you don't deserve it."

 

  
They both settled into bed but they weren't in the mood to cuddle or anything so Rick stuck to his side of the bed while Negan did the same. Rick was scared that they'd keep doing this dance forever, where he constantly brings up Negan's shortcomings. It wasn't exactly fair but he wasn't wrong about what he was saying either. Sure the older man had changed in some ways but he still had things to make up for, things to somehow make right. Other days it was hard to look at him when he really thought about things because forgetting Abraham or Glenn wasn't going to happen.

 

  
Rick waited until he knew that Negan had fallen asleep and slipped out of the bed to grab his clothes. He needed to take a small walk around the Sanctuary to clear his head. The walk was helping for the most part but he really needed a break from this place for a day or two. Without Negan.

 

  
Which there was a guarantee that the older man wouldn't be impressed by his need for space but this wasn't a prison so he could leave for a few days if he wanted.

 

  
"Hey Rick," Sherry said from a dark corner.

 

  
"Sherry what are you doin' there?"

 

  
"Do you plan to go to Alexandria anytime soon?"

 

  
"Yes, why?" Rick questioned.

 

  
"I can't explain but you need to talk to your people."

 

  
"About what?"

 

  
Sherry bit her lip nervously and started to walk away but Rick grabbed her arm gently. "I can't tell you.."

 

  
"Well at least tell me what I need to talk to them about." Rick said.

 

  
"Talk to them about how bad of an idea it would be to try to take down Negan."

 


	12. Honesty Is  the Best Policy

Ever since that conversation he had with Sherry he'd been wondering what was going on at Alexandria all this time. Rick had to pay a visit and ensure they weren't trying to do anything stupid, like go to war. The last time he was there a little fight happened but Daryl seemed to be the only one who was standing by him. If he even told Negan a lick of what he suspected shit would likely hit the fan.

 

  
Rick was supposed to go visit Alexandria today alone but Negan insisted he had to come along. Which Rick knew was slightly because he wanted to keep an eye on him. He thought they were past all the possibilities of deception but it seemed that wasn't the case. All he wanted was one day to just be alone with his family back in Alexandria. Trying to be in a relationship where everyone else you love hates you for it, where you're supposed to be enemies with this person, is fucking hard.

 

  
And the day he told Negan he loved him was an interesting day because while he meant it, the words still felt felt foreign on his tongue. Loving someone that has damaged you before seems more like self inflicted pain especially since he killed two people he thought of as family. Whenever Rick tried to forget it or put it into the traumas he'd experienced since the apocalypse it always came back. He would wrestle with the memories for a few days, try to forget, try not to tremble when Negan would touch him, Rick was scared of what happened before.

 

  
Since they weren't going for longer than a few hours today there wasn't a need to pack anything. But Negan was bringing a bottle of wine to Michonne as a bit of a peace offering since he had figured out she loved red wine. She might not like where he got it from given they took it from Gregory recently. Not that anyone liked that man but it meant they were still taking supplies from other communities.

 

  
"Ready to go hot stuff?" Negan put his red scarf around his neck and grabbed Lucille from the wall.

 

  
"Yeah."

 

  
"What the fuck is wrong with you now? I know we had a rough night but - "

 

  
"Let's just get through the day." Rick sighed. "Please."

 

  
"Fine. Whatever you say Blue Eyes. I reeeaally hope Michonne likes this bottle of red, it's some good fucking wine so I don't know why she shouldn't.

 

  
"Probably 'cause it will be from you." Rick sometimes wondered if his confusion was genuine or if Negan really forgot why they all hated him.

 

  
Negan clicked his tongue in response, "Someone's extra sassy today, maybe you need your mouth filled later."

 

  
"I'm mad at you but I'm horny so how 'bout instead of later it can happen in the car?"

 

  
The older man grabbed Rick's ass hard while other Saviors stared on wide eyed but turned their heads afterwards. He wanted to fuck but they would have no time to stop if they wanted to get to Alexandria at a good time. So Rick was settling for giving or possibly getting a blow job or hand job. More than likely would be the latter if he played his cards right.

 

  
Soon they were walking towards the truck with the bottle of wine but Rick rushed to the drivers seat and grabbed the keys. Negan looked at him strangely but shrugged and got into the passenger seat.

 

  
"Why you wanna drive so badly?"

 

  
Rick put the keys into the ignition and smirked towards the older man. "You're gonna get me off."

 

  
"Is that so?" Negan licked his lips.

 

  
"Yes it is."

 

  
They started driving out of the Sanctuary then the gates were closed behind them. Rick knew that he was being a bit of an asshole but in order to be dominant with Negan you had to be. He didn't even to tell the older man to do anything and found the front of his jeans being unzipped. And he moaned as he felt his dick being stroked slowly at first but the pace was picked up almost immediately. Rick had to keep his focus on the road otherwise they would get into some shit accident and it would all come down to a quick hand job.

 

  
"Goddamn I love when you tell me what to do." Negan whispered. "It's so fucking hot and do you wanna know why? Because secretly you're even more dominant than me. All those stories you told me about you killed people without any second thought.. that turned me on so much."

 

  
"Shut up, Negan." Rick moaned. "Just don't talk."

 

  
"Keep your eyes on the fucking road baby."

 

  
"I am just don't distract me.."

 

  
"Just keep those pretty baby blues on the road." Negan stroked harder. "Mmm I don't tell you this enough but you've got a pretty dick to go along with that face."

 

  
"You gonna suck my dick or are you gonna keep talkin'?"

 

  
"That A+ blow job will have to come later, don't want us to serve off the road."

 

  
Even though Rick wouldn't say it out loud he was right, they would likely serve off the road because Rick reacted a certain way in sexual situations. He would become consumed in what was happening where as Negan could get a blow job while driving and still be able to focus. It was just how they were built, Negan seemed to have been molded in chaos but he never was. He encouraged Negan to go fast , to stroke harder, to make him cum all over his hand. And he started stroking so hard he was bound to explode soon.

 

  
"I'm gonna cum.." Rick moaned. "Fuck."

 

  
"Cum for me, I'll lick it up for you."

 

  
With a loud cry Rick was cumming all over all the older man's hand and right he watched Negan lick it off his hand then briefly off his dick which was still sensitive. The drive went as it usually did when they were alone together, they discussed recent dealings, the gossip brewing around, but avoided their relationship. Until Rick decided to bring it up because he couldn't take the brief silence any longer. And they wouldn't be able to work through it unless they opened up.

 

  
"Don't say anythin' stupid today.. for my sake. I don't need them resenting my decisions anymore than they do. Carl's only supportive to a point and everyone else besides Daryl hates this. They see you as merely an arrangement."

 

  
Negan didn't look very impressed but still maintained a level of calm. "I've tried to apologize but I don't fucking know what else to do. Truth be told it wasn't like what happened was entirely my fault."

 

  
"Now you're back to defending what you did to us."

 

  
"Wh-what I did to you?" Negan stammered. "Are you fucking kidding me? You guys slaughtered one of my god damn outposts and expect me to just what? Smile it off, go on my merry way?"

 

  
"We did what we had to so we could survive, from what we heard bout you at the time we didn't think anythin of it."

 

  
"The only reason they all hate me so much is 'cause Abraham and Glenn meant somethin, they were your family. If they were just some people you survived with.. it wouldn't matter. You'd chalk it up to some fucking eye for an eye shit."

 

  
Before Rick knew it he was driving up to the Alexandria gates where he saw Sasha standing there. She saw their truck rolling up and only smiled when she saw Rick driving.

 

  
Rick got out of the car first, "Nice to see you Sasha. We're only gonna be here for an hour or two."

 

  
"That's fine.. not like I can tell his ass to leave anyway." She murmured before opening the gate for the both of them.

 

  
Once they started walking into the community as usual the residents stared at Negan in fear then proceeded to run into their houses. The only person who casually walked up to them was Daryl but he only did so to hug Rick. He felt the warm arms embrace in him tightly and leaned into the hug. The last time he was here for longer than an hour was two weeks ago.

 

  
"Glad you're here brother." Daryl whispered into his ear. "Even if you brought that prick."

 

  
"Please try to be civil at least, I can't have another fight happen."

 

  
Daryl nodded at him and then walked the opposite direction.

 

  
Since he preferred not leaving Negan alone to bother people he brought him over to the house because he had to see Judith and Carl at least. He was lucky they didn't resent him for not being there enough, well Carl at least, Judith was still too young to mention anything yet. Last time he came to visit Michonne left once she saw him come through the front door and the only time she talked to him was during the fight. When the fight erupted it was volcanic, destroying everything in its path, so many people talking at once that it was hard to keep up. And most of what was said hadn't been entirely wrong, he did choose to stay with Negan and wasn't planning to leave.

 

  
He nervously walked through the front door and peeked to see nothing, he walked through the entire house but no one was home. Not Carl. Not Judith and definitely not Michonne.

 

  
"Yikes looks like they fucking knew we were coming."

 

  
"They couldn't have been told that quickly."

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes, "Goddamn you can't take a joke."

 

  
"It wasn't funny." Rick rolled his eyes.

 

  
The past day or so had been off for the both of them mainly because of the stupid fight they got into, not to mention the fact that shit kept getting brought up. Negan wanted to say "get the fuck over it" or some other shit that was guaranteed to piss someone off. But he refrained from saying all that needed to because he wasn't losing Rick over some stupid comment. He didn't want to believe they were that fragile, but they were, and he'd known this for a while.

 

  
It didn't take them very long to find everyone because they were standing in the middle of the street laughing with drinks. Which was weird since Daryl saw them earlier but failed to mention this. Probably on purpose. Negan stood there awkwardly and waved which the only responses he got were glares. He held up the bottle of wine as a peace offering but still no one approached him.

 

  
"Hey Rick!" Maggie called out.

 

  
Rick felt a smile creeping up onto his face, "Hey, I've missed you."

 

  
"We've missed you.." Maggie smiled but glared when Negan got closer to their conversation.

 

  
"Hey."

 

  
Maggie avoided any some sort of eye contact and responded with a very dry "hey" right back to Negan.

 

  
"Looks like Rick's whole family is out on the street, I brought some wine if anyone wants to -"

 

  
She held up her hand and started to speak again, "Don't think just 'cause Ricks married to you that we accept you.. we don't. If I had it my way I'd slice your throat right now but I can't. You don't deserve him and eventually when he does leave you'll understand why."

 

  
Before Negan could even respond back she walked off with a confident stride after verbally slicing him open.

 

  
"Holy goddamn she's a real spit fire not that it's fucking surprising but shit." Negan cackled.

 

  
Rick grabbed the bottle of wine because they were no way anyone would accept shit from his husband. And when he walked towards Carl and Michonne who was holding Judith, he felt a sense of warmth again. He handed her the bottle and lied saying it was from him. Of course she didn't believe him but took it anyways after handing Judith over to Carl.

 

  
"Why is he here Rick?" She asked him in annoyed tone of voice.

 

  
"I couldn't not bring him.. he really wanted to come. You shouldn't worry that he'll make a scene.. he didn't even bring Lucille."

 

  
Michonne raised her eye brows in fake surprise. "So the fact that he didn't bring his stupid murder weapon means what? That he won't be a complete nut?"

 

  
"He won't." Rick felt himself getting pissed off even having this conversation. "Just please."

 

  
"We're not together anymore, Rick.. you don't know what's best for me now." She turned away from him and whistled to get the groups attention, all eyes were on her all of a sudden and it definitely showed she was the new leader. Alongside Daryl who stood next to her all of a sudden.

 

  
"Everyone lets get back to our assignments and the project we're working on." Michonne shouted.

 

  
The last hour of the visit wasn't super pleasant aside from Ricks time with his daughter and the brief moments that Carl spent with him until he left the room with Michonne. When they left he noticed that Judith kept reaching towards Negan and was fidgeting like crazy. After a short moment of consideration he let Negan hold her, right away she held onto him.

 

  
"She really likes you." Rick commented. "I'm surprised."

 

  
"Why are you surprised?"

 

  
"Just didn't take you as someone who liked kids."

 

  
Negan shrugged, "Kids have always gravitated towards me, like I got some gravitational pull with people."

 

  
Most people were good with kids around there, even Eugene wasn't completely without knowledge of children but picturing Negan as "daddy daycare" was definitely odd. And to think someone as violent, vulgar and sometimes sadistic could actually enjoy being around children. But he wasn't a complete monster so it wasn't such a crazy shock. He watched them intensely especially when Judith pulled on the older mans salt n pepper beard. There was a certain look in Negan's eyes that seemed more relaxed than he'd been lately.

 

  
As soon as their hour was up Judith whined when they had to leave, she started to blubber with somehow Negan calmed her down. He assured her they would be back again really soon and that he would bring her a toy if she wanted. They left the house and weren't told "goodbye" or anything. Rick hated leaving like this almost every time, where he felt like he wasn't welcome there anymore. And what Michonne had said to him was painful as hell to hear out loud even though he knew it was pretty much over. She had yet to tell him that she didn't feel anything any longer and Rick hoped he would never hear those words.

 

  
Negan decided to drive them back to the Sanctuary instead of the other way around this time, it was just something he enjoyed doing. He got into the drivers seat and slammed the car door which was indicative of him being pissed off.

 

  
"Did you notice how suspicious they were acting? As if they were hiding shit from us." Negan started up the car and started driving down the road.

 

  
"I didn't notice that." Rick was lying but he wasn't sure anything was going on so mentioning it was pointless. "They just seemed on edge."

 

  
"You're a shitty liar sometimes.. if you hear anything make sure you tell me so I can shut the shit down immediately."

 

  
"Of course."

 

  
What if they were actually planning to go to war against Negan and the Saviors, since he lives there it includes him so he was in danger as well. Not that he ever imagined them hurting him but there were always casualties in war and he wouldn't be an exception. If he did die then the terror that Negan would reign on Alexandria would be awful. He would kill every last one of them but spare Carl and Judith that was for certain. No one would be left alive. Rick couldn't have that happening so if there was a chance he would bandage the wound before it bled out.

 

  
"Where would you be right now if we'd never met?" Rick asked curiously.

 

  
Negan looked at him for a brief moment then kept his eyes on the road again. "I would probably still have my wives but I wouldn't be happy. There was no fucking way I would loved any of them ever, they were just a way to forget Lucille. To dull that shitty pain I had after her death. What about you?"

 

  
"Well I can say for certain I'd still be with Michonne.. still livin' in Alexandria but the community would be thriving, we'd be trading with other communities peacefully and it would be more of the same just without you."

 

  
"Do you think you'd be happier?" Negan had his eyes ahead and wouldn't glance in Ricks direction.

 

  
"Yes." Rick answered. "But mainly 'cause it'd be simpler. Abraham and Glenn would still be alive, I wouldn't have been so broken.. so lost."

 

  
"This will make me sound like even more of an asshole but I'm mostly sorry that I've hurt you. I mean fuck, now you're the last person I wanna hurt."

 

  
 If only other people could see him behave this intimately, to show actual emotion and not be crass all the fucking time. This was partially why everyone was so put off by Negan because he acted as if nothing mattered to him. Mostly everyone back at Alexandria thought Rick was still with Negan just to keep them safe. Almost as if he wasn't capable of loving someone like this, that the twisted part of him wasn't content. He was capable of awful things like almost anyone but there's a difference between enjoying them and not. When he'd helped kill those men who tried to rape him he felt satisfied, he wanted to stab their faces continually.

 

  
And Negan knew that they were alike, he constantly pointed it out somehow, reminding him how if Rick let himself go he would become the same. Over time Rick started to believe it more and more, now he fully believed it whether he addressed it out loud.

 

  
"We never discuss details.. like things bout ourselves the other may not know." Rick said.

 

  
"I guess we don't. Well here's a fun fucking fact.. I can write poems."

 

  
Rick stared at him bewildered, "No way, there's no way."

 

  
"It's true before the world went to shit I used to write a lot of poetry, mainly for Lucille. That was the last time I wrote any."

 

  
"I ain't that good of a cook but I can sometimes bake.."

 

  
"Well I already knew you couldn't cook Blue Eyes." Negan smirked. "Remember the dinner you tried to make me."

 

  
"Hey! It wasn't that awful."

 

  
They both started laughing when they thought back to that, the food was so bad that Negan needed to down half a bottle of wine to finish his plate. And afterwards they had some rough sex to avoid talking about how bad the dinner was.

 

 

"Alright another thing you don't know is that I can draw.. not just stick figures but real fucking faces." Negan said with a proud look on his face.

 

  
Rick hated when Negan would distract him from whatever they'd be angry about before. It just showed him how easy it was to get caught him in Negan, to be pulled in so deeply. A lot of the time it did cloud his better judgment and in this case he couldn't keep bringing shit up. There was no bringing anyone back from the dead or changing anything at all.

 

* * *

 

"Are we actually doing this? I mean are we going to try to kill him? I just don't think is a good idea." Tara said.

 

  
Daryl grunted, "Yeah I think we're pretty damn stupid to try this. What the hell is Rick gonna say?"

 

  
"We've got the numbers with The Hilltop, we don't need Ricks permission." Rosita said aggressively.

 

  
Michonne knew there was a huge risk in doing this but as long as the Sanctuary stood tall then other communities would be suffering. Even though they weren't being ransacked for all they had it didn't matter, Negan was a piece of shit that needed to be eliminated.

 

She was doing this for a multitude of reasons and a lot of them came right back to Rick. He deserved to finally be free of whatever fake life he was leading. Every time he tried to convince her that it was real and he wasn't being forced she had an even harder time believing it. Any love he felt for him was almost like Stockholm syndrome in her eyes.

 

  
"We strike tomorrow when they least expect it. Tonight we head to the Hilltop to get everyone who has volunteered from there fully prepared. This needs to be done correctly and we really can't afford any mistakes on either parts. This won't be like the outpost, it will be a lot harder than that."

 

  
The group looked at Michonne not arguing any further knowing damn well this was necessary and pivotal in order to spark change.

 

  
Maggie stepped forward, "When we arrive there what happens? How do we get Rick back?"

 

  
"It's either he comes willing or we knock him out.. that's all I can think. But Negan won't let us take him that easily." Sasha pointed out while sharpening her knife.

 

  
"I'll handle Negan. " Michonne said. "You all know the plan so make sure to stick to it no matter what."

 

  
Carl was the only one who had been mostly silent about this plan of attack mainly because he knew it wasn't wise to do. His dad would probably feel betrayed, they might all end up dead and this could cause further problems. Negan hadn't been gunning for them ever since he got married to his dad either. They were basically starting something that didn't need to happen. But he was still going to be there just in case.

 

 

"Everyone grab your weapons and meet me by the RV. We leave in a half hour to the Hilltop."

 

  
Michonne pulled Carl aside after addressing everyone one last time until they left. "I would rather you not come 'cause then I have to worry if you're okay."

 

  
"Don't worry Michonne, I'll be fine. Are we really going to do this? We don't have to, Dwight hasn't told Negan."

 

  
"If we don't do this then we don't get back your dad." Michonne said.

 

  
Carl opened his mouth to retort but knew deep down that it was true, his dad wasn't going to come back on his own especially not if Negan was alive. He had been mostly supportive about the relationship but Negan had proved to be unpredictable. What surprised him was how his dad didn't look unhappy or like someone who was being coerced. Usually in those situations you can see the uncomfortable facial experiences, the demeanor and everything. Carl only saw his dad trying to make everyone happy but failing again. That was the most he'd been doing wrong lately if he was being honest.

 

  
"Maybe he's happy there... not like he never visits or comes to see Judy." He responded.

 

  
"Once we bring him back home he'll see all of us everyday, now grab your things so we can go."

 

* * *

 

Rick had been feeling antsy about the whole idea of them planning an attack. I mean what would be the point when Negan had the numbers to ensure destruction? Unless they found others to join their war, possibly the Hilltop or some other desperate community. That wasn't out of the question but the only person who would know the plan is Dwight. So that's exactly who he would approach about it.

 

  
Waiting around wouldn't solve anything.

 

  
He walked around the Sanctuary to all the spots that Dwight usually was with Sherry or otherwise and eventually found him with her. They were both smoking alone outside, laughter filled the air, but stopped when he approached them.

 

  
"Hey Rick, How are you?" Sherry asked.

 

  
"Hey not so good.." Rick paused. "Dwight do you know anythin'?"

 

  
"Anything about what?"

 

  
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid please. Ever since you got back from Alexandria when you went you've been actin' weird, are they planning to kill Negan?"

 

  
Sherry's eyes widened at the abruptness of the conversation and yet she wasn't stopping it from happening. In fact she Dwight a look that was like encouragement.

 

  
"Since you've figured it out I guess it doesn't matter, yes they're planning to kill him. Why does it matter? Shouldn't you hate him?" Dwight replied.

 

  
"I should but I don't, he's my husband and I actually care what happens to this place. Now please do you know when they'll get here? Is it soon?"

 

  
Rick was well aware that he should have told Negan right away about this just to avoid disaster. But judging by the way Dwight was looking at him, disaster was well on its damn way. He explained that they were supposedly coming tomorrow sometime but he didn't know when. Obviously they wouldn't trust him with that information but he was playing some part in this. Apparently their plan was also an extraction as in dragging him back home. Rick started breathing really shallow because of his anxiety, he was losing breath and everything was a bit shaky. This stress was a real killer.

 

  
"Your husband's a maniac..just like I told Sherry he needs to die." Dwight took one last puff of his cigarette. "You should be happy about it."

 

  
And before Rick could pry any further information out of the blonde he saw him walking away swiftly without Sherry.

 

  
Sherry puffed her cigarette and looked melancholic. "For a while I thought Negan was a full on awful person. He never forced us to be with him but it was for survival anyway. At least at first. I could have left and gone back to Dwight but he was turning into a person I barely recognized, for a while I didn't know if I still loved him."

 

  
"If you want to save Negan go tell him." She continued. "Don't wait until the last minute."

 

  
Rick nodded knowing she was right about that and ran back inside to find the older man. Bringing this up now would put him in a very bad mood. And not just one of his regular bad moods. They were talking about a fucking war that would ultimately destroy both their communities if they had more numbers. Which presuming they do because they wouldn't attempt at it otherwise. He went to their room to find Negan sitting on the couch with papers.

 

  
"Hey." Rick said.

 

  
Negan turned to look over his shoulder briefly, glasses were framing his face, "Hey darling, what's goin on?"

 

  
"Um you won't like this at all actually." Rick felt his hand starting to shake and he was sweating. "I just need you to promise me you won't do anythin' rash."

 

  
"Depends on what the fuck it is."

 

  
"My people want to kill you."

 

  
The response that was expected now was rage, a lot of cussing, maybe storming out of the room but Negan didn't give him any of that. In fact he was laughing like they cracked a good joke together.

 

  
"Don't they always want to? That couldn't possibly be the news, spit it out Blue Eyes."

 

  
"They're going to war..against us." Rick blurted out. "Apparently they've been planning it for a while.. now I had my suspicions but I didn't want to scare you."

 

  
Negan furrowed his dark brows and set his glasses down on the table. "Wait so you didn't fucking tell me 'cause you didn't want to scare me? How fucking stupid is that.. if they do attack I won't be ready, no one will."

 

  
"I know but -"

 

  
"No god damn buts, just shut the fuck up right now."

 

  
Rick had a look of shock on his face, "Excuse me?"

 

  
"Oh I'm sorry I'll be nicer.. please shut the fuck up right now. And don't even think for a second that you've done the right thing when the right would have been to mention it earlier."

 

  
He was right about that entirely, mentioning it before would have given Negan more time to prepare and stop this shit. But since Rick wanted to be certain about everything he waited, until it was too damn late. Now they could come at anytime tomorrow so that meant guards near the gates tonight. Rick knew how pissed off the older man was so he didn't bother him any further. They weren't going to have a nice evening and that was that.

 

  
Once it got dark outside there were Saviors set up outside to keep watch of the gates, there was nothing left to do but wait around for what was going to happen.

 

  
Negan was pacing their room with a drink in his hand and he'd had at least 5 within a few minute time span. This only happened when he was stressed or needing a good time. And it wasn't the latter.

 

  
"We need to discuss what the plan is 'cause I can't have you ill them." Rick choked back the tears thinking of all of them laid out dead on the gravel.

 

  
"Do you realize that you've picked your fucking side by staying with me or will you accuse me of forcing you again. The goddamn kicker is I gave you time to think it over. Unless your merry band of fucking idiots threatened me I would have kept taking your shit and not harming a single one of you."

 

  
"We barely had much but you didn't care so that's why I said yes." Rick growled out.

 

  
"That's fucking right but you don't say 'cause of them."

 

  
"No I don't."

 

  
"No you fucking don't and in case you forgot you're mine.. not Michonnes, not anyone else's.. mine. And I'm still yours but you treat me like I'm the devil sometimes."

 

  
Any other moment he would have denied that claim right away though right now, Rick could see it clearly. He'd been trying to convince himself that he was the better one here. For the longest time he thought of Negan as Lucifer incarnate, the person who wanted to destroy everything in his grasp. Yet Rick was the one who was subconsciously chipping away at their relationship most likely out of fear. He tried to step forward to comfort Negan but he didn't want that right now.

 

  
"Answer this honestly, do you want a divorce? I can rip up those papers, send you back home..it's your decision." Negan's hazel eyes looked glossy.

 

  
"No.. I don't want a divorce."

 

  
"Is that honesty?"

 

  
"I'm being honest." Rick responded.

 

  
"Okay. Just remember whatever happens I do love you."

 

  
Rick caught his breath somehow after his anxiety was attacking his whole body, "I know you do and I do too."

 

  
Just when they were having a moment alone there was screaming being heard from a distance, the whole Sanctuary was in disarray from the sounds that were echoing. Both men rushed out of their room to see people running around, kids were crying and Simon was nowhere to be found. Rick ran up the stairs to one of the doors leading outside and his eyes widened. His people plus some he didn't know were standing outside. Including Carl from what he could see.

 

  
Michonne was standing on a truck roof with a megaphone. "Where's Rick? Bring him out!!!"


	13. The Days of Why and How

 

 

If there was one thing that his family was good at, it was fighting with all they had. Every threat that had come their way was demolished, but when Negan came along they were stumped. Everyone had been left with the crippling loss and the agony that came with supplying for the Saviors, for Negan. And all that time Rick had laid awake at night planning his death, how he'd beat him to death, slit his throat or even use Lucille on him. But now he woke up in the same bed as the man he had wanted to kill and loved him. Feeling residue guilt was a pain in the ass because it made things hard sometimes but Rick just swallowed it like a chalky pill.

 

  
Truthfully all the times he'd imagined a war happening at this point in time it was always Michonne leading the charge. In any other circumstance he'd be proud but he wasn't proud right now because people would die. Not likely himself but Negan was in for a world of hurt whether he admitted it or not.

 

 

Rick had a hard time believing they'd stop without hard convincing.Despite Negan's pleads to stay where he was Rick started walking towards the gate so she could see him fully.

 

  
"Michonne! Please put that down so we can talk.. peacefully." Rick called out.

 

  
"No. We need to end this, end him." Michonne pointed at Negan directly. "Whether you come with us now or later he'll die either way."

 

 

Negan looked amused at the boldness but his body language was showing how scared he really was. He didn't have Lucille with him thankfully. "Listen you don't want this, i most fucking certainly don't want this, so we can forget this ever happened. Deal? Shit I'll even throw in a case of wine."

 

  
"Fuck you asshole." Rosita snapped, it wasn't surprising that she could yell that loudly either.

 

  
"Yeah yeah I get it I'm a goddamn asshole but have I tried to kill any of you lately?" Negan dramatically stroked his chin. "No I haven't. Now see Rick here wants us to live in peace so can we just -"

 

  
Michonne pointed the rocket launcher at the gate, "Rick! I need you to move out of the way."

 

  
"DON'T DO THIS!!" Rick screamed at Michonne who looked more than determined to shoot it. He knew she wasn't going to stop so moving was his only option, Rick pushed Negan to go up the stairs leading into the building. There were shots being fired already but he saw only Saviors falling to the ground, then a loud noise rattled the air, and suddenly the gate exploded.

 

 

Once they got inside Negan yelled for everyone to head to their rooms for safety purposes and not to come until they'd been told to. All the people were in a frenzy but still obeyed the orders and rushed to their sleeping quarters. This was going to be an absolute nightmare plus not being able to kill anyone was aggravating.

 

  
"Fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!!" Negan yelled. "Jesus goddamn Christ she's determined to kill me."

 

 

  
"I won't let that happen but please Negan I'm begging you....don't hurt her."

 

 

  
"Hurt her?! Blue Eyes I highly doubt I could.. she looks like she could kick my ass from here to Kentucky."

 

 

  
Rick knew that Michonne was one of the strongest people he knew, especially in a physical sense. She had told him a long time about her fight with the Governor and if that wasn't proof of how bad ass she was, then he didn't know what. And she was more than determined to kill Negan. She was dead set on it.

 

 

He could barely think with all the gun fire and the screaming, plus the last thing he wanted to do was hold a gun to any of their faces. And he knew Carl was out there with them so that made him feel more uneasy about this whole thing. Rick wasn't mad at Michonne for letting him come, he was stubborn and was more than capable. But if it came down to respecting Rick's wishes or killing Negan he was worried he wouldn't listen to reason.

 

 

Negan turned around in the other direction, "They're lucky you love them and that they're family otherwise I'd kill them all.. besides Carl."

 

 

  
"I know you would.. I'm grateful you don't."

 

 

  
"But you must get that I can't let them come through here and fucking destroy the place. We need to do whatever it takes to stop them...if that means knocking some people out so be it."

 

 

Rick nodded and started walking to the weapons room but could hear gun fire close so they made it quick. Since they didn't plan on killing anyone it would only be for show.

 

 

  
"If I die I need you to -" Negan tried to explain to Rick before he got interrupted.

 

 

  
"Please don't say that."

 

 

  
"Fuck just listen to me. If I die I need you to know that this wasn't a mistake, you're not bad or wrong for this. Stop treating all of this like its black or fucking white, there's grey area. I wasn't that great of a person before but you make me want to be and that's so fucking corny but I mean it."

 

 

Rick felt the tears coming and his fingers held onto Negans shirt as he looked him in the eyes. Then he started kissing him hard, their tongues were flicking against each others and the room was spinning. It felt strange feeling so much good when so much wrong was happening around them but why couldn't he be happy? Being with Michonne had made him happy but he lost that when he chose this for himself.

 

  
Before either of them realized Rick was being pulled backwards violently. He crashed to the ground then looked up to find Michonne and Daryl standing there.

 

 

"You guys don't need to do this." Rick pleaded. "Please.. don't kill him."

 

  
Michonne let out a small laugh but it was anger laced. "Before all this you wanted him dead, all those times you told me you wished he was dead. And now you're kissing him like he isn't the monster who had us on our knees that night."

 

  
"I'm begging you please."

 

 

"I'm sorry Rick but I have to, this is for you and someday you'll get it. Daryl please take him out of here he doesn't need to watch this."

 

 

He was suddenly being dragged kicking and screaming but was feeling too weak to fight it. The tears were taking over and he was feeling so helpless thinking about what was happening. Daryl was trying to console him the best he could but it wasn't working because this was the last thing he wanted. Maybe this was how it was supposed to end after all. The moment Rick was starting to accept it he heard scuffling and it sounded like Michonne got knocked over. Rick was able to escape Daryl's arms and ran back to the room. 

 

 

He could see the fight playing out and Michonne wasn't the one on the receiving end by any means. Rick watched as she repeatively kicked Negan in the stomach.

 

 

  
Negan wasn't bothering with fighting back unless she was trying to stab the hell out of him. He actually admired Michonne for having the balls to attack like this. And understood why her and Rick worked so well together because she was a certified bad ass.

 

  
His swollen lips were dripping blood and he started howling with laughter, "Are you really gonna fucking kill me with Rick standing there? That's some cold shit."

 

 

  
"Yes." Michonne responded simply.

 

 

Negan had a wolfish grin on his face before he kicked her out from under her feet causing her to fall to the cold floor.

 

 

But she retaliated quickly by punching him in the dick. Not being able to watch this any further Rick rushed over to the older man and tried to assure it would be okay. And when Michonne tried to push him out of the way to finish the job he shielded Negan. So far there wasn't much of a plan other than blocking any further attempts. The most Rick could do is talk her down and if it came to it, he'd leave with them. But after what happened today it was unlikely she'd let him come back.

 

  
The look Michonne was giving him was heart wrenching and he didn't expect the words that were coming out of her mouth next. "What did he do to you to make you not yourself anymore?"

 

  
Rick wasn't certain that was a rhetorical question because the look in her eyes wasn't indicating she wanted an answer. And if he had to answer he'd probably say he doesn't know. One day he woke up and he hated Negan less then the days started to bleed together until he just didn't hate him anymore. He just hated what he's done. But no longer hated him with a passion. The feelings he had weren't a result of needing love, validation or anything, he just developed feelings. At the start he would have kicked himself for even admitting that.

 

  
She held her katana in her hands and took one glance in Negan's direction but didn't step forward. Suddenly she was turning around to leave the room, ushering Daryl away with her, it felt incomplete like the fight wasn't over. But given the craziness that was happening around the Sanctuary it really wasn't over. There would be repercussions or in Negans case he would dish out some sort of punishment. Since what happened the first time they met was off limits he would have to find some way for them to pay. Rick wouldn't be able to stop what came next. He could just lighten the blow a little bit.

 

  
Rick started following everyone to see the mess they were leaving behind, which revealed it was a big fucking mess. First of all they killed a lot of people and Negan was clearly pissed off. A lot of these people had loved ones who were in their sleeping quarters right now hiding. And he'd have to explain to them what happened and why it happened.

* * *

 

 

"A day ago you crazy fuckers came to my place and killed a bunch of my people. Now last time y'all did this I wasn't too happy or comfortable, thus causing this never ending tryst between us.. I would apologize again but it won't fucking matter. Now since I can't do shit how I used to the punishment in order here is you supplying for me again."

 

 

Rick could see how everyone was completely unhappy with the situation but they brought it on themselves. Which he felt terrible about thinking that way but it was true.

 

  
"I thought the whole reason Rick married you was to keep this bullshit deal off the table." Rosita growled and shoved off the attempts made to keep her quiet. "Or has that changed too? He was with us until you took him."

 

  
Negan clicked his tongue, "I take it not everyone knows or fails to understand that Rick here is fucking with me 'cause he wants to be."

 

  
The only person who wasn't reacting as much was Daryl which was to be expected. Every time there was chaos Daryl was the only one who was trusting Ricks decisions fully. He used to be able to say that about Michonne but she didn't look at things like he did anymore.

 

  
"Since everyone's got their panties in a fucking bunch instead of half you just give me whatever you find. Hows that sound?"

 

  
"Fine. Now leave." Michonne said.

 

  
"Alrighty lets head out!" Negan yelled to the Saviors that came along for his protection.

 

  
Michonne took Rick to the side before he could leave. "Is this really happening again? Without you here it's been harder on us to go on runs. People have been getting injured and Carls become more reckless."

 

  
"Yes 'cause you killed all those people, they had loved ones and I know that doesn't excuse what he's done but he's tryin." Rick explained. "Cooperation is the only way this works."

 

  
"We can't just sit around forever without any retribution and you of all people should know that. Look at you falling for all the things he says, the Rick I know wouldn't do that."

 

  
Rick just stood there staring at the woman he still loved with weary eyes. Whatever she felt towards Negan's actions were justified but what he didn't want to hear again was how he'd 'forced' him to stay. It made him Rick feel like he was easily manipulated or pushed even when it wasn't the case. He wasn't being swayed to stay married to the man and if he wanted to flat out leave he would. No one would force him to stay or go. And that was that.

 

  
"What he did to us that night was terrible but we can't hold onto that forever. I know how that sounds but the anger was killin' me... we can't change the past." Rick tried to reach for her hand but she backed away.

 

  
"Just go home with your... husband."

 

 

* * *

 

  
Back home Rick was laying in bed with Negan and they were partially naked already but his mind was somehow else. All of this was practically his fault, if he had just sucked it up they wouldn't be here. But he wouldn't be with Negan. He would still be with Michonne though, it was just confusing as shit.

 

  
"Hey Blue Eyes, are you fucking there or have you fallen asleep with your eyes open? I always thought that was creepy when people did that."

 

 

"I'm here I swear I am." Rick sighed. "I guess I'm just caught in my head right now."

 

  
Negan hated how easily it was for Rick to become so immersed in everyone else's problems and he wished he could take that away. But he guessed it was what made the blue eyed beauty who he was. And there was nothing wrong with him but if he was taking a look at himself then Negan could say he was the wrong one. For the longest time after Lucille he didn't think he was deserving of love because of who he was becoming. Who he eventually became as a result of her death and the world.

 

  
And now he'd found love again but it had to be the most complicated situation possible. They couldn't have been two strangers who stumbled upon each other, no, he killed two of his family members.

 

  
"Lemme take your mind somewhere else baby." Negan cooed. "Pretty please."

 

  
He started planting kisses at the nape of the younger man's neck, holding onto his sides and feeling the skin underneath his hand tremble. Goddamn he loved when he made Rick feel so on top of the world. When he felt him shake like he was causing a volcanic eruption.

 

  
Rick didn't say anything but just moaned.

 

  
"I hear a lot of moaning but no answer, ask and you shall receive."

 

  
"Please make me cum."

 

  
Negan didn't have to be told twice so he started to make his way down Rick's neck straight to his nipples, licking them and sucking hard, causing the younger man to squirm. His hands were firm against soft skin that smelled of his cologne because they had been pressed together earlier. How could someone be this beautiful? This enticing? It seemed more like he was in a dream all the time being allowed to touch an angel briefly. And somehow this angel wanted him just as bad, wanted to feel his touch. His lips were now at his stomach and he slowly took off the red boxers Rick was wearing. But the only thing that touched the beautiful dick before him was his hand.

 

  
His strokes were deliberately slow and intense just to drive the young man crazy. And he could tell he was doing the job since Rick was squirming. Negan began moving his fingers near the lovely hole he'd be fucking soon, he slipped one inside causing immediate reaction out of his husband. Then he started fingering him a bit more aggressively but not enough to make him cum that quickly. Once his fingers had done their job Negan took off his own boxers and stroked himself to tend to the throbbing. Soon they had switched positions and he was underneath Rick.

 

  
"We're gonna do things a little bit different tonight." Rick said in a sensual voice. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard."

 

  
Definitely a pleasant fucking surprise.

 

  
"Take the lead gorgeous."

 

  
Rick smiled and right away had his mouth on Negan''s throbbing dick. His tongue was doing crazy things he almost never did and it wasn't like the head he gave sucked, but this was new. Biting down on his bottom lip wasn't working anymore so he let out a loud guttural moan.

 

Negan just wanted to get pounded hard into their sheets maybe even a good choking to go along with it. And there was different ranges for the sex they'd have but tonight he wanted it rough. Sometimes if he knew it wouldn't fuck with the mood he'd lightly slap Rick. It was something that often got Rick going despite their history of face slapping. Both of them were moaning together sounding like a melodic song. 

 

  
"Goddamn you're beautiful, kiss me." Negan growled.

 

  
They were soon kissing each other hard without holding back like they sometimes did. Negan bit down on the younger mans plump lower lip. His objective was to show he was trying to draw blood just to get a certain reaction out of Rick. And it worked because soon he was being flipped onto his stomach. He felt his ass being grabbed hard and slapped lightly which was very new. Rick was rubbing the tip of his dick against Negan's entrance. But he wasn't putting it in. He was just teasing him so intensely.

 

  
"Okay I get it, you're teasing me.. but let's get to the good stuff." Negan lightly chuckled.

 

  
Rick slid inside causing a moan to escape both their lips but after one thrust he was pulling out. And he repeated that motion at least four times knowing it was unbearable.

 

 

  
"God ple-please fuck me." Negans whined and tried to push back onto his dick but was denied right away.

 

 

  
"Say it again."

 

  
Rick enjoyed it when he could get the older man to beg for him, after all the hell he'd been through in the past two days he wanted to be in control of something. This was the only thing he could control and take hold of however he wanted to. Usually he was the submissive one, the one who squirmed underneath, begged and pleaded for pleasure. Right now he was the one who made Negan beg for him.

 

  
"Please fuck me.. I need your dick inside me god damn."

 

  
"That's..." Rick thrusted hard. "Exactly... what... I... wanted... you... to say." He was growling now as he pounded hard into the nice loosened hole.

 

  
Negan moaned and didn't care how loud he was being either. Not that he ever really gave a fuck if anyone heard them having sex but he especially didn't right now. That was some of the perks of being the leader, no one questioned what you did on you down time. Any time someone had they were a bold ass mother fucker. You can really respect when someone tries to step to you despite how they will fail. But the only person who could match him entirely, make him scared and turned on all at the same time was Rick. He had this presence about him that commanded respect as well as fear which was hot as all fuck if anyone asked him. And tonight he was really fucking him how he wanted to be.

 

  
All that rough pounding was going to make him cum sooner than he wanted to.

 

  
"Keep fucking me hard baby, that's it fucking do it." Negan growled. "Or are you just not up to par tonight." Those words were guaranteed to rile Rick up.

 

  
Rick pulled out for not even a second then thrusted hard right back in and continued pumping his dick in then out. He sure as hell wouldn't be gentle after that comment. The sound of skin slapping, moaning and growling was the only thing either of them could hear.

 

  
Before he could cum he took it out and told Negan to suck him off because he wanted his cum to shoot down his throat.

 

  
Negan did so without saying anything, they both had their own techniques but he sucked dick all sloppy, spit all over the place and everything. He remembered the first time he sucked dick too and how he wasn't all that nervous about doing so. But any other dick that he had fucked, sucked or stroked never even came close to Rick fucking Grimes.

 

  
He hummed against the thick length inside his mouth that he was deep throating so much he gagged over it. Negan's tongue flicked against the head then traveled its way against the veins. And it didn't take that long until he felt warm cum shooting down his throat, that he happily swallowed like the dirty fucker he was.

 

Negan felt his own dick cumming not very long after and he had barely touched it.

 

  
They were both really out of breath but somehow started laughing loudly at the same time. Neither of them had even said anything remotely funny but it's like they were both thinking the same damn thing.

 

  
"Do you think we sometimes use sex to fucking not think about shit?" Negan asked while he reached for the cigarettes on his nightstand.

 

  
Rick laid back to actually think about it, "Yeah sometimes we do. "

 

  
"Your family isn't happy about the arrangement being back up again. I can't really blame them 'cause I sure as shit wouldn't wanna do it. But without any punishment it's just complete chaos. I hope you see that way, last thing I want is for this to cause fucking problems between us."

 

  
"As long as they're alive and somewhat happy I'm fine." Rick said.

 

  
"You never really talk about Judith." Negan was confused as to why he even brought this up in the first place.

 

  
Rick felt slightly melancholic hearing her name because he didn't see her as often but then warmth filled him as he thought about her. "What do you wanna know? You've met her."

 

  
"I know I have Blue Eyes but you only explained so much about how she came to be. Fuck if this is uncomfortable just tell me... It's a sensitive fucking topic."

 

  
"At this point I can talk about it without becoming over emotional...unless its just one of those days. As you already know my wife Lori when she was alive had a brief thing with my best friend Shane. I found out that she was pregnant when I saw morning after pills in our tent.. then we had a confrontation and things just weren't the same after. " Rick breathed then continued talking. "When I noticed her conversations with Shane I just knew they had slept together. The way he'd look at her longing or she'd look at him but it wouldn't last long, I think I always knew Judith wasn't mine... at least not biologically. But I've loved her just the same."

 

  
Negan was listening attentively to the story that he'd already but there was a rawness to it this time like Rick was cut open, exposed. They didn't always get moments like these where they could be vulnerable and not be afraid of doing so.

 

  
"Tell me the story of how you met Lucille again." Rick smiled trying to change the subject.

 

  
"You've heard it a thousand times by now."

 

  
"I know but I like it."

 

  
Negan grinned then playfully rolled his eyes, "Okay baby I'll tell you. We were at a party and for some reason she noticed me. Out of all the other people in the room she walked over to me. She was the most beautiful woman.. no... the most beautiful person in the entire room. When Lucille introduced herself I wanted to replay the moment 'cause her voice was so smooth but raspy. And we talked for hours even after the party was over we fucking talked about everything from our taste in music to just whatever the fuck. We exchanged numbers and the rest was history. God damn she was really somethin.."

 

  
Every single time Negan would tell a story about Lucille his voice would get so happy like he was being awarded 2 million dollars. It made him wonder how he was back then, like if they would have been close if he met him in the old world.

 

  
"You really loved her."

 

  
"I really fucking did."

 

  
They were both laying on their sides with the blankets draped over their naked bodies, Rick ran his fingers over the tattoos on Negans body.

 

  
"Secretly I always wanted a tattoo.. but I guess there's no that can happen now."

 

  
Negan had a mischievous grin on his face that said he knew something, "Well funny you say that since Arat has a girlfriend who is a tattoo artist. Been meaning to get a new tattoo.. how 'bout we get one together?"

 

  
"Wh-wh-what?"

 

  
"I mean if you're too chicken to do it." Negan started making chicken noises out of mockery.

 

  
"Fuck you." Rick laughed. "Fine I'll get a tattoo with you. How come I never knew this before?"

 

  
"You never fucking asked me. Plus we keep it on the hush hush since she would probably not have a line up of people outside her door. Let's do it right now, decide what you want and we'll get the same one."

 

  
Rick thought of something and was about to say what it was but refrained. It definitely showed on his face which made Negan press for the answer.

 

  
"I saw that look by the way, you ain't that sneaky cowboy. C'mon cough it up." Negan urged Rick who seemed hesitant.

 

  
"Christ it's corny as hell though."

 

  
"Probably not as corny as you think."

 

  
"Fine." Rick sighed and started to hide his face in embarrassment. "A heart tattoo with our initials in it."

 

  
"So you wanna get my name tattoo'd on you? Goddamn that's romantic, I'm honored."

                                                                           

  
Rick rolled his eyes, feeling so much regret for even suggesting that because not only would this be forever on his skin but if someone saw they'd be disgusted.

 

  
"Yes I do, dumb ass."

 

  
"Not to make you upset but what if Michonne sees the tat?" Negan asked with a genuine concern to his voice.

 

  
"What if she does.."

 

  
"Don't act like you don't give a fuck, that's my job."Negan never thought he'd say this without lingering jealousy. "You still love her so her opinion still fucking matters."

 

  
"This whole marriage is already repulsive to her so it won't make much of a difference. Before I don't think I woulda thought of this..but now I've gotten to the point where I don't wanna care how others perceive this. Even my own damn family. What does that make me?"

 

  
"It makes you human, Rick. I don't blame you if you still feel some fucking guilt about our relationship, everyone knows I barely deserve someone like you... fuck even I know that. But you're only human and should be treated as such not like some person who needs to be perfect all the god damn time.

 

  
He started to laugh at the older man's random spout of wisdom. "You surprise me sometimes."

 

  
Negan poked his tongue out from the corner of his mouth, "I surprise myself Blue Eyes."

 

  
Turns out they were going to get tattoo's right now because it was likely the tattoo artist named Lana said for Negan to come anytime. When they found her room he knocked on the door twice and they heard noises coming from inside. A small woman who had long black hair and tons of tat's covering her body opened the door. Before she saw Negan's face she was scowling.

 

  
"Oh hey Negan, um what's up?" She said before briefly glancing at Rick.

 

  
"Me and my husband here wanna get a tattoo together!" Negan exclaimed. "Sorry if I interrupted your time. I presume that Arat's inside?"

 

  
"Yes she is and she's quite embarrassed.. don't tell her I said that." Lana whispered with a smirk.

 

  
Negan pretended to zip his lips, "I wouldn't mess with Arat."

 

  
"We could go to a secluded area to do this but I would have to move my equipment.."

 

  
"No fucking way, I won't have you hauling all your shit. I'll let Arat get dressed and you just tell us through the door when you're ready. Sound good?"

 

  
Lana nodded then closed her door and started giggling at her girlfriend who was trying to be serious but failed.

 

  
"She seems nice." Rick said.

 

  
"Arat found a keeper, I guess I know what that's like."

 

  
They both exchanged looks of contentment before they heard Lana calling them through the door. Rick opened turned the knob and saw both women sitting on the bed, he nodded briefly to Arat who returned the gesture.

 

  
"Let's get started. By the way it's Ricks first tattoo."

 

  
"Oooh a newbie! This should be fun well first I should ask what your pain tolerance is Rick?"

 

  
"I can handle pain."

 

  
"That's what I like to hear. Alright tell me what you want done, if it's simple I can draw it up in the next several minutes but if it's detailed I will have to do it tomorrow." Lana replied.

 

  
Rick explained in short detail what they both wanted and since it was such a simply tattoo it was do able. And he was apparently going first so he braced himself.

 

  
"Where do you both want it? Negan since you're certainly not a blank canvas it might not be the same place as Rick." 

 

 

Rick looked at his heart tattoo that had been placed on his shoulder in the mirror. It was filled with red ink and the letter "N" in the middle. Meanwhile Negan got the same tattoo but with an "R" on his left wrist.

 

 

"Either you felt no pain or put on a brave ass face the whole time." Negan whispered against his neck before kissing it. "Thanks for doing these on such short notice Lana."

 

 

She began putting her equipment away with the help of Arat, "Don't mention it. Anytime either of you wants more done just ask me."

 

  
Rick smiled then closed the door behind them and they both started walking together seemingly back to their room. Until Negan turned into a different hallway. Soon they ended up outside the door of a different room and Rick quirked his eyebrow.

 

  
"Go on, open the door. It's a surprise for you Blue Eyes."

 

  
He turned the knob slowly then once the door was open Rick saw the surprise and grinned. It was a room full of guns separate from the regular gun room. This wasn't at all what he expected to find inside.

 

  
Negan walked in then held both his arms out in a dramatic fashion. "Instead of keeping you cooped up inside the fucking Sanctuary all the time, we're gonna go on weekly runs together."

 

  
"Really?"

 

  
"Really."

 

  
Not only did this mean a lot to Rick to finally get back in action but it was a relief because he wanted to be more than Negans husband around the Sanctuary. It was literally how everyone saw him, which either translated as a bad or good thing. But in most cases he knew some thought of his as lazy. He was far from lazy.

 

  
"These runs will be to different buildings around the area that we have yet to go to. I promise it won't be like last fucking time... that was a gong show." Negan grimaced for a second. "Sometimes I would like you to teach these young Saviors in training how to go on runs and how to shoot weapons. How do ya like that idea?"

 

 

A slow smile peaked on Ricks face, "It works for me. When do we get started?"

 

 

"Tomorrow. But tonight we need to get some fucking shut eye." Negan yawned.

 

 

"Yes we do."

 

 

* * *

 

"Alright the boss just left with his hubby on a run and apparently won't be back til later so we got time to kill those mother fuckers in that Alexanda community."

 

  
A man named Keith held his hand and waited to be called upon. "Actually Larry it's um Alexandria... the community's name is Alexandria."

 

  
"Shut the fuck up Keith!" The group of people growled at him.

 

  
"Regardless we got them right where we want, we'll keep a few of them alive for our own pleasure." Larry let out a crude laugh and got his crew to load up the trucks.

 

 

  
After being told they would have to supply for Negan once again Sasha was feeling on the edge. They were more than capable of going on runs but lately people had been getting injured. She had to be actively on watch duty because no one else could nail their target like her.

 

  
Her eyes kept scanning the area like they usually did but nothing was happening. The only people that ever came to the gates were their own people, the Saviors or sometimes random walkers. Forever ago were the days where people like the Wolves were even a threat. Sasha wanted to feel like she had purpose and mentioning this to anyone would almost certainly cause confusion. They would tell her she was valuable, that she was important to them which was all true. But sometimes Sasha wondered what the point was anymore if nothing changed. What if they were stuck working for the Saviors forever, living with freedom and losing themselves in a cycle of obedience.

 

  
Ever since that night they'd lost Abraham and Glenn she'd been living like a ghost, appearing and disappearing when she needed to. Whether it meant physically or mentally. Trying to cope with the nightmares or reoccurring dreams got tough some nights. She would talk to Maggie about them but bringing up any reminders of what happened wasn't wise. While everyone had moved past it for acceptance purposes and survival, it was still a continually fresh wound that would need bandaging.

 

Sasha stood there with her automatic pacing back and forth near the gate until she heard a rumble like a vehicle was approaching. She wondered if it was Maggie and Rosita who had come back from their run already. That was until she saw it was the Saviors who weren't supposed to be coming by for a few days.

 

  
This didn't look good at all.

 

  
Not only was it the Saviors but the leader himself wasn't even among the group of men that were in the vehicle, from what she could see. Usually he was front and certain like the dramatic asshole he was. And yet somehow she was sensing this wasn't a trip ordered by Negan or even that Simon guy.

 

  
Two men stepped out of the supply van and slammed their doors. She was wary of the way they were trying to approach the gate, her weapon was very much visible and if she wanted she could take them both out right now.

 

  
"Hi.. um who are you?" Sasha asked.

 

  
"We're apart of the Saviors.. we -"

 

  
"I know what group you're apart of but who are you? "

 

  
Larry walked closer towards the gate, "Listen Negan ordered us to come by and check on things.. so let us in."

 

  
"The only people I'm forced to let inside are Negan and his right hand so until I hear from one of them.. consider yourselves standing outside."

 

  
"Are you hard of hearing bitch! I said let us in! Or we'll take advantage of you before we kill you. There's plenty of people in my group who'd love a piece of ass like you."

 

  
Sasha's facial expression went from her not giving a fuck to feeling extremely pissed off. Not only were these people threatening to rape her, but they were trying to force her to let them in. It didn't sit right and she wasn't about to endanger the lives of everyone in the community.

 

  
Right when she was about to respond both Maggie and Rosita rolled up in the car they took on the run. Before Sasha could warn them she saw them get grabbed despite them being able to the fight whoever grabbed them off, they soon had a gun pointed at them.

 

  
"We're gonna take you little gal pals back with us. Maybe we'll find some use for em. If you want them back you might have to come get them whore."

 

  
The Saviors got inside their supply truck with Rosita and Maggie as hostages, she tried to open the gate to run outside and shoot them but was too late. She shot at the vehicle and it hit someone but they drove off quickly.

 

  
Sasha felt tears coming but she had no time to freak the hell out because they were definitely going to war now.


	14. Avalanche

 "So far we've found absolutely fucking nothing worth while, other than a few medical supplies." Negan tossed the bag into the back of the vehicle.

 

 

Rick rubbed his shoulder for comfort purposes, "Sometimes this happens."

 

 

"Of course I know that shit. I've done this too you know."

 

 

"Don't need to snap at me." Rick removed his hand and started up the car.

 

 

  
"I wasn't trying to be an asshole, I'm sorry."

 

 

"After awhile sayin' sorry becomes meaningless if you keep repeating patterns." Rick mumbled.

 

 

"Oh I'm sorry Dr. Phil, didn't fucking realize this was a therapy session."

 

 

Rick stopped driving in the direction they were meant to head in and went the opposite way. This was enough they clearly weren't in the right head space to be on a run right now. It was getting later in the day and he didn't want to spend the whole night arguing about this.

 

 

"Um you do realize you're driving the wrong way, right?" Negan's eye brow shot up in a peculiar fashion.

 

 

"Yeah, I do. But right now I don't wanna be stuck in a car with you so we're goin back home. Another day would be better 'cause I just can't do this."

 

 

"Can't do what? Tolerate me? Well news flash we're stuck together whether you like it or not." Negan huffed.

 

 

"Remember when I said that I don't want a divorce, well you're making me rethink my options." Rick glared his way. "I'm actually serious right now, look at us.. we just fight, fuck and whatever."

 

 

Negan was in a state of panic all of a sudden and had to fix this right away before it escalated. "Okay I'll do better, I promise I will."

 

 

"Good, otherwise I mean it when I say I'll leave or take a break from you for a while at least."

 

 

Rick kept driving as fast as he could so they would make it back at a decent time, if there was anything he hated it was driving when its pitch black out.

 

* * *

 

 

"Let me go you fucking asshole." Rosita struggled and got out of the man's grip before a gun was pointed at her head.

 

 

  
"I'll shoot you and this bitch here if you don't cooperate! We want your people to come here and get ya back 'cause we plan to slaughter the whole lot of em. They killed people we loved and retribution is in order.. the boss is so far up that pretty boy's ass he can't see left from right anymore."

 

 

"Don't you touch her!" Maggie snapped.

 

 

"Take em to their cell boys, no use splitting them up we got em exactly where we need them." Larry smirked.

 

 

They were being literally dragged into the confined space together, kicking and swinging. Maggie was capable of fighting some measly loser off but if they did any major damage, that would be it. She was tossed onto the floor with Rosita and the door was locked behind them.

 

 

"Damnit!" Rosita yelled and began rambling in Spanish.

 

 

"Hey." Maggie shook her shoulders. "We need to figure out a plan, one where we both live 'cause I can't lose you or anyone else."

 

 

"We're stuck in here, this shit hole and I swear if Rick knows what's happening to us right now..."

 

 

"He doesn't, his decisions may be terrible as of late but he would never directly harm us. And you know that, he's family." Maggie reminded her.

 

 

"I'm just hurt. We trusted Rick, we always trust him and look where it's got us." Rosita held her arms out. "What if we die in here, what if everyone dies today?"

 

 

"They won't! Sasha knows we're here and they're gonna come get us whether it's by force or otherwise."

 

 

  
"Once I get out I'm gonna kill that guy."

 

 

* * *

 

  
"You guys! Daryl! Michonne! We have a situation it's really bad." Sasha was trying to catch her breath after running all the way back into town.

 

 

"What's wrong? Why are you out of breath?" Michonne looked at her concerned.

 

 

"They took them." Sasha breathed out.

 

 

"Took who?"

 

 

"Some of the Saviors came by and they wanted to come in but Negan and Rick weren't with them.. I didn't let them in 'cause it seemed suspicious. Then when Maggie and Rosita got back from their supply run they got taken as hostages." Sasha felt so defeated knowing that she could have stopped it.

 

 

"We're getting them now, Daryl I don't care how many people come with us we're ending this shit. And if Rick knew about this then.. " Michonne didn't finish her sentence before storming back to her house.

 

 

She walked through her front door and left it open because they'd be leaving quickly. Michonne wasn't going to prevent Carl from coming so she'd just explain the situation to him.

 

 

"Sweetheart we have to go. Bring Judith to Gabriel and tell him if we don't come back in a couple hours that he needs to head over to 'the spot' "

 

 

Carl's eye widened, "What's happening? Is dad okay? Did Negan hurt him?"

 

 

"No, but some of the Saviors took Rosita and Maggie. They seem to be baiting us so we need to go finish this, you can't come if you don't feel ready. I don't want anything to happen to you." Michonne said.

 

 

"I'm ready, I'll do whatever it takes. They're family and that's what we do for family." He responded sternly and grabbed his gun.

 

 

"Good, let's go now. Tell Enid she has to stay here and then meet me at the RV."

 

 

"Okay I will."

 

* * *

 

 

 

Negan hated sitting in uncomfortable silences especially with Rick. As fucking stupid as it sounded he would almost prefer fighting right now, at least that way it wouldn't be awkward as shit. Doing damage control was crucial right now because Rick sounded serious when he said he'd leave.

 

 

"Stop the car." Negan said.

 

 

Rick looked over to him with a strange look on his face, "What? Why?"

 

 

"Just do it for me."

 

 

"Alright."

 

  
He slowed the car down and parked it off on the side of the road, Rick looked behind and didn't see any herd of walkers coming. He always made sure to check to see even when in a car. From his experience being trapped in a vehicle sucked just as much as anything else.

 

 

"Why did you want me to stop the car?"

 

 

Negan tried to hold his hand but he jerked it away, "Why are you so fucking mad at me anyways?"

 

 

Rick almost planted his face on the steering wheel. "I'm mad 'cause you keep goin' back to the same shit behavior, we go in circles. Just when I think you can change, you just... don't."

 

 

"You've known who I am for a long time now, Rick. Stop this victim bullshit like I've held you hostage and your people need to stop treating it like that too."

 

 

"Seriously?" Rick said angrily. "How is it that you seem to forget why they hate you in the first place? Why I hated you in the first place."

 

 

"We still on that shit? It happened how long ago now? I've said I'm fucking sorry for killing them but you did kill over 20 of my mine, who had loved ones who sobbed when I told them the news. All of you act like you're the good guys have you ever considered the fact that doesn't fucking exist anymore?"

 

 

Rick knew he wasn't a good person anymore, he did things and justified them afterwards but he was always doing it for family. In Negans case he saw those men as soldiers and not people he actually thought of as family. Maybe he cared about them on some level but he didn't have to watch it happen either. And the problem here was they always came back to this conversation.

 

"My feelings for you shouldn't cloud my judgement, I used to be a sheriff's deputy and people did stupid shit for the people they cared about. From taking the fall for someone or lyin' for them. And I always make excuses for you to them when I shouldn't." Rick looked out the window and saw a walker in the distance.

 

  
"So you're telling me you hate me again or some shit? Or want to?"

 

  
"Neither but we can't keep going on like this. It ain't healthy or good for either of us." Rick breathed.

 

 

Negan loved whenever the younger man got all angry because it brought out a side of him that was pretty enjoyable. For the most part. He sneaked his hand onto Ricks thigh and made it noticeable that it was there. And the vehicle got silent again as he moved his fingers towards the front of Ricks pants.

 

 

"Ever have sex in a car?" His voice was extremely husky and low.

 

 

Rick shook his head slowly, "No, can't say I have. But we really need to get goin' so we don't arrive home too late."

 

 

"Or we could fuck in this car, let out a little aggression." Negan moved in closer after unbuckling his seat belt. "Let's say I let you take the reigns for once."

 

 

 

This was clearly going in the direction that Negan wanted it to and he wasn't opposed to that whatsoever. He pulled the younger man towards him, they were kissing hard. And soon Rick was pulling him into his own lap, they were grinding into each other.

 

 

Negan left out a harsh moan then proceeded to take off the younger mans shirt. "This might not work what with me bashing my head into the roof."

 

  
"We'll figure it out, now take my pants off." Rick adjusted the seat so he could lean back in and watch Negans every move.

 

 

"Look who the asshole is now."

 

 

"I must learn from the best." Rick chuckled.

 

 

They went at it for a bit from Negan stripping them both down, making out some more then it got to the best part of it all. Negan was sucking his dick so good, flicking his tongue in all the right places and making him moan so loud the sounds could shatter the windows. Rick wanted to be deep inside the older man, make his eyes roll to the back of his head.

 

  
He pulled Negan's dark hair up, instructed him to turn around and bend over as much as possible. Which he complied straight away.

 

  
"Oooh are you gonna fuck my ass baby. I bet you can't make me scream your name." Negan challenged. "If you do I'll give you a nice fucking foot massage"

 

 

Rick smiled darkly, "Testing me ain't smart 'cause I'm crazier than you think."

 

 

"Oh don't I fucking know it, I remember how you killed my men in their sleeps, you're a certified bad ass."

 

  
"Do you ever..." Rick didn't bother lubing him up and pushed inside feeling the older man tremble. "...Shut the fuck up?"

 

  
He started to thrust roughly inside Negan without holding back, his hands felt perfect against his hips while he continued to fuck him hard. The sound of both of them moaning alongside their skin slapping together was making him want to explode right then. Rick wasn't going to use this to fix their issues and it wouldn't anyways but he needed them to be somewhere else. Even if it meant just them being in a different place mentally.

 

 

Negan was definitely moaning loud for him but he had yet to make him scream his name. And since Rick was really determined to do that he kept going at a rapid pace, he was holding onto the older mans hips so hard his skin could bruise.

 

 

"Oh god Rick!" Negan kept moaning his name repetitively before he realized that he lost the bet.

 

 

Rick leaned his shoulder as far as he could to whisper, "I won."

 

* * *

 

 Michonne had gathered up a fair amount of people to head over to the Sanctuary. She didn't care what they had to do but they were getting Maggie and Sasha back today. They were soon driving up towards the factory and stopped nearby to keep the RV in safe distance.

 

  
"Alright, remember the plan. I know it's just us here so we don't have as many people as we could." Michonne whispered. "Make sure you're in position Sasha, kill everyone whose outside that could stop us."

 

  
"Oh I got no problem doing that." Sasha responded and held onto her gun.

 

  
Daryl made sure his cross brow had enough arrows and nodded for them to get going. This would be a complete shit show if anything and they were prepared to do whatever it takes. Even if that meant Rick being angry at them because it wasn't like he was around much anymore.

 

  
"Okay, Sasha go to the spot we talked about, when you get clear shots, do it."

 

 

They pulled up outside of the Sanctuary and couldn't believe their eyes, the whole place looked off, like someone had been caused complete mayhem. And there were only a few people that Rick knew would do this.

 

 

 

Rick began running through what used to be a closed gate and saw smoke clouding the since. He covered his mouth and walked forward only to slip on something. With a loud thud he landed face forwards in a pool of something that he discovered was blood. It was a big enough pile that meant whoever bled out was long dead.

 

 

Sherry came out of nowhere looking as pale as a ghost, running into him. "Oh my god, where were you both?"

 

 

"We went on a run together, what the hell happened here?" Rick asked urgently.

 

 

"Your people they were here 'cause some of Negan's idiots took two of their own, your own. They were trying to kill them but it worked in reverse." She said while shaking.

 

 

"So my people killed how many?"

 

 

Sherry shrugged, "There's a lot of bodies scattered around, people who aren't Saviors fled to their rooms or packed up and left the building. Some say they won't be coming back ever."

 

 

"Who did they take? Did you get names?" Rick was extremely worried now.

 

 

"Apparently the people his men took were named Maggie and Rosita."

 

 

Rick thanked Sherry for the information and told her to go find Dwight to make sure he was okay. He then proceeded to make his way outside again. It was time he had an actual discussion about where the hell this was all headed because this was just chaos. He understood the reasoning behind what they did and he would have done worse in their position. But causing more mayhem when everyone was already in a tight situation wasn't going to solve any problems. And if Rick wasn't here to convince Negan otherwise then a war definitely would happen.

 

 

A war they couldn't win.

 

 

  
He was walking back towards the vehicle they came back in so he could leave to Alexandria to talk to everyone. Just as Rick was about to leave by himself he saw Negans hand slam the door shut.

 

 

"You really think I'm gonna let you go back there alone?" Negan said.

 

 

Rick pushed his hand out of the way angrily, "I need to go talk to them and I can't do it with you there."

 

 

"That's bullshit. You just need to get away from me that badly huh?" Negan scoffed, his eyes looking elsewhere.

 

 

"I think we need some time apart, to figure things out. And I need to go back home and make sure everyone is okay. You can't possibly understand my position here. I shouldn't expect you to."

 

  
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You know what, just go right back to fucking Alexandria for however long you need to."

 

  
Rick didn't bother responding and got inside the car, his hands were holding extremely tight to the steering wheel. Before he started the car up he turned to see if Negan was there, but he had already left to go back into the Sanctuary. He was clearly needing to do damage control and also get away from him.

 

"Fuck." Rick said to himself before he drove off.


	15. And I'm Speechless

Going back home was the only remedy to Rick's frustration right now. While the Sanctuary was his home too he couldn't be at peace there especially not with Negan around. They needed to be apart in order to figure out what the fuck this was becoming. Rick hated this going back and forth trying to figure out whether or not the marriage should go on. He wanted Negan all the time, craved his so badly it hurt and that was the problem. When you need someone that badly you start to become dependent on them. And in this world depending on people too much can get you killed. It's a wonder that anyone who does that has survived this long.

 

 

He arrived outside of the Alexandria gates and saw Sasha was guarding the gate with a machine gun. Go figure. She was the best shot out of all them.

 

 

"Are you alone? I can't let you in right now if not." Sasha said.

 

 

Rick nodded slowly, "Yes. It's just me."

 

 

She opened the gates for him and Rick got out of the vehicle to walk in. His heart was pounding so hard that it almost burst through his chest. Being this nervous was stupid. Nothing bad was going to happen.

 

 

Rick thought Sasha was going to walk with him and talk about their current situation but she didn't. Instead she closed the gates and stood by them once again, avoiding eye contact. He took the hint and headed into community with a not so confident stride. If he was asked then the opinions of the original Alexandrians didn't matter, they weren't his family, they were apart of the community but he would always put his family first.  Even if they were pissed at him for continuing to be with Negan.

 

 

Just like he expected no one gave him a warm welcome outside of Judith who clung to his arm. She didn't see him as a stranger or an enemy. He got everyone to go to the church so they could discuss what was happening right now. Even Gabriel was invited to the meeting and that was saying something.

 

 

Rick stood in the spot he always did and stared at a lot of unhappy faces. "We need to talk bout what happened at the Sanctuary."

 

 

"Those assholes took me and Maggie, what more is there to discuss?" Rosita sneered.

 

 

"We should let Rick talk, hear him out, instead of coming at him.. aggressively." Gabriel said calmly.

 

 

Michonnes face remained passive, "Sure we'll let him talk."

 

 

Looking at Michonne who stared at him like he didn't know a damn thing anymore was off putting, she used to be in his corner but I guess he used to be a lot of things too. Rick tried to explain to the group that he would be staying there for the next few weeks at least, that he needed time away. And no one was going to stop him clearly but there were a few scoffs in the crowd from unsuspecting people. Out of the everyone he never thought Daryl would be pulling away from him. Sure enough he was.

 

 

"That's really all I had to say." Rick finished and stepped off the stage. He left the church in a hurry to avoid forceful conversations with anyone.

 

 

As he headed over to the house Carl caught up with him.  "Why are you actually here?"

 

 

"What?"

 

 

Carl squinted his eye, "Why are you staying with us again all of a sudden? Have a fight with your husband?"

 

 

"You know that ain't fair Carl, I've done the best I can with this situation and you know that." Rick touched Carl's shoulder only to have it shrugged away.

 

 

"No you've just up and left me, left Michonne, left Judy, left our family. Sorry dad but it's bullshit."

 

 

"Hey -"  Rick tried to say as sternly as possible.

 

 

"I think you need to hear this. This isn't your home anymore, you only come here every so often and mom has cried at night.. she's - " Carl paused. "But you don't care! Just admit it dad, you obviously love that asshole.. why else wouldn't you leave him by now. The only thing he takes from us now is bullets and that's only sometimes."

 

 

Rick was stunned by this whole conversation only because Carl rarely if ever got this angry with him, unless he was pushed to that point. Sure he was moody but the world didn't help that and he was still a teenager having to be an adult all the time. What was supposed to be a time of figuring out himself turned into an absolute disaster so quickly.

 

 

"I don't - I don't.."

 

 

"Whatever dad, you keep telling yourself that. I'm going to see Enid." Carl turned on his heel and walked off.

 

 

Later that evening Rick laid on the couch by himself with a book but he was barely focused on it. All he could think about was how Michonne was laying upstairs in the bed he used to share with her. He wasn't going to get her back that way ever again, it was truly over. Tears took over and Rick didn't bother stopping them.

 

* * *

 

 

"What the fucking fuck!?" Negan screamed. "Why has no one organized this goddamn shit?"

 

 

Arat stood there calmly like she wasn't even nervous in his presence. "Sir, after all the chaos people got lazy. I'll make sure to find out who was responsible for organizing the pantry this week, this won't happen again."

 

 

"Did you know you're a fucking angel Arat?" Negan smiled.

 

 

"No sir."

 

 

"Well you are. You know what go find your lady and pick a bottle of wine from storage, anything you fucking want. Even one of the most expensive bottles."

 

 

Arat looked at him surprised, "Okay sir. Thank you."  She walked away quicker than she usually did.

 

 

The past day or so had been hard as fuck without Rick around and knowing that he literally needed to be away from him was worse. Had he been too much of an asshole lately? Not that he was never a fucking asshole any other time but he really pushed it this time. Negan wasn't the greatest at relationships not even with Lucille, she had deserved so much better than him and that was a damn fact. All he wanted to do was drive over to Alexandria and get his husband back yet he wasn't going to do that. One thing he wanted to admit to Rick was how he didn't actually get a blow job from that blonde. Negan lied to make Rick feel like shit, the most that happened was him making out with her until the guilt kicked him hard in the nuts.

 

 

Simon was suddenly next to him with a clipboard, "We probably should assign regular people to organize that disaster in the pantry, otherwise it's just unreliable."

 

 

"Agreed, I know Arat said she'd get on that but could you do it? She works too fucking hard."

 

 

"Yeah I can get on that, today?"

 

 

Negan nodded then swung Lucille over his shoulder.  "Sure."

 

* * *

 

 

_When Negan fell asleep that night he ended up having a dream that Lucille visited him in. They were laying out in the grass together, the sun was bright and she looked over at him with a smile._

_"You know he needs this time, right?" Lucille said._

_His brows knitted together in frustration even though it was the truth, "Yeah."_

_"But still you're mad at him for needing time that you caused him to need in the first place. There's no method to this madness baby, you go around and around in circles. Rick wants better than that and frankly he deserves better."_

_"Whose fucking side are you on anyways Luci?" Negan laughed._

_"No one's side sugar, just making observation is all. You love him and how he's a better version of you. And believe me he's as good as it fucking gets for you in this world. Don't act like those 'wives' you had were anything to brag about.. they were merely a distraction. And they used you, rightfully so."_

_The words were resonating inside of him and Negan was starting to understand who the fuck he needed to be in this marriage. Especially if he wanted Rick to stick around because he wouldn't blame him if he left. Being with someone who makes you miserable just as much as they make you happy is taxing; it kills you. He needed to be the person that Rick trusted, not the person who he hated forever. What was done in the past had to eventually be put to rest, they weren't the same people anymore. It wasn't cut and dry._

  
_Negan grazed his finger tips on Lucille's hand, "Whatever he needs I'll give it to him."_

_"Good 'cause I can promise you if you don't.. you'll lose him."_

 

* * *

 

 

Days had passed since Rick took his break from the Sanctuary, he barely spoke to anyone, barely even did much other than sit by himself or talk to Gabriel. Having the whole community practically exile you in a sense was uncomfortable. Especially since he was the one who made surviving possible for the people of Alexandria. Without him they would have all died once the herd came through.

 

 

Rick was walking alone down the street back to his house and noticed there was a crowd of people standing in his way. It was only people who he barely spoke to personally. He tried to walk by until one person stepped forward and it was Tobin out of all people.

 

 

"We're all a little bit concerned about your reasoning for coming back." He said.

 

 

"Excuse me?"

 

 

A red haired woman whose name escaped him started talking, "Is Negan done taking from this community?"

 

 

Rick furrowed his brows, "I thought this was already cleared up?"

 

 

"It was but Rick we don't believe that he's changed. He killed Spencer with a knife, he gutted him in the middle of the street." Tobin was beginning to raise his voice.

 

 

"Alright there's no need to get angry. Spencer was gunnin' for me.. he wanted me dead."

 

 

"So you don't care that he's dead?" The woman blinked.

 

 

Rick drew a deep breath, "No actually I don't."

 

 

That erupted a huge discussion about questioning who Rick was now and that he wasn't the leader anymore. Which was true and he had no desire to argue. it was quite simple actually, Michonne lead them now. She was in charge and he was proud of her for that. For stepping up even more than she already did. And these people weren't going to follow his lead, not anymore.

 

  
Rick tried to pass by again but a hand rested against his chest. "I'd advise against that."

 

  
"It might be best that you leave unless you figure out whose side you're on." Tobin said.

 

 

Agitation was building up and Rick had enough. Enough of the accusations. Enough of him being treated like a pariah. What more do these people want ? For him to shoot Negan in the head for killing Spencer? Of all people.

 

  
"I'm goin' to need you to step aside." Rick said through clenched teeth.

 

  
"I don't think -"

 

  
Rick pulled his Colt Python out and pointed it, "Now.."

 

 

It's like they were super glued to the street and couldn't move even though they had to; needed to.

 

  
"You people don't seem to get it, even when I explained it time and time again. If I wasn't here you'd be dead! All of you. Without my people once that herd came through you'd be out there or dead in here. I coulda killed everyone in here, taken this place without even flinching. But I didn't, I gave this place a chance. Don't make me regret that."

 

  
Just like that Tobin stepped to the left and Rick stormed over to his house. He was fuming with anger, the type of rage that couldn't be tamed. After constantly being accused of betraying them and the glares and the constant questioning. It was time to put all that to rest.

 

 

Rick went upstairs to talk to Michonne to see if she would listen to what he had to say or just ignore him. Either way he needed to try and see for himself. The door was slightly open to her room so he creaked it open.

 

  
"Hey, can we talk?"

 

  
"I guess." Michonne murmured.

 

  
"Do you think I'm- I mean Tobin and a few other people questioned my loyalties... they told me to leave. " Rick leaned his back against his old bedroom wall.

 

  
"What?" Michonne asked surprised.

 

 

There was no way she knew.

 

 

"Yeah. I sorta threatened them. " Rick chuckled in a soft manner. "Remember when I did that the first time?"

 

  
"I do."

 

  
"And you were there to stop me. To save me... from myself."

 

  
Michonne's brown eyes bore into him with a certain softness that he hadn't gotten from her in what felt like ages. When in reality the last time she looked at him like this wasn't too long ago. “I’ll have to talk to Tobin. He can’t talk to you that way and he’s got no authority. You’re allowed to come by whenever you want, you’ve still got a place here.”

 

  
Rick didn’t bear any shock from her words because this was who she was. Bold. Strong. Beautiful. And that’s what Michonne would always be to him. Whether they were together or not. He stepped forward so they could be closer together. Not too close that it was getting sensual but close enough.

 

  
“Thank you.” Rick whispered.

 

 

“I’m still with you.. even if you’re with him.” Michonne croaked.

 

  
She melted into Rick's arms with ease and he stroked her back, it felt like they were back together again. Even for a moment. Her smell was intoxicating and before Rick could get caught up in the moment he released from the hug.

 

  
“Do you love him, Rick? This is a rhetorical by the way.” Michonne touched his cheek. “You know how much I can’t stand him.. what he did to us. What he took from us. But if someone like you can see good in someone like Negan, then that has to count for something right?”

 

  
Rick sighed deeply, “I ain’t a good person, you know that.”

 

  
“No, Rick. Everything you’ve ever done has been for us, for the people you love. If none of us had found each other, if you had ended up alone you’d be worse. We are the ones who live. And there’s a reason for that.”

 

* * *

  
Waking up another morning alone had been a shit way to start the day. Negan wanted to wake up and see Rick sleeping soundly. Instead he opened his eyes to find an empty spot on the bed. Lately he’d been drinking in the mornings, just one drink to get him ready for the day. Today Negan planned to take the day off and not do anything. Simon was more than capable of handling the duties for today.

 

 

Negan rolled around in bed for what felt like hours, no one bothered him and the only people who came in were Simon and Joseph. It gave him plenty of time to mull over his current predicament with Rick. Which he decided that he'd fight for whatever he had with Rick. And that meant bringing him back home despite his pleads for needing time. He forced himself up to go take a shower so he could head over to Alexandria. The hot water trickled down his skin and Negan kept thinking about all the times he'd showered with Rick. How at peace he felt to brush his hands through wet curls. Feeling so much for someone that's supposed to be your enemy is.. interesting. For Negan at least.

 

 

After his shower he informed Simon where he'd be going and to come looking for him if too much time passed. Ever since he killed someone so carelessly in front of everyone people were flinching a lot more around him. His people had always been scared of him but not to this degree. They respected Negan for the most part but this was different. And being that leader who no one wants to be around is shitty as fuck.

 

 

Driving to Alexandria he kept thinking about what he'd say to the younger man. Pouring his heart out had never been his strong suit, yet here he was planning what to say.

 

 

Was it pathetic for him to want to confess how he felt completely? That he loved Rick, as in love love. It made Negan feel like a fucking teenager and he never cared about any of people he'd hooked up with in highschool. He drove for over an hour then arrived close to the community, his nerves started to kick in which made Negan want to turn around and go home. But he didn't. Instead he parked really close to the gate but didn't get out of the car just yet. No one was standing guard right then so he had time to do that.

 

 

Everything was bubbling to the surface from the first time he met Rick to all the little moments up until now.

 

  
Negan gathered up every ounce of courage he had to do this shit and swung the car door open. Bringing Lucille would have been a stupid idea so he left her in his room. And hopefully whoever was on guard today had some compassion on him. He strode up towards the gate and was whistling before knocking against it.

 

 

"Hello? Anyone gonna let me in? I don't plan to burn this fucking place down." Negan had his hands in his pockets.

 

 

There was rustling on the other side like someone was scrambling to check who was outside. I mean who the fuck didn't know his voice by now?

 

 

Sasha was looking at him now with a glare, "Why the hell are you here?"

 

 

"Here to see my husband in fact."

 

 

  
"If I told you he wasn't here, would you believe me?" Sasha smirked.

 

 

"Just let me in, I've always been pretty nice to you given the circumstances. And trust me those guys are paying for that shit they pulled. I took care of em myself."

 

 

  
"Good." Sasha deadpanned. "Fine, I'll let you in.. but if anyone tries to kill you that's not on me."

 

 

Negan didn't say anything else when she opened the gate for him and he strolled in like he owned the place. Which at one point he did own it.

 

 

Those days were over unless something drastic were to happen then he'd likely destroy this place before taking from it again. And the only drastic thing he could come up with at the moment was losing Rick. Sure, it was irrational and destructive as fuck but that was just who he fucking was. And the younger man knew that wholeheartedly. Negan waved at all the people he passed who had wide eyes that he was there in the first place. Clearly no one wanted him to be visiting now (or ever) but he didn't fucking care because he was here to see Rick. And the most they'd do is tell him to get out which he would as soon as he got to talk to his husband. 

 

 

  
He entered Michonne's house without knocking and looked around the corner but no one was home.

 

 

"Hello?" Negan called out.

 

 

Carl came out of nowhere holding his gun, "What the hell are you doing here?"

 

 

"Jeeeeeesus everyone around here is really fucking rude. I know I'm a god damn asshole and ruined your lives and all that jazz. But still, some decency is in order."

 

 

"Are you here to see my dad?"

 

 

"Yes." Negan said.

 

 

"He's in the bathroom, so wait down here." Carl grumbled before exiting the room.

 

 

Ten minutes went by until he finally saw Rick who was surprised but not angry that he way there right now.

 

  
"Um, why are you here? I said I needed time." Rick said shyly.

 

 

"I know you said that Blue Eyes but I just can't sit at home anymore. This is probably disrespecting your wishes.. can you just please just hear me out?"

 

  
"Go ahead." Rick needed to hear something worthwhile right now otherwise he wouldn't be going back to the Sanctuary just yet. His time at Alexandria had made him miss being there but seeing Negan right now was causing him to shiver.

 

 

"Well." Negan coughed. "I can't sleep properly without there you there and I know I sound fucking pathetic or dependent on your presence but I need you, Rick. All this time I've taken it for granted which I'm sorry for doing that you."

 

 

"I know you're sorry but Negan - " Rick lost his breath once the older man stepped towards him taking his hands.

 

  
"Let me finish, please? If you don't want to be married to me anymore, if life here is what you want I'll let you have that. And the reason being is because I love you.. I fucking love you. We shouldn't be anything to each other but we are, so question is do you wanna come back with me right now?"

 

 

Rick could feel himself floating in the air like someone placed him on top of a cloud. And for once he was completely speechless, no words were forming and he wasn't ready to say anything like that.

 

 

"You don't need to say that shit back to me." Negan assured.

 

  
"Okay. I'll come back with you, today."

 

 

Negan leaned in to kiss the younger man's forehead and brushed a sweaty curl away, "Okay."


	16. Reasons

_"I don't think Rick loves me." Negan breathed out._

  
_Lucille frowned at him directly and pushed against his shoulder, "Why do you say that shit all the time? You mean to tell me that I find my way into your dreams only for you to say that?"_

  
_"Because Luci it's the fucking truth, he can't even say he feels the same and this isn't supposed to be me."_

  
_"Why the fuck not?"_

  
_"I'm the god damn leader around here.. I don't have time to wonder if a hot ass ex sheriff loves me." Negan groaned._

_Lucille gave him an unamused look,"An ex sheriff who happens to be powerful himself and also happens to be your husband, dumb ass."_

_That was true that Rick was still his husband but them being together was always just an agreement until feelings developed. He didn't want to be just a means to a fucking end. And picturing a life with someone that may not want the same felt so.. disastrous. You want the person you love to love you back, to feel the same shit for you and on the same level, but it doesn't always work that way. Negan had been through his fair share of heart ache with Lucille dying but going through loss again would fuck him up worse._

  
_"I know he's my husband but maybe he can't find a way to leave me.. goddamn this is pathetic."_

 

 

_"If he wanted to leave you he would probably do it. He seems like that type of person don't you think?" Lucille quirked her eyebrow._

 

 

_"I don't know anymore, I just fucking don't."_

 

 

_"Okay, I don't think I'm gonna get to you right now so go back."_

_"What? No fucking way we're not done talking." Negan said half seriously._

 

 

And then there he was waking up next to Rick who wasn't sleep but laying there staring up at the ceiling. Negan could see the worried look on the other man's face, his eyebrows were furrowed and his lips looked more pouty than normal. What was on his mind? Was it about him? He snapped his fingers at Rick to get his attention.

 

 

"Oh shit sorry, good mornin." Rick smiled weakly.

 

 

"Hey Blue Eyes."

 

 

Rick stayed on his side of the bed but reached his hand out, "What do we have planned for today?"

 

 

"Well I was thinking you could be assigned as head of organizing the pantry, what goes in, where it goes and so on." Negan said.

 

  
"I'm fine with that but I had somethin' I wanted to discuss with you."

 

 

Usually Negan would just wait until later to get into things with him but right now he wasn't in the mood to do that. If it was him needing space again he'd just let him go.

 

 

"What is it?" Negan asked through clenched teeth.

 

 

  
Rick had a nervous look on his face all of a sudden, "All I wanted to ask was if I could bring Carl here for a few days."

 

 

Wow, I'm a real fucking asshole.

 

 

"Of course you can Rick, I would never keep you from your son."

 

 

  
"Thank you. I won't need someone to escort me but do you wanna come?"

 

 

  
Negan shook his head, "Probably best I don't.. they might run me out with fucking pitch forks."

 

 

Just when Negan expected to get a kiss all he got was another smile before Rick slipped out of the bed. What the fuck was he doing wrong all of a sudden? Every time he thought they were making better progress it didn't seem to be the actual case.

 

 

Negan didn't want to waste his time stewing on it and decided to go to the bathroom and burst in on Ricks shower. "We need to talk."

 

 

"Talk then." Rick peeked out from the shower curtain. "What's wrong?"

 

 

  
"Maybe the way you've been acting lately like I'm a fucking gremlin or some shit."

 

 

  
Rick had no clue what the hell Negan was talking about now but then last minute he clued in that it had to do with the lack of intimate moments. They hadn't done anything sexual since he got back 5 days ago and that was due to Rick feeling distant still.

 

 

"I know." Rick sighed.

 

 

"What the fuck do I have to do ? Shower you with gifts? Bring Michonne here to make you happy? What?" Negan knew he sounded desperate but he didn't fucking care.

 

 

"Again you bring up Michonne, will you ever not do that?"

 

 

  
"Fuck you."

 

 

  
Rick quickly turned off the shower to talk to Negan but the older man left the bathroom with a slam of the door. He reached for his towel then wrapped it around his waist and walked out. Of course they weren't able to go one day without having some sort of disagreement.

 

 

"Christ, you're always so dramatic." Rick pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

 

"That's the fucking problem with you.. everything that involves just you is justified. From killing people in their god damn sleep all the way to how you treat me."

 

 

  
"Are we seriously back to that shit? I don't need to apologize for tryin to make sure my people, my family survives! Don't tell me you woulda just let us live in peace at that time. You're full of a shit if you say that." Rick growled.

 

 

"No I wouldn't have and you know why?" Negan stood up from the bed and started walking towards Rick. "Because this is the new world order.. there's no such as survival without sacrifice. I sacrifice people actually liking me to fucking bring back civilization."

 

 

  
"The way you go about it will destroy whats left of humanity. No one wants to live under a fucking tyrant."

 

 

  
"A fucking tyrant? Are you joking?" Negan guffawed. "Is that what you think of me?"

 

 

  
This was turning into a chaotic conversation. A little worse than usual. Everything was spilling over like boiling water and Rick couldn't stop his words from coming out. He wanted the relationship but didn't at the same time because his family hated it. And this would never be peaceful, Carl would resent him even further, he was hurting Michonne, there was a lot of things stacked against them. The reality was starting to wrap around his throat and choke Rick again.

 

 

All that ugly self loathing was seeping its way out, the duct tape wasn't holding it in place anymore, everything he was trying to suppress found its way back. Life with Negan had been a roller coaster from the jump even when they weren't in this marriage. He had pictured so many nights that involved killing him not kissing him goodnight. Especially not wrapping his legs around Negan's waist while he pounded into him. That was something he vowed would never happen no matter how much he was sexually attracted. And being attracted to Negan was like floundering around in the darkness; where he'd always been in the first place. There was no room to say 'i didn't think about this' because fact is, Rick had been thinking about it in the back of his mind ever since they met. Back then he felt more sickened with himself for it.

 

 

  
"Not completely.. but .." Rick began saying before Negan clenched his jaw and wouldn't look at him.

 

 

"Go get Judith, I need a fucking break from your voice right now."

 

 

Negan had no clue what they were doing anymore. They sure as fuck weren't happy in their fucking marriage but no one wanted to actually leave it. But what he needed right now was a distraction from this bullshit. He went to find Simon so they could get new people to gather the tributes from the Hilltop and the Kingdom. They couldn't have anymore incidents like the last time with the Kingdom.

 

 

He eventually did find Simon who was annoyed about having to do this but still it needed to be done. They gathered up all of the Saviors who were pulled out of their duties to do this. Which was probably a god damn relief.

 

 

  
"Alright listen up, since I killed that fucker Jared I took some time to think about the pick ups. I'm warning everyone this one time that I won't put up with that shit again. Anyways Gavin I'm going to assign Laura and some other guys to go with you to the Kingdom. Simon will still be head of the pick ups for the Hilltop but we'll switch up the people for that too. This time I'm going to come with you today for their pick up, I need to talk to Gregory."

 

 

  
The Saviors dispersed so they could decide who will be going where from now on. And it was going to work out because Negan said so. This shit wasn't going to fall apart again.

 

Negan sat in the front seat while driving to the Hilltop and tried his hardest to keep Rick off his mind. It wasn't working all that well but if anyone pissed him off today then they'd fucking hear it.

 

Before he could make any grand threats the guard opened the gates quickly and Negan alongside the other Saviors stepped inside. All of the residents rushed out of the vicinity when they saw Negan and Simon coming in. Then Negan noticed a long haired man staring at him, his eyes were icy blue like Ricks.

 

 

"Hello." Negan said casually.

 

 

The man continued to glare and walked back into the Barrington house with long strides and Negan was impressed by the sass.

 

 

Not long after Gregory was coming out of the house with a forced smile on his face. "Well hello there, you're here for your tribute I take it."

 

 

"Obviously." Simon rolled his eyes comically.

 

 

"Right right. It's nice to finally meet you Negan.. welcome to the Hilltop."

 

 

Negan looked around impressed, "Thank you. I hear from Simon over here that you got a great fucking booze selection. "

 

 

"Oh yes yes I do! Will your husband Rick Grimes be joining us?" Gregory gulped.

 

 

"No, not this time."

 

  
He was lead inside the big ass mansion that he totally wished he had and whistled at the nice decor. Apparently people used to go on tours back when the world was still going. Not that Negan gave a fuck.

 

 

"You got a nice fucking set up in this place!" Negan exclaimed. "But let's cut to the fucking chase now shall we? I hear you've got tequila and I'm going to need at least 6 crates of that."

 

 

"Six?" Gregory stammered. "Uh that can be arranged."

 

 

"Glad that you're a cooperator Gregory, that shit will take you far."

 

 

They were soon taking their tribute and six crates of tequila back to their cars but Negan wasn't done checking the place out. If he was anymore of an asshole he'd kick all these mother fuckers out and take this mansion for him and Rick. But knowing how the younger man was he would never do that shit.

 

 

  
"By the way if there's any problem and I mean any fucking problem with my people when they do these pick ups, say something. Because I want this to be as peaceful as possible, that work for you?" Negan cocked one eyebrow in hopes the man would agree.

 

 

Gregory nodded his head, "Of course, I'll be sure to mention it if there's any problem but there's never any problems."

 

 

"That's excellent to hear, we'll back next week for another tribute."

 

* * *

 

Just as Rick expected it had been like pulling teeth to get Carl to come visit for the week. Not only was he vocal about how much he can't stand Negan but he was acting abrasive. But after some pleading he reluctantly agreed to come. They arrived back at the Sanctuary and Carl slammed the passenger side door.

 

 

Since his son had already been here before (granted it was him looking for revenge) there wasn't a need for a tour. And he probably wouldn't want a tour either. Another problem was that Rick didn't know where Carl would be sleeping. He would have to have a discussion with Negan about this. But since the last time they spoke was this morning it would be awkward. They exchanged some words that Rick wouldn't be able to take back because he meant most of it. No one wanted to live under someone who took from them and gave nothing in return for that. It was the same thing in a relationship; you take but also give.

 

 

"Do you want somethin' to eat? You can get whatever you want, there's chips here." Rick smiled.

 

 

Carl shrugged, "Whatever, sure."

 

  
"Are you gonna be difficult this whole time Carl?"

 

 

"I don't know, maybe I will if that means I get to go home early."

 

 

Rick sighed deeply and guided him inside where they explored the marketplace together. Since he didn't need points there was no problem in grabbing Carl anything. He got a new shirt, a comic or two, chips and some gelatto that Simon can't seem to stop raving about. For a moment Rick thought they were having a good time together.

 

 

That was until Negan showed up out of the blue.

 

 

  
"Hey kid."

 

 

Carl narrowed his eyes, "Hi."

 

 

"You've already been here before so I can't give you the grand tour." Negan flashed him a toothy grin.

 

 

 

"Yeah, right."

 

 

 

This was becoming an increasingly awkward situation so Negan decided to make it even more awkward. "So I went to the Hilltop today to get their tribute and goddamn Simon didn't lie when he said Gregory had an amazing selection of tequila."

 

 

  
Rick looked from Negan to Carl with a strange look on his face, "And?"

 

 

  
"And.. I thought it'd be a good idea for us to have the wedding celebration we never got."

 

 

All three of them stood there with different expressions on their faces, Rick was surprised, Carl was grimacing and Negan was grinning from ear to ear.

 

 

Negan had thought of it last minute once his way back to the Sanctuary, they had the supplies to do so, they had a building to host the party in and Rick deserved to get an actual wedding. Minus the ceremony.

 

 

"When will we do this?" Rick asked curiously.

 

 

"Tomorrow, I guess it's perfect timing that you brought Carl here huh?"

 

 

Carl was still glaring at them both, "Great so I have to come to this thing?"

 

 

"Sure do, it will give us some good bonding time since I'm your step dad." Negan winked.

 

 

"No you're fucking not."

 

 

"Watch your mouth, Carl." Rick scolded, it reminded him of when they had to hole up in that house after the prison went to shit.

 

 

 

"Oh by the way Negan, um, Carl needs a room to stay in for the week.. so can you figure that out right now?"

 

 

 

"Sure fucking thing, c'mon kid lets find you a nice room to chill in." Negan rested his hand on the boys shoulder only to the brush off. He started bellowing with laughter which earned an eye roll from Rick.

 

 

 

They walked around the building until Negan was able to find an empty room that wasn't musty or disgusting for that matter. Last thing he wanted was the kid to hate him even more for giving him a nasty ass room to sleep in. It used to be a room for one of the wives but he wouldn't tell Carl that. And the moment the boy settled in with his bag he rushed them both out and slammed the door in their faces.

 

 

  
Negan almost keeled over with laughter, "He's a real fucking peach, a future serial killer but still a peach."

 

 

 

"Really?"

 

 

 

"What now?"

 

 

"You called him a future serial killer the night you met him." Rick glared. "Can you think before you speak?

 

 

  
At this rate he couldn't do a damn thing right so he wasn't going to try anymore. Negan had no response for him because it would have turned into rage and that would help no one at fucking all.

 

 

 

Later on they settled in for bed despite it being pretty early but no one was sleeping because Negan had to plan the extra details for their celebration. The people who made baked goods down at the market said they'd make a cake in time for tomorrow. Then apparently Simon had it covered for the meal and they would have it in the old wives room.

 

 

 

Rick kept looking over at the paper that Negan was scribbling on so intense. He looked really determined whenever he wore his glasses.

 

 

 

"Do you really wanna do this?" Rick asked.

 

 

 

"Why wouldn't I?"

 

 

 

"After our fight I just didn't think you'd wanna do anythin' for me."

 

 

 

Negan set the paper down but didn't remove his glasses, "What you said pissed me the fuck off but yeah, I get it, the way I've gone about things has been fucked up. I'm fucked up and so is this situation. But I ain't keeping you here, you can leave if you want."

 

 

  
That was something that had been made clear from the start, that Rick didn't have to stay or do anything if he didn't want to. In the beginning he almost expected the man to force him to have sex on their wedding night but he didn't. And had been explicit about this not being a thing of force. Negan had proved that now he wasn't going to bring deliberate harm to Rick, on a physical level. But emotional was a whole other topic and so far he'd destroyed him emotionally here and there. Trying to figure out if you really love someone thats hurt you is head ache inducing.

 

 

  
"How many times have you asked me that question and how many times have I told you I will say if I wanna leave?"

 

 

 

"Too many goddamn times but shit Rick, you look at me like you don't want to be here any more so what am I supposed to fucking think." Negan said exasperated.

 

 

 

  
_That was fair._

 

 

  
"Let's see how tomorrow goes okay?" Rick tried to detour the topic.

 

 

  
"You always try to take my mind off shit but I think we need to discuss this properly."

 

 

"We can only mull over this so many times, I know how these things go with you." Rick said.

 

 

"Fuck that. Don't make me the reason we can't get on the same page. You know what I don't give a damn about being soft about this. Do you love me?"

 

 

There it was, out in the fucking open. All that Rick had to say was yes or no but asking for that was even too much.

 

 

  
"I don't know."

 

 

  
Negan groaned with his face in his pillow, "Fucking fuck, do you know anything Rick? How come you can't give me an answer?"

 

 

  
"Why do you need one?"

 

 

  
"If you can't figure that out then you're a fucking idiot."

 

 

  
Rick closed his eyes to collect himself, "Stop mistreatin' me when I don't say what you want me to. I really don't know if I do, I have feelings for you but .."

 

 

  
"But you don't know if you love me.." Negan finished his sentence.

 

 

  
"Yeah."

 

 

And he really didn't know, at some points he thought it was the case then something happens and Rick felt himself pulling away again. With Lori he knew. With Michonne it slapped him in the face and still was doing so. Now he was at the point where he was laying in the bed with the same man he threatened to kill. Rick tried his best not to see any of this negatively but his mind always went there no matter what. He thought of what it would mean to love Negan. What would it say about him?  Right now he needed a reason why he should figure it out.

 

 

 

"Get to bed. We got a big fucking day ahead of us tomorrow." Negan murmured.

 

 

 

Rick agreed then turned over on his side, facing away from the older man. He wasn't in the mood for cuddling tonight and that wouldn't happen anyways. Maybe tomorrow would treat their relationship better.

 

 


	17. Must Be Love on the Brain

The celebration was turning out to be a lot bigger than Rick imagined it would be. What he was told would be a small gathering turned into damn near everyone in the Sanctuary being invited. It would be stretched out throughout the building but mainly in the wives room. How they were going to fit more than twenty people in that room was baffling Rick paced in the bathroom thinking about how he was feeling. How so many emotions were prancing inside of him like deer in a meadow. A year ago he wouldn't have even thought of a night like this.

 

  
He did have strong feelings for Negan but could those feelings actually be love? By now he should know right? Rick had no clock ticking behind him or a gun to his head. These things can take time to figure out. No matter if the situation is complicated or not. And Rick was definitely taking a lot of time. He jumped into the shower to clear his head (although this rarely ever did that) and made it so the water was almost uncomfortably hot. The water traveled from his brown curls, his neck, his shoulders and all the way down to his feet. This was exactly what he needed right now. Rick grabbed the loofah and scrubbed himself down with the bar of soap sitting there.

 

  
Rick started thinking of how long it took him to realize he loved Lori, they were so young and she was his first love. He remembered how nervous he was to admit to how he felt. And the way Lori's face lit up after he uttered the words to her. Then there was Michonne, she was so different that way, she didn't need to be told that often. He expressed how he felt in his actions more than anything.

 

  
But Negan was a whirlwind, someone who can destroy everything they touch.

 

 

During mid thought Rick was startled by the door opening and footsteps approaching the shower curtain.

 

  
"Negan? What are you doin'?" Rick laughed breathlessly.

 

  
"Coming to see if my hot as fuck husband wanted some company in the shower. I did plan to open the curtain suddenly but you probably woulda cleaned my fucking clock."

 

  
"Probably, you know I hate when people sneak up on me."

 

  
"Don't most people hate that?" Negan asked amused.

 

  
Rick chuckled and continued washing his hair, "Don't you have things to do?"

 

  
"I'm certain everything is under control and don't pull that sass with me or I'll fuck it out of you."

 

 

While there was a sense of humor in Negans voice when he said that, he probably would do it. Rick was craving rough sex.

 

 

"Sure you will." Rick smiled.

 

 

Rick was baiting him without a doubt which he knew Negan would fall for easily. Or at the very least he had already caught on. Soon the older man was stripping down his clothes quickly and sliding in behind him. A hard smack landed against one of his ass cheeks, he let out a small moan then another followed.

 

In old world Rick never thought of himself as that attractive, he thought of himself as average. But the way Negan praised his body made him feel alive, it was thrilling. He was being pressed against the back wall of the shower and felt the other mans length pressing against his own. Negan  grinded against him like they had all the time in the world. Before it could go any further Negan remembered last minute something he needed to do. He apologized and promised they would fuck so good later that he wouldn't walk for days. Which was fine by Rick.

 

 

After Negan left he continued his time in the shower not only to relieve himself but to wash up a little more. Annoyingly enough he was feeling more nervous about tonight. He just needed to let loose and not focus on it. Rick turned off the shower, got out of the bathroom with his towel on and shuffled through his dresser drawer. Eventually he decided to wear white t-shirt and black jeans, nothing special. It wasn't supposed to be a fancy evening anyways. He sat in their room for a while to get a head start on drinking his nerves away but not too much that he'd be wasted. Rick felt the warmth pooling in his stomach. 

 

 

Rick hiccuped, "Just a little bit.. I needed it."

 

  
"Why are you so fucking nervous darling? The only reason I even put this together was for you to have a good time."

 

 

"And I'm grateful for it but sometimes I get anxious at parties.. I've always been that way, believe it or not. It's funny I can kill people without blinking but I can't have a good time as easily." Rick laughed.

 

  
Negan pulled him in and started to stroke along his back. They were so close together. "We'll get through the night together, drink as much as you need to.. I know I will."

 

 

"I suppose that's the solution." Rick lightly kissed the other man on the lips and took his hand so they could leave the room together. He was blind folded part way because it needed to be a surprise. Despite him already knowing about the party in general.

 

 

Rick was finally led into the old wives room and his blind fold was taken off but no one yelled surprise. Instead everyone stood around with drinks in hand and started cheering because of his presence.

 

He couldn't remember the last time anyone clapped for him like this. In Alexandria barely any parties were had and the last time was pretty much Deanna's 'welcome to the community' party. Rick spent several minutes shaking hands and returning smiles. A few of Negan's ex wives (the ones that actually liked him) approached Rick and asked if he wanted to have a few drinks.

 

 

It almost felt like he was back in high school again, hanging with popular people and trying to be social. Even though Rick sucked at blending into a crowd at times. Unless he was drunk. Which after several minutes went by he very much was. Rick hadn't been counting his drinks but it had been well over five shots by now. He was swaying to the music that was playing and it reminded him how shitty of a dancer he was. Yet since he was drunk he couldn't care less.

 

 

Whenever he watched Rick genuinely enjoy himself there was a heavy feeling in his chest. Most times at parties Negan loved being the center of attention but not this time. Being with Rick brought on this other side of him that he never realized he could have. The side that had a strong level of care and softness. Negan wasn't a soft person by nature but he was able to be that way.

 

 

  
Sherry was standing beside him all of a sudden with a calm look on her face. "Your husband looks happy."

 

 

  
"It wasn't that way for a long time.. the booze has a part to play tonight."

 

 

  
"Still, he's happier than we all ever were. What you had with us, the wives, it wasn't romantic or anything.. you gave us what we wanted and that was the jist. But with Rick it looks real, don't fuck it up." And with that Sherry walked happily back towards Dwight.

 

 

  
Sherry was standing beside him all of a sudden with a calm look on her face. "Your husband looks happy."

 

 

  
"It wasn't that way for a long time.. the booze has a part to play tonight."

 

 

  
"Still, he's happier than we all ever were. What you had with us, the wives, it wasn't romantic and it certainly wasn't love.  But with Rick it looks real, don't fuck it up." And with that Sherry walked happily back towards Dwight.

 

 

Negan was freaked out by how real this whole relationship actually was because the realer it is, the more it can turn out wrong. When Lucille died he almost vowed never to feel that way again. To never let someone in again. Even after he promised her that he would. She always reminded him to be happy, still did when she'd visit in his dreams. And even in this shit show of a world he was able to look forward to waking up. Before all this he was wandering around in the world, hoping to become something more than a shell. And despite becoming a leader of a powerful group, he never was actually happy, not with the wives, not with anything really. Turns out he was able to feel good again with the one person who he didn't think would want him. And he did love Rick and knowing if he loved him back was something he needed.

 

 

A warm hand on his arm jolted him out of his thoughts and he saw a giddy looking Rick.

 

 

  
"Now whose the brooder.. is that a word?" Rick chuckled.

 

 

  
"Who the fuck even knows. You're clearly having fun."

 

 

  
"It'd be even more f-f-fun if you finished what you s-started earlier." Rick's fingers were starting to dip into his pants but he pulled them out right away. Last thing Negan wanted was for everyone to get a sneak peek of his dick.

 

 

  
"Not here, but we will later, I promise. You need to eat some food." Negan whispered and guided him towards the food table. "How about some of this pork, we get it fresh from the Kingdom."

 

 

"You never tell me bout the other communities you take from.."

 

 

  
"Well." Negan sighed. "Its best we don't discuss that shit since you've got strong opinions about all of it."

 

 

  
"I do but I would like to know more."

 

 

  
"In due time." Negan rubbed circles against his back. "Here, eat your food."

 

 

  
Rick shoved the meat into his mouth and made a pleased sound. "This is fucking good."

 

  
"That can't be the only meat that you want."

 

 

  
"Your jokes suck."

 

 

  
Negan led his hand down towards his husband's ass and squeezed, "No need to be rude, you know what happens when you are."

 

  
"And what's that?" Rick cooed.

 

* * *

 

 

A few minutes later Rick and Negan found themselves sneaking off to go fuck in one of the supply closets. It was the one place no one would look for them. Negan locked it from the inside and aggressively bent Rick over, his face was pressed against the door.

 

  
"Tell me how bad you want me to fuck the holy hell out of your ass."

 

  
Rick squirmed when he felt a finger tracing closer and closer to his hole, "Really bad, please."

 

  
"Please who?"

 

  
"Please, Negan."

 

  
Negan smacked the perky ass in front of him, "Damn fucking right." He slipped his finger inside Rick who was moaning against the door. Every time he hit the younger man's prostate it was like he was finger fucking a light socket. He could feel how much Rick was shaking and it was turning him on.

 

  
"Oh god, Negan."

 

  
He withdrew his fingers causing Rick to whine and bounce back. Negan took his jeans off and dry thrusted against the other man.

 

  
Negan leaned over to whisper into Ricks ear, "Beg me for it."

 

  
"Please..please..please give it to me."

 

  
"Say it again." Negan growled.

 

  
Rick smirked and begged even further for it and that's when he was being penetrated. He almost moaned too loudly until Negan was holding his mouth. At first he was being fucked agonizingly slow and every time Rick tried to bounce back his hips were held still.

 

 

"Fuck me harder."

 

  
"That's pretty fucking demanding, what's the magic word?"

 

  
"Just fuck me harder asshole." Rick growled and then received a hard slap against his ass. And then he was being fucked so hard that the door could have broke in half.

 

  
Negan kept missing his prostate on purpose which made Rick groan loudly. But instead of continuing to tease the fuck out of him he started to make certain he hit it with every stroke.

 

  
Eventually after a handful more thrusts he was cumming inside Rick who came not long after him. They were both sweaty and exhausted, but there was something in the other mans eyes. Not exhaustion. Something altogether more intense.

 

  
"I think we should um- get back." Rick murmured before opening the door and leaving without him.

 

* * *

 

 

For some reason Rick was nowhere to be found when he returned to the party and that was a little bothersome. He asked everyone who passed if they had seen Rick but they said no. Which means he either went back to their room or went somewhere to be alone.

 

 

Negan stormed through as many rooms as he possibly could but couldn't find him anywhere. Eventually he went to Carl's temporary room and knocked on the door. The boy couldn't stand him, that much was true, but this was the last place he had to look.

 

  
He knocked once on the door and Carl asked who was there.

 

 

  
"It's me, Negan."

 

 

  
"Go away." Carl responded back.

 

 

  
Negan opened the door anyways despite Carl insisting he leave him alone. The way Carl was looking at him should have detoured him.

 

 

  
"What do you want?" The teen sneered. "My dad's not in here, okay?"

 

 

  
"I can see that. You know, I'm technically your step dad." Negan clutched his stomach when he saw how annoyed Carl was.

 

 

  
"Technically you're an asshole."

 

 

  
"Shit, kid, you sure got a way with words I'll tell you that much."

 

 

  
Carl rolled his eyes but was trying not to smile, "What do you want with my dad?"

 

 

  
"What do ya mean kid?"

 

  
"I mean why don't you just let him come back home, where he belongs?"

 

 

  
Negan furrowed his eye brows, "Maybe 'cause we're together."

 

  
"You shouldn't be, he deserves better than you, he had better than you."

 

  
And maybe the kid was onto something, maybe it would be better if he broke it off with Rick. Let him go back to Alexandria and leave all of this behind. But the selfish part of him didn't want to let him go. If that made him a worse person then so be it. He'd let Rick decide this for himself because he could.

 

  
"You're right." Negan nodded. "Your dad is real fucking special and an asshole like me doesn't deserve him. But I know you don't wanna hear this shit but I love your dad, a hell of a lot."

 

  
"Someone like you can't love anything." Carl retorted.

 

  
"Listen I got no time to debate this but I don't plan on going anywhere. Not unless your dad leaves me himself. So get used to it."

 

  
For a moment before Negan left he could have sworn he saw a look of acceptance on Carl's face. Which quickly turned into a hardcore glare once more.

 

* * *

 

 

_You know what he wanted to say to you." Lucille scoffed. "Stop throwing this pity party for yourself, he obviously wanted to say he loves you."_

  
_Negan shrugged, "He'd just fucking say it if he felt it."_

  
_"Not exactly."_

  
_"What the fucks that supposed to mean?"_

  
_"You should know better than anyone that admitting to feelings is a lot harder than it sounds. Some people can't spill their fucking guts so easily.. he'll tell you eventually."_

  
_"What if I can't wait around?" Negan mumbled._

  
_"Then you're even more of an idiot than you were before. You didn't do it right with me." Lucille said plainly. "We had some good years but you did a lot of stupid shit before I got sick.. and I don't hate you for it. But Rick has got every reason to hate you, he shouldn't even love you at all but if he does decide that he does, then fight to keep him."_

  
_"Were we good together Luci?" A tear started to slip down Negan's face that he didn't stop from trickling down his face._

  
_Lucille smiled softly back at him, "For the most part but we could have been better."_

 

* * *

 Negan woke up early in the morning and looked over at Rick who was staring at him too. Both of them were completely silent, all that could be heard was their heavy breathing. This was probably the perfect time to ask questions.

 

 

"What were you gonna say to me yesterday? And don't lie to me." Negan tried not to sound threatening but it came out that way.

 

 

"I don't know, I forget."

 

 

  
"That's such fucking bullshit, Rick. How many times are we gonna avoid this topic? It's either you think you love me at least or you know you never will."

 

 

  
When they were in the supply closet Rick did want to say it, the words were lingering on his tongue, making it tingle. And yet he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Rick looked into those hazel eyes that were filled with need and curiosity. He wanted to let it all out, spill the not so dirty secret; but he couldn't.

 

 

  
"Let's just go back to sleep, discuss this in the mornin' " Rick yawned and tried to roll over on his side.

 

 

  
"No we need to talk about this.. you can leave at any time, I've told you that over and fucking over. If you don't love me then why stay? Why stay married to me?"

 

 

"I just don't know if I can -"

 

  
"Don't know if you can what? Stay with me anymore? Be with me anymore? Just fucking give it to me straight. I can't lay up at night wondering if you feel the same."

 

 

Rick pressed his lips against Negan's lips and for once there was a hesitance radiating off him, like they switched roles for once. Instead he leaned further into the kiss, running his hands along the older mans bicep. Using sex as a distraction wasn't exactly his style but he needed to feel Negan's lips against his own.

 

  
"I wanted to say I don't know if I can tell you how any of this feels.. how I feel. For a while it was shameful 'cause of who you are. Now it's just me feelin' scared in general." Rick whispered.

 

 

"So what are you're saying?" Negan's voice was coarse and low.

 

 

  
"That eventually I should be able to say it but I need you to know that it ain't 'cause I don't.."

 

 

"I get it Blue Eyes, I'll give you time. Now what do ya say we exhaust ourselves again?"

 

 

Rick quirked his eye brow, "What do you recommend?"

 

* * *

 

 

Late afternoon came and Negan decided they take a day off to relax together. And Rick wanted to make sure Carl enjoyed the rest of his week there. He never did show up at the party which was to be expected, but he hated the idea that Carl was angry at him. It left a gross taste in his mouth.

 

 

Rick ended up grabbing Carl so they could eat breakfast together because they needed to have another talk. He needed his s0n to understand the situation and not pass judgment. But he had no plans of telling him to forget everything. What they all had to go through that night; was seered into their brains. No amount of begging or pleading was going to fix it. What Rick thought could be a pleasant breakfast turned into Carl poking his pancakes for ten minutes and grunting as responses.

 

  
"Do you plan to eat your food?" Rick questioned. "It's gettin cold."

 

  
"Not all that hungry."

 

  
Rick set his fork down and made eye contact with Carl who seemed reluctant, "Are you still angry at me?"

 

  
"No, I'm confused. Dad, you wanted him dead for what he did, for what he kept doing to us."

 

  
"I know I did."

 

  
"So I was right and you do love him." Carl grumbled.

 

 

If this was any other time Rick would have avoided the question or gave some excuse of how its complicated. But now that he was certain about how he felt, now that he had started to accept it he wasn't going to avoid it anymore. Especially not with Carl.

 

  
"Yeah, I do."

 

  
Carl looked down at the table, "Do you still love mom?"

 

  
"Yes but you have to understand why this is a complicated situation.."

 

 

"I think I get it now, I still hate him but I get it now."

 

 

  
He reached his hand out to hold onto  Rick's and for a second it was like he became the child and Carl was the parent. And they sat like that before returning to their now very cold breakfasts.

 

* * *

 

 

_Having Negan prance around the place like he owned it, like he protected it, like he found it first was nauseating. Rick wanted to use Lucille to beat his head in every chance he'd turn around, but he would fail and everyone would die in result._

 

_They were in the armory to gather up the guns for him to take and Olivia was already walking away to show the Saviors where they were._

 

_Rick turned to follow but was stopped immediately._

 

_"Wait wait wait, while they're at.. I just want to point out to you that I'm not taking a scrap of your food. Slim pickens in here. "Negan said. "And I can't be the only one to notice that you got a fat lady in charge of keepin track of rations, can I? Either way you starve to death, I don't get shit. So for now you get to keep all the food. How bout that?"_

 

_In Rick's mind all that he could think of was how they weren't going to take the minimal amount of food they had, but they weren't going to lend them anything either._

 

_"What do you want me to say?" Rick asked._

 

  
_Negan stepped right into his personal space with an angered look on his face. "I don't know, Rick how about a thank you? You think that might be in order or is it too much to ask?"_

 

_He was staring right into those eyes that at one point he thought were brown but turns out they're hazel. And internally he was wondering why he cared what color Negan's eyes were. The anger was overriding the rest of the thoughts that were probably lingering in the back ground._

 

  
_"I know we started off on the wrong foot, but what can I say you forced my hand, Rick. But it's like I've been trying to tell you I'm a very reasonable man, as long as you cooperate, so let me ask you a question, Rick. Are you cooperating?" Negan rolled his tongue in a way that was borderline sexual._

 

_Rick was having a hard time not laughing at how ridiculous this was, how there was so much sexual tension in the room, how much he hated this asshole but found him amusing in small moments._

 

  
_"What does it look like?"_

 

  
_"I know what it looks like. But what I really wanna know is if we're gonna find all the guns back there or if you've got a few just waiting for their moment? Just like my Lucille."_

 

  
_Rick paid attention to every single word that the other man was saying to him but he was suddenly glancing down at Negan's lips. "They're all in there, to the best of my knowledge."_

 

  
_"Mm, I'm counting on that Rick."_

 

* * *

 

 

Rick had spent a couple of hours with Carl and decided that he should give him some space. He started to walk back to his room until something came over him.  Rick practically went into a running sprint and was huffing once he got to the door. Rick struggled with opening the door but forced himself to go in. There was Negan laid up on the couch with a drink in his hand.

 

  
"Shit, did you run all the way here or something?" Negan questioned.

 

  
Rick nodded frantically and caught his breath for a moment. "I needed to talk to you."

 

  
"So you ran here just to do that?"

 

  
"Yes."

 

  
"What did you wanna discuss, I don't wanna get into a god damn fight today so please just save it for tomorrow if so." Negan yawned and took a sip of his bourbon.

 

  
"It's to do with how I feel."

 

  
"About what?"

 

  
Rick swallowed all the things that were telling him not to say this, "About you."

 

  
"Look, Rick. We don't have to do this, okay? You don't need to fucking tell me that you're unsure.. I get it now."

 

  
"I'm sure of what I feel." Rick breathed out. "What we have ain't pretty, never was, probably never will be... and my people may really forgive me. But some part of me doesn't wanna care. I've always had so much on my shoulders, even before the world went to shit. And then I had the world on my shoulders when I had to constantly protect my family - the people I love. Now the one person I wanted to protect them from is someone I love."

 

  
Negan felt his heart drop into his stomach like it forgot where it was supposed to be. "What?"

 

  
"I feel the same for you. I love you, Negan."

 

 

Without saying another word he stepped towards Rick and put both hands on his face and kissed him deeply. It was probably the most passionate kiss they've ever had. And it was sappy as fuck too. Negan didn't want their lips to separate but if they didn't neither of them would come up for air.

 

  
"God, I love you so much.. you know that?"

 

  
"Yeah, I do." Rick whispered. "And this will go to your head but remember that time you took all our guns.. and we were in the pantry alone. I did think about your lips when I glanced down."

 

  
Negan had a cocky look on his face, "As if that wasn't fucking obvious."

 

  
"Shut up." Rick lightly shoved his shoulder.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_"I take it he told you how he feels." Lucille smiled._

 

  
_"How'd you know? Unless you got a direct line to what I'm doing.. you always did love watching me." Negan winked._

 

  
_"Well asshole, I know 'cause I know and also you don't look like someone cut off your dick."_

 

  
_Negan chuckled, "Fuck, yeah, you're right."_

 

  
_"I won't be seeing you for a while or ever again. The only reason I've been able to meet you here is because you've needed me. And now you don't."_

 

  
_"Don't say that shit."_

 

  
_She rubbed his shoulder and smiled, "No it's true, you've got Rick and honey I'm dead, you got what you wanted. And so did I. You're happy."_

 

  
_"So I'll never see you again? Ever?"_

 

  
_Lucille bit her bottom lip to prevent the tears from coming, "You might, when you need me again. If you need me again."_

 

  
_"Thank you for saving my ass again."_

 

  
_"I wasn't the one who saved you, now wake up you idiot."_

 

  
For once Negan didn't wake up abruptly but his eyes opened slowly and there he was wrapped up against Rick.

 

 

It was right where he wanted to be.

 


	18. The Grey Area

"Why didn't we just get some of my guys to go scavenging? I know Arat's been itching to get out there and do something." Negan leaned back into the passenger seat.

 

 

"We needed to get out of the..factory and besides when was the last time we did this?"

 

 

 

Negan stared out of the window, "I'm too old for this shit."

 

 

 

"Oh please, if you can fuck me two times in a row then you can go on a run, plain an' simple."

 

 

 

"How is that even remotely the same thing?"

 

 

 

"I'm just makin' comparison 'cause both activities can take a lot out of someone."

 

 

 

Both men exchanged a look that said they could pull over and have a quickie right now but Rick looked away to avoid going that route. Right now sex wasn't the priority, the priority was continuing to have things to trade. Their relationship had taken a drastic turn over the past couple of months and it was all in a good way. Rick ended up having a long conversation with Michonne about what it meant, she made the decision to walk away completely and move on. And now she was busy working with the Hilltop mainly as well as the Kingdom on occasion. Rick still wanted happiness for because she would always be apart of the family whether they were in a relationship or not. And Michonne still took care of the kids like she always had before.

 

 

  
A certain type of silence engulfed them for a while which was fine by Rick given he needed that sometimes. Being with Negan required listening to a lot of ranting alongside a lot of vulgarity. If he had been told years ago that he'd end up with someone like Negan he would have laughed in that persons face. Not even because he's a man but after all he'd done to him and the people he loves it seemed impossible.

 

 

 

Rick kept glancing over in Negan's direction but would only get a smirk in response. He reached out for Negan's hand then squeezed when he felt warmth in his palm. The little things would always remind him what he loved about Negan. Even if it was just a light touch to his bare skin, gentle kisses that felt like they'd go on forever or late night conversations.

 

 

Something about seeing different sides of a man that everyone had written off as a monster made Rick feel warm inside. He wouldn't ever forget what Negan had done to make everyone think that, nothing would go forgotten but life was constantly changing.

 

 

  
"Is there any music in this car and no I don't mean your hilly billy shit." Negan checked the glove compartment for CD's but there were none to be found. "Fuck."

 

 

 

"You always have to take stabs at my music, don't you?"

 

 

 

"Baby you gotta admit that it's really fucking hick music like shit you'd listen to while riding a goddamn tractor."

 

 

 

Rick rolled his eyes then chuckled, "I never rode tractors, you idiot."

 

 

 

"You sure as fuck know how to ride other things though."

 

 

 

"Don't be vulgar." Rick bit his bottom lip, trying to maintain seriousness.

 

 

 

"Here comes cowboy "Rick 'I'll Ride Your Stick' Grimes"

 

 

 

"I can't believe some of the shit that comes outta your mouth sometimes, do you have a filter?"

 

 

 

Negan broke out in obnoxious laughter, "People used to ask me that shit all the time, whether I'd think before I spoke."

 

 

 

  
"What was your answer?" Rick asked.

 

 

 

"That I never fucking do."

* * *

 

 

They hit up the first place that was in the middle of the woods and seemed to be mostly untouched, there were a few deteriorated bodies laying around which set off a red flag. Rick didn't have much time to consider if this was a dangerous spot to be getting supplies. He lost his touch that way.

 

 

  
Something about the area seemed not right like something could go wrong at any moment, plus there was always a possibility of a horde coming through randomly. Both of them were preparing for disappointment but found a few things. Most of the items were household and a box of diapers but that was the extent of it.

 

 

  
Rick carried the diapers while Negan packed up a few things in his bag then they walked back to the vehicle and drove to the second place.

 

 

  
During the ride Negan seemed a bit irritated which was only making Rick feel the same way, and if he was being honest with himself it was putting a damper on the day. Rick didn't waste time asking about it either. Which only made matters worse.

 

 

  
"Talk to me."

 

 

  
Negan sighed a little too deeply then rubbed his hair back. "Sometimes I wish I could go back to the system I had before, instead of going out looking for random shit to trade with people who wanna slit my goddamn throat."

 

 

  
"This way is better than what you were doin' before, Negan. This way we don't have to have an all out war, no one else needs to die or suffer under the crippling system you established."

 

 

  
"The crippling fucking system? Are you seriously gonna pretend like my way never worked ever?"

 

 

 

"It didn't work for my people! It didn't work for any of the other communities you took from either! This is the new world, accept it or don't." Rick gripped the steering wheel tightly.

 

 

 

"Stop the car." Negan mumbled.

 

 

"No."

 

 

  
"I said stop the fucking car, Rick."

 

 

  
Rick slammed on the brakes then looked over at an almost seething Negan, maybe saying all that wasn't as necessary but he needed to know what the situation was now. He needed to understand that it wasn't going to change.

 

 

  
"You don't need to be an asshole about it, okay?"

 

 

 

"That's funny coming from you -"

 

 

  
Negan held his hand up in protest, "Let me finish, Rick. You don't need to be an asshole about what it's like now, you don't need to rub that shit in my face like you thwarted the villain, the same villain who happens to be your fucking husband."

 

 

 

"That wasn't what I meant and you know that."

 

 

  
"Do I? Or have I just been reveling in the fact that I love you and that you actually love me back."

 

 

 

"We've made so much progress since the beginning of all this but now you wanna go backwards and pretend that I caused all of this? That I'm the bad guy when all I've done is forgive you for the shit you've done, for who you were before we met and after." Rick scoffed. "All of that agitation you feel is apart of you givin' up control, the control you never were supposed to have in the first damn place."

 

 

 

Negan narrowed his hazel eyes that were darkening, "Fuck off with that bullshit, Rick. I'll bet that you fucking loved being the biggest bad ass in that joint and it wasn't because you needed to be, it was because you wanted to be."

 

 

  
"That's how I kept people alive."

 

 

 

"No, you told yourself that's the only reason you've done shit, is to protect everyone. But what was killing all those men at my outpost? Huh? What the fuck was that shit? A necessity? Or you slaughtering a shit load of people for a months worth of food. I can't believe you're gonna sit there and talk to me like I'm the fucking piece of shit who makes this 'new world' worse. Take a look around darling, the world was fucked up before the walkers."

 

 

  
Just because he couldn't keep his goddamn mouth shut he kept going, digging into Rick like sharp teeth and who he used to be was coming back up.

 

 

 

"You keep telling yourself that you're a good guy, Rick. Keep on telling yourself that you're better than me and that deep down you still believe that but you're just apart of the grey area baby."

* * *

 

The drive back to the Sanctuary was extremely awkward after their fight and Negan couldn't blame Rick for not talking to him. Negan didn't really expect Rick not to come to bed but that's exactly what happened. Without even saying a word he went to find one of the empty rooms to sleep in.

 

 

Maybe it was impossible to be the man that Rick needed him to be, wanted him to be, and it was starting to become clearer that he'd always crave control. That's how he operated for a long time before Rick even showed up. So why did he have to change himself entirely to fit all of Ricks needs? He couldn't find an answer for that other than he wasn't really enough. At least at the moment he didn't really feel like he was. Sure Rick loved him but if he started shaving off all the changes, would he still?

 

  
  
Negan walked around the Sanctuary, the empire he'd built, yet he didn't feel like that's what it was anymore. Ever since he'd said points no longer exist it had been so different around there. All the people that once cowered to him weren't even fucking scared like they should be.

 

* * *

 

_"You answer to me, you provide for me!"_

 

_"I provide for you."_

 

_"You belong to me, right?"_

 

_"Right."_

 

 

 

Waking up in a randomly selected room which unsettling for Rick, especially since he was having dreams about ugly memories between him and Negan. And it reminded him what Negan was definitely still capable of. No matter how much he felt for the man there was still some fear of him reverting back to the same person he was. Despite all of that Rick thought of going back to the room just to talk things out. But it probably wouldn't make much of a difference because they said what they said.

 

 

  
No erasing any of that now.

 

 

 

The one thing about living at the Sanctuary pretty much full time was not being able to see Carl , Judith or anyone else from his family. He thought about stretching time between there and here but that would get confusing. And even though they'd all relatively accepted that he was with Negan, there were still some people who thought he was an idiot (mostly Rosita) for staying with him. Where everyone else stood at this point was still

 

 

  
Rick considered taking a trip to Alexandria for a few days or maybe even visit the Hilltop to see Maggie. While it was safe for her now she went back to stay at the Hilltop, apparently it was a decision she was sticking by.

 

 

  
All he wanted was for everyone to be happy, including himself.

 

 


	19. What You've Done and Continue to Do

On his way to visit Maggie at the Hilltop Rick was becoming a lot more nervous about it than he was before he left. There was literally no guarantee that she'd even care to see him after everything that's happened. Especially when it came to his decision to continue to be with Negan and not leave the Sanctuary. That could be translated as betrayal still in all of their eyes. And Rick wouldn't even blame anyone for still being angry, still being confused or still feeling like he wasn't on their side anymore. He always had to remind himself that everyone still must know that he didn't agree with everything Negan did.

 

 

They must still know.

 

 

  
Rick insisted on going alone so then it wouldn't cause any unnecessary drama with the Hilltop people. No one really had a problem with letting him in but the look he got from one of the people guarding the gate was discouraging. What did everyone think of him now? The communities were well aware of him being Negan, him being married to him still, and that undoubtedly had the people he wasn't close to sickened with him.

 

 

  
He admired how the Hilltop was still going strong though, how they persevered through difficult situations just like his own people did (at least his core group anyways.) But them still having Gregory as their 'leader' still didn't help them grow. Gregory was self serving, a kiss ass and overall the type of person that Rick wish he could kill himself.

 

 

  
Before he could ever make it towards the door he saw Gregory walking out beside Maggie who looked agitated with his presence. Rick completely ignored the man and embraced Maggie in a warm hug. It was nice to know that she wasn't so overwhelmed that she couldn't even hug him anymore. That would only make him feel shittier if she like that. His heart felt less heavy seeing her with a bit of life in her face, maybe she was doing a lot better.

 

 

  
"What brings you here today, Rick?" Maggie released him from their hug. "Not that I ain't happy to see you but the trade won't be for another few days."

 

 

  
Rick ran his hand throughout his own curls, "This is just a personal visit is all. I miss you and I wanted to check up on you, see how things have been over here in general."

 

 

  
"We've been well over here, no ones strugglin' to make ends meet. If you wanna come inside you can?"

 

 

  
Normally Gregory would be on his usual bullshit but for some reason he didn't even say a word other than "Hello" and ventured off into the office. Rick chalked that up to the man being scared of pissing him off because he was Negans husband. Sometimes that was agitating to think of how people walked on egg shells around him but in this instance he was grateful for the title.

 

 

  
They went up to Maggie's room and closed the door behind them so they could have a relatively private conversation. She adjusted her sheets to make the room look more presentable seemingly though he didn't really care. Maggie was still family.

 

 

 

"You don't have to do all that, Maggie."

 

 

  
Maggie shook her head, "I didn't plan on nobody coming to visit me today so I'd rather you not see how lazy I've been."

 

 

  
"If anyone deserves to take a break it's you and from what I can tell you should be the leader of this place. Gregory barely respects himself, let alone the people in his own community so I think it's time you take over."

 

 

 

"Oh I don't know."

 

 

  
Seeing the woman that Maggie has grown into since the farm has been so interesting for Rick because she wasn't the same. Not even since she lost Glenn but everything had shaped her into someone strong. He knew what she was capable of in terms of leadership, people respected what she had to say and respected her.

 

 

 

"Well I do and you deserve it. Have you been to Alexandria lately or too busy runnin' this place?" Rick saw Maggie's face go from smiling to a more somber look, maybe he said the wrong thing.

 

 

 

Maggie stood against the wall, "No I haven't been by lately..even though I should. Sasha went back for a day or two to see how everyone's holdin' up but it's hard goin' back there.Anyways, um, how have you been at the...Sanctuary?"

 

 

  
The tone in her voice was a bit clipped, uncomfortable, and over all Rick knew that she hated asking about anything pertaining to Negan. And yet she swallowed down all the obvious hate she had for his husband. She didn't have to ask anything because truthfully he didn't deserve that from her. Being with Negan in the way that he was should have easily earned a good 'he's dead to me' response from Maggie. Yet she still saw him as family, she still respected him as a person even if she disagreed with his decisions. Rick liked to believe that still was apart of being family to someone. Still apart of loving someone and caring for them.

 

 

 

"I won't lie right now and say it's been easy lately..there's been some issues with me and.."

 

 

 

"You and Negan?"

 

 

 

Rick nodded at that, "If you don't want me to talk about him then I'll just stop. The last thing I wanna say do is make you anymore uncomfortable than you already are with me. And I get why you are so don't think for a second that I've forgotten anythin' that's happened."

 

 

 

"You can tell me whatever you need to, as much as I hate that man I can't harbor all that anger forever..Glenn wouldn't want that. Knowing him he'd probably try to see the good still rather than focus on the bad. That's one of things I miss, how Glenn helped remind us not to lose hope and how he was so much to all of us. To me."

 

 

  
Looking at the way she was talking so openly about her deceased husband almost made Rick want to cry. But now wasn't the time to get emotional because Maggie didn't need to see that right now. He missed Glenn and missed what be brought to their family, what he brought to the new world really. And he still wondered what he'd think about his marriage to Negan.

 

 

 

"So tell me what's the problem?" Maggie continued. "I still can't imagine that mans the most reasonable all the time."

 

 

 

Rick knew that off the bat, "We've been really distant lately and somehow he still can't understand things. And sometimes I can't look at him without imagining all he's done to us..I've wondered if he will ever really change on the inside. Maybe I'll just always go around in circles with him to the point where I don't know if I can do it forever."

 

 

 

"If he so much as hurts you anymore than he likely has..I'll kill him."

 

 

 

After spending what was a considerable time at the Hilltop, exploring what was new around the community, finding out that Jesus and Daryl were becoming a lot closer and having Maggie explain what she wanted for their future. Rick was happy that he came to visit today. Not one part of him was disappointed with what he saw . He saw the passion in Maggie's eyes as she spoke so fondly about her new home.

 

 

And that reminded him of what he used to feel even back at the prison, feeling like there was hope for something. The new world still had some remnants of hope even after all the loss they'd experienced, after all the pain everyone had to go through. Rick hugged Maggie before he left then got in the vehicle he drove in and left to go to Alexandria.

 

 

  
On his drive there he went over what he'd say to Carl, if Judith was okay, how Michonne was doing, how everyone was doing. His breathing became so irregular he just knew that he was experiencing an anxiety attack. Rick had to pull over at the side of the road safely then tried some breathing techniques, visualization even mentally calmed himself. Why did he have to feel this shitty? All he would be doing is visiting his family and the community to see how they'd be doing. The most that would happen is Rosita glaring at him or making some comment about his marriage.

 

 

  
Not like he blamed her for still being angry about it because she had lost two people at the hands of Negan (three if you counted Spencer.)

 

 

 

Rick got his breath back and continued to drive in complete silence, until he realized that he couldn't do that anymore so he put on the CD that was inside. Whoever made the CD clearly had an eclectic music taste because it went from hard rock to jazz music.

 

 

 

It didn't take too long to get to Alexandria and he found himself feeling tired once he got there because it was later in the day already. Maybe he'd end up having to spend the night if he couldn't make it back alone. And since he couldn't call Negan up on the phone it would probably make him worried. Last thing he needed was his reckless husband driving all over the damn place looking for him. Or maybe he wouldn't given their relationship problems at the moment.

 

 

  
He sighed then stopped the car outside of the gate before honking the horn to see if anyone was there to open it for him. Turned out that Carl was the one standing guard for some reason. Normally he expected it to be Rosita standing there with her hand on her hip. Rick smiled immediately when he met the light blue eye of his son.

 

 

  
"Hey Carl."

 

 

 

"Hey dad, uh what are you doing here? Are you alone?"

 

 

 

"Yeah yeah I came alone, don't worry." Rick grimaced at his own words like his son had something to still be afraid of.

 

 

 

Carl shrugged as if he didn't matter either way. "I wasn't worried but seriously are you okay?"

 

 

 

"I'm fine for the most part but I was just at the Hilltop for a visit so I thought I'd come by here for a while. If I stay too long then I'll be here overnight but I can't guarantee that will be the case."

 

 

  
With just a brief nod Carl closed the gate behind them and walked with him into the community.

 

 

They talked vaguely about what had been going on lately, what could be expected for the trade in the next few days and how Judith had been. Rick was grateful to hear that she wasn't having a hard time with him being gone. But it was also painful that he had missed a lot of pivotal moments in her life. Especially since she was growing so fast at this point. During those brief moments it made him think of Shane, how he'd look at him a lot of the time and think of him. As much as he loved Judith, his connection with her was by choice.

 

 

 

Rick had small interactions with the other Alexandrians as he passed them by in the streets but ever since that weird incident he avoided certain people. That was a long time ago but nothing was ever really addressed after that. Rick was told that Tara was with Eugene at the bullet making shop. And that Michonne was off on a run with Sasha as well as Rosita. Almost no one was around for the most part and Jesus as well as Daryl were visiting the Kingdom. Since Carol and Morgan were permanently living there now.

 

 

 

Everyone was so scattered that he didn't know if there was anyone else to really visit while being back there other than his children of course. Quietly he made the decision not to spend the night so he'd take as much time to see his kids as he could. Rick sat inside what he still considered to be his home and Carl made him some lunch. They had a lot of meat now that trading was a thing. Carl made him a ham sandwich with whatever else he could find and placed it in front of him. He took one bite and savored the taste because he really hadn't eaten all day. Unless Rick counted the snacks he grabbed from the market before he left.

 

 

 

  
"Has Negan been treating you okay?" Carl asked between gritted teeth.

 

 

 

"You don't need to worry 'bout me, Carl. It's my job to worry if you're okay, not the other way around."

 

 

 

"I'm still gonna worry about you dad whether you want me to or not so let me say this please? You deserve better than that asshole -"

 

 

  
Rick placed his sandwich down on his plate, "Watch your language."

 

 

 

"No! I hate that you've stayed with him after all he's done to us! Why do you love him? Why couldn't you have just stayed with Michonne? At least everything was happy then and we were a family. Now you barely come back home to see me or Judith because you're with your stupid ass husband."

 

 

  
They clearly needed to have a conversation about everything right now since Carl seemed to forget how important he would always be. Rick hated that he even had to explain himself at this point because he thought it was obvious. After all that he had done to keep Carl safe since the beginning. Trying to raise a child in the world as it was now proved to be a very difficult task after all. He tried his hardest but eventually they grow up themselves without any assistance or they get swallowed up (quite literally.)

 

 

  
"I'm still your father whether you agree with my decisions or not. So can you listen to what I have to say?" Rick raised both his eyebrows.

 

 

  
"Yeah, whatever."

 

 

 

"My decision to stay with Negan is my business and you have to respect that. I've seen things in him that none of you have and probably never will given the circumstances, and that's fine. Just don't think for one second that I've forgotten Glenn or Abraham 'cause I haven't and I never will forget. What you've been through in your relatively short life...no child should ever have to go through but I'll always be here for you Carl, for as long as I live. All that I ask is that you respect me at least a little bit."

 

 

 

Carl looked down with a slightly guilty expression, "It's just really hard for me to picture you with Negan when I've seen you so happy with Michonne."

 

 

  
"She'll _always_ be apart of this family, alright? It's just our paths just separated in other ways and we've both accepted that. Eventually in time you will accept it too."

 

 

  
"I know she still loves you though."

 

 

  
Rick smiled at his son, a tear was threatening to crawl from the corner of his eye. "I know."

 

* * *

 

 

  
If there was one thing that Negan hated it was being so distant from Rick.

 

 

  
They hadn't been sleeping in the same bed for two fucking days now and apparently Rick went a trip to the Hilltop as well as Alexandria. Which meant he would likely see his hot katana wielding ex. And Negan knew that Rick wasn't the one to cheat, but given their situation right now he wouldn't put it past him nor would he blame the guy. What the fuck was he really offering the other man? Other than stress,heartache, a constant agitation that was built up inside of him? All those things he said were things he meant deep down and they both knew that.

 

 

  
In Negan's opinion Rick had been straddling the fence for too long, he hadn't really been on Alexandria's side of things for quite a while. But he insisted that he didn't have a side that he was choosing both. Having both at the same time meant clashing between him and Ricks people. That same factor was also something that Rick wouldn't even let him forget for a goddamn minute. How they're his people still, how they were still hurting over what he did to them over a fucking year ago.

 

 

  
And he didn't mean to be insensitive but what the hell else was he supposed to say to them? 'Oh sorry I killed people you loved, here have some gelato?' That wasn't going to fucking happen.

 

 

  
Negan felt lost in his own community now that he no longer was the head honcho or at least no one really treated him like the leader anymore. In fact they just looked at him like some ordinary guy that lived in the Sanctuary. And if he was being honest then he could blame Rick for his decline in power, he could blame his own damn husband for making him do all this. He was pandering to people who wanted him dead, who would probably slit his throat as he slept and apparently they were the innocent ones. Apparently they were the ones who had valid excuses to still hate him.

 

 

  
What about his side of things? What about the people they killed that jump started this whole thing? He would have never even know about Rick and the piss patrol without them fucking with his shit, with his operation. All he had tried to do from the jump was reshape the world, carve something out for his own fucking self as well as his people. Yet Rick wanted them all to be united as one. As much as he loved Rick and wouldn't trade him for the world, he hated that he still had this perception of good and bad. The grey area is where their relationship lived after all so whose to say that Rick won't decide to up and end it officially? He could get tired of straddling that fence and actually pick where he wants to be. And Negan knows he won't be the one that Rick picks if it came to that.

 

 

 

He decided to take a walk around the factory rather than hide out in his room and make Joseph bring him food. While it felt nice to have someone still be scared of him he couldn't be cooped up all damn day. Negan strolled around, whistling his own tune, making light conversation with people. He really had no idea where he was headed because the wives room wasn't even that anymore. His husband was off doing whatever and he didn't really have any important things to do.

 

 

  
During mid thought he bumped into someone and caused the person to drop the items they clearly had in their arms. A pair of black satiny panties and a bra were among the items and he quirked his eyebrow. Negan picked them up then held them out to the person who almost made his jaw drop. She looked like a carbon copy of Lucille and he almost choked on his words.

 

 

  
"Oh my god I'm so sorry for not watching where I was going." The woman said nervously, her dark eyes were wavering.

 

 

  
Negan stared at her awkwardly, "No worries, no bones were broken so we're all fucking good."

 

 

  
"Thank you sir or Negan?"

 

 

  
"You don't need to call me sir, Negan is fine."

 

 

  
The woman reached her empty hand out to him, "My name's Layla."

 

 

  
"I've never seen you around here before Layla, are you new?" Negan accepted her hand and shook it briefly.

 

 

  
Layla did a 'sort of' motion with her hand, "Only been here for a couple of months so yeah relatively but I keep to myself. Unfortunately I wasn't here when you were taking wives because that would have made things so much easier."

 

 

  
He didn't really know what to say to that comment so he just laughed at her boldness and sort of admired it.

 

 

  
"That ended a long time ago and I'm married to just one person now. His name is Rick Grimes, i don't know if you've heard of him around here? The guys pretty fucking popular so I wouldn't be surprised."

 

 

 

"Oh yes I've heard of him." Layla nodded. "He sounds like a bad ass."

 

 

 

_You don't know the half of it._

 

 

 

Negan snickered at how everyone seemed to view him that way, "He really is a bad ass, how 'bout you? You in a relationship ?"

 

 

 

She looked at him a little nervously like he was implying that he was interested."Not anymore, my wife died in the beginning."

 

 

The words smacked him right in the fucking face and he had to regain his thoughts because wow, that's exactly how it began for him. And for her to look so similar to Lucille was giving him an eerie vibe like he was back in time. Negan felt his heart race when she looked him in the eyes again, his palms were sweating like a motherfucker and she looked at him concerned. This felt like a car crash just waiting to happen like he was driving down the road past the speed limit.

 

 

  
"Are you okay?" Layla asked him, touching his shoulder slightly. "I'm sorry if I said something to bother you."

 

 

  
"It's just that my wife died in the beginning too..she had cancer." Negan admitted out loud.

 

 

  
"Looks like we've got a lot in common, I'm sorry for your loss."

 

 

  
"Thanks and um, sorry if I've kept you from wherever you were headed."

 

 

  
Layla waved off his apology, "No worries at all I was actually headed to my room so I could fold up this laundry."

 

 

  
"Well I'll let you get to all that shit, maybe I'll see ya again soon? You could meet Rick sometime if you'd like?"

 

 

  
"That'd be nice, Negan. Have a good day."

 

 

As she walked away from Negan he found himself staring at her, not even in a sexual way but in the way that made him think about Lucille. Meeting this woman at such a random time when he's been having issues with Rick was.. pretty damn strange. He was never one to believe in coincidences so maybe there was a reason. So what did it mean for him and Rick?

 

* * *

 

 

  
Night time came quickly and Rick was finally arriving back at the Sanctuary after spending ample time at Alexandria. He got to spend time with Judith and Carl so that was one of the highlights of his day other than speaking to Maggie. When he got let inside the factory it was really quiet since mostly everyone was sleeping and in their assigned rooms. Rick walked to where he had been sleeping for the past few days then realized last minute that he should speak to Negan. Whether it was to tell him that he wouldn't be coming back to the room tonight or just to give a recap of the day.

 

 

  
Rick wanted so desperately to crawl back into their bed but he needed time away from Negan. And speaking that out loud would probably one of the more difficult things he's had to say lately.

 

 

  
He didn't bother knocking because it was still his room and he stepped inside to find his husband laying there with a book in hand. Negan was wearing his glasses like he usually did when he was reading fine print more specifically. The image made Rick's heart flutter but he quietly reminded himself why he was in there in the first place. Once Negan looked over to see him standing there he set his book down, but his facial expression remained neutral.

 

 

  
"Wow I thought you would never come back..it's like I'm seeing a fucking ghost."

 

 

  
Rick rolled his eyes at the dramatic acknowledgement. "I ain't here to sleep, just here to tell you that my day went fine if you were even curious."

 

 

  
"Why the fuck would I not be curious? Oh wait you still think of me as some maniac that doesn't have any emotions. Got it. You know Rick, I'm really fucking sick of you avoiding having a conversation with me. It's been two goddamn days and I haven't even seen you since our little conversation."

 

 

 

"You mean the conversation where you -"

 

 

 

"I'm gonna cut you off right there since you've got absolutely no reason to be pissed at me. To think I thought you finally saw me differently after all this time but you're just like everybody else. You treat me like I'm the worst fucking person out there when I can guran-damn-tee that you've met worse. The same people who would have killed all those people in the line up. And if I was any worse I would have slaughtered every last one of them while you watched."

 

 

  
Rick stared at him blankly like he had no energy left and he probably didn't. "I came here to tell you that I'm goin' to be stayin' in that room for a while..I don't know how long after this conversation."

 

 

  
"Go ahead and do whatever the fuck you want. But Rick, while you're layin' alone in that room just remember that you'll have to work for it when you come back."

 

 

 

Right after saying that Negan regretted being such an asshole (for once) and that was the moment that Rick slammed the door shut behind him.


	20. Things You Shouldn't Do but You'll Do Anyways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOHOO this fic (which also happened to be my first regan fic ever, this is the re posted version) has reached 20 chapters!
> 
>  

After having what counted as one of the worst conversations they'd had in a while Negan couldn't even relax. The only thing he could think of was how things were beginning to spiral out of control in his marriage.

 

  
Negan got showered, dressed and went to look for Rick since he had to be there for the trade. When he knocked on the door of the room he was staying in he got no response, which lead him to believe Rick wasn't even inside. He twisted the knob and when the door opened he could saw Rick putting on his shirt.

 

 

"Clearly you were ignoring me." Negan grumbled. "Which I don't know why I'm fucking surprised you would."

 

 

  
Rick fumbled wtih the buttons on his shirt, "What part of I need a break from you don't you get it?"

 

 

  
"Today is trading day so I kind of need you to stop being such an asshole to me and cooperate. These people will ask where you are so I'd rather not make up some reason why you weren't there. Whether you like or not you're one of us, you're apart of the Saviors not the piss patrol."

 

 

 

"Are you done now?"

 

 

  
"Of course _husband_ , now get your ass in gear and meet me out front."

 

* * *

 

 

  
All of the Saviors were outside loading up supplies into their vehicles, making sure they had enough to trade and making sure the household items were in good shape. Negan stood there waiting for his husband to finally show up. What the fuck was his deal? Rick could usually suck back all his emotions and do what was asked of him. But I guess this time it was a little more complicated than that.

 

 

  
Negan set his own emotions aside just to bark orders at everyone loading the supplies, telling them if they broke anyone then he'd fucking break them. And for the most part his Saviors were still scared of him. Or at least scared of the shit he used to do.

 

 

  
When his dear old husband finally decided to join them he glared right in Negan direction and walked right past him. His behavior was really grinding his fucking gears but he didn't want to get into a fight in from everyone. The pain of knowing Rick was just tired of being with him pretty much was like seven knives stabbing him at once. Oh fucking well.

 

 

  
"Everything is loaded up, boss." Arat stood beside him, her face was stoic and she didn't even crack a smile. "Where do you wanna for a personal visit? Alexandria? We'll make sure the other communities get their supplies."

 

 

  
"Yeah, Alexandria sounds fine to me. What do you think, Rick?"

 

 

  
Rick shrugged as if he didn't give two flying fucks, "I guess."

 

 

 

"Alright Simon you take supplies to the Hilltop and Gary you go to the Kingdom. Make sure they have our agreed upon amount of supplies and don't give them shit if they don't."

 

 

* * *

 

Rolling by Alexandria to give and take was a totally different feeling for Negan, but the glares still came like clockwork. But Michonne was being as civil as she possibly could given the circumstances and they had an ample amount of supplies. He got the Saviors he brought along to help load supplies into their pantry and took a stroll with Rick in the streets. The Alexandrians weren't all that thrilled he was there but nobody was causing any trouble. Not like they could jack shit in the first place.

 

 

  
Negan glanced over at Rick who kept looking ahead like eye contact was straining for him and it likely was at this rate. What were they becoming? Was their marriage just something that Rick felt obligated to? And was the space he was needing just another way to end things slowly? All that shit was actively on Negans mind since Rick wasn't making him believe otherwise.

 

 

A jolt of agitation caused him to practically drag Rick off to somewhere private so they could have a conversation. Whether it turned into a full on fight or not they had to fucking talk because the silent treatment was getting old. The disappointment from Rick was way too tangible that you could taste it in the air.

 

 

  
He entered some random house and got the younger man inside somehow. And he knew Rick was going to start yelling at him about stepping over a line, about needing space and all that fucking bullshit he'd been spewing lately. Quite frankly Negan didn't know if he really cared that Rick needed space because Rick never considered his needs. He had begun to see how one sided their relationship actually was.

 

 

  
Negan leaned against the pastel colored wall, staring at his husband who kept blinking at him. "You treat me like absolute fucking shit sometimes and you know I just chalked it up you still holding a grudge over me killing Abraham and Glenn. But it's a lot more than it isn't it? Everything is all fine and dandy as long as I do exactly as you want, say what you want me to say. As long as I fit the mold you need to me otherwise you go back to being ashamed of loving me."

 

 

  
"Are you bein' serious right now?" Rick raised both his eyebrows in shock.

 

 

 

"What the fuck do you think?! I'm so goddamn tired of the same bullshit over and fucking over. Every time we fight you bring up how terrible I am, how my way is the wrong way and it's pretty damn pathetic don't you think?"

 

 

  
"No." Rick snarled. "What's pathetic is you thinkin' you're right all the damn time yourself! Will you fuckin' grow up and see that I don't hate you, I just hate the shit you do."

 

 

 

"If that was the case then you'd try to work on what we have together instead of hiding like some little bitch."

 

 

 

"What the fuck did you just call me?"

 

 

 

"I said you're hiding like a little bitch, Rick." Negan slowly walked towards him, even without Lucille in his hands he still felt intimidating. He saw that feral look in Rick's eyes and it reminded him of before. How he looked when he had him in the RV for the first time, how he looked when he looked at him across the table. That same look that sort of struck a fear inside of Negan, made him almost shake in his fucking boots.

 

 

 

"Take that back." Rick got close enough they were practically breathing into each other's mouths. "Right now."

 

 

 

"No."

 

 

  
Both of them huffing and fucking puffing like there was no tomorrow. And Negan was starting to get hard in his jeans. Looking at Rick genuinely angry like this at him was hot as fuck, he couldn't deny that it turned him on this much. Right now wasn't the time or place but he took a leap. He smashed their lips together in a rough enough way to make it hurt until Rick started kissing him back. They shuffled into the kitchen but their lips didn't separate until Rick pushed him off.

 

 

  
"We - we shouldn't do this right now."

 

 

  
Negan dragged Rick back into his space and leaned him over the island in the kitchen. "I don't give a fuck what we shouldn't do. Right now all I want is to sink deep into this ass of yours, I fucking missed it."

 

 

  
"I can't let you, not right now."

 

 

  
His hard on was pressed firmly against the younger man's grey jeans but he could tell that Rick wasn't all the way in. Meanwhile Negan was drowning in the lust and drowning in the moment.

 

 

  
"Okay. Let's just get back and make sure these people didn't fuck up. More specifically make sure that Michonne didn't poison the food or some shit."

 

 

  
Rick moved away from Negan and scoffed at the comment. "Why the hell would she poison the food knowin' that I eat it too? She wouldn't do that."

 

 

  
"So you really think she's cool with who you've decided to be with? That's a crock of bullshit."

 

 

  
"She wouldn't do anythin' to harm me, you should know that by now. Anyways we need to go, I'm sorry."

 

 

 

Negan didn't even get another word in because Rick's bow legs were moving quicker than a damn rabbit.

 

* * *

 

 "Thank you for cooperating." Michonne deadpanned. "The supplies look great and hopefully we can keep up with this agreement."

 

 

  
"Unless you plan on kicking my ass again I've got no problems with the agreement."

 

 

 

"Good." Michonne took one glance at Rick. "Could we talk for a moment?"

 

 

 

Rick didn't look for any confirmation from Negan that it was okay and walked off with her to have a private conversation. They ended up walking into that broke down house they talked in after the first pick up. Michonne had her katana right by her hip like usual and kept tapping her finger against the handle. What she wanted to say clearly was eating away at her and Rick couldn't bear looking at her like that. He'd already hurt her enough as it is so if she needed to cuss him out then he deserved that shit.

 

 

  
"The reason why I brought you in here was to tell you that I'm not mad at you for what you've chosen, who you've chosen to be with. I've been trying to move on and I won't say it's easy imagining you..with him but I'm trying. Just like everyone I still don't really trust me and I'm doubtful that will change though I still trust you..I still trust in your leadership. And whether you still think so or not you'll always have a place here, Rick..always." Michonne wiped a tear away from her eyes. "What I want is for you to be happy in the long run even if it's with Negan, does he make you happy?"

 

 

  
"Right now, I can't say he does." Rick responded, he hoped the honesty in his voice would register. "I just don't know what to say anymore."

 

 

  
"We've got a few minutes so you can tell me if you need to."

 

 

 

"We've been fightin' a lot lately.. a lot more than we have in the past truthfully. Before I had better reasons to be angry with him..before it was a lot more simple: I chose to be with him to help Alexandria. Then it became somethin' that I didn't want it to become, sure there was that sexual tension between us that made me feel sick. It really made me feel like I was in constant betrayal of Abraham..of Glenn..of all of you..the people who are supposed to be my family. And then I noticed I hated him less, he made sure I was okay after an incident I had in the beginning, he protected me and then before I knew it I fell for him. He didn't show me that ruthless side of his all the time..he just showed me who he was underneath it."

 

 

  
Explaining how he felt for Negan was obviously painful for Michonne to listen to because she forced a smile and nodded. Her bravery and need to make sure he was okay always made Rick feel so many things. Though he hated that he kept hurting her with all his bullshit.

 

 

  
Michonne had her hands on her hips, "Go on."

 

 

  
"Now I'm just tryin' to understand if it's worth it to keep goin'..to make this actually work. What we have with the communities is better, its ten times better and I'm grateful everyone got on the same page. All I want is for the people I love to be happy..for Carl to Judith to have some normalcy."

 

 

  
"It's okay to want things for us, to want things to work out for everyone else but Rick, you've done so much for all of us and without you we wouldn't here. So now it's time for you to ask yourself what do you want. What will make you happy in the long run? You can't constantly work to please everyone then never make sure you're alright too." Michonnes warm hand graze his cheek. "Please try to do that."

 

 

  
Rick leaned into the touch, "I'll try, thank you."

 

 

  
"I'm always here, I'm still with you."

 

 

 

  
"I know you are."

 

* * *

 

 

They unloaded all the food and other items that were given to them by the Hilltop and the Kingdom. As they got brought inside the Sanctuary Negan was briefed with what happened at the other two communities (which was apparently nothing out of the ordinary) he went back to his room. And of course Rick didn't follow suit. Instead they went in separate directions which seemed to be the running pattern lately. It was probably going to take a shit load of groveling for him to come back to their bed at the very least. Which Negan didn't plan on fucking groveling any time soon.

 

  
Maybe getting some space from each other would result in them being able to work out their issues soon. Or it would be the fucking end of it all. Either way Negan obviously needed to wait and see. He'd never been known for much patience in his life, not even with he was with Lucille. She would always point out the things he usually tried to ignore about himself.

 

  
Despite how his body was screaming for a fucking nap at the very least Negan couldn't quiet hismind enough to allow that. So he went walking around the factory even though he'd seen every inch of the damn place. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to live in Alexandria or somewhere that felt more promising. And he obviously wasn't discrediting what he'd built there but it didn't always feel like a home. Not like there was a furniture store around the corner filled to the brim with fancy ass couches.

 

  
Negan observed the dank atmosphere a little closer than he'd ever have and noticed how unhappy people clearly were for a long time. The workers living conditions were shitty albeit he already knew that shit. Yet the only difference was he never really have a big concern for the majority, he always expected them to appreciate that they had a place there.

 

  
During mid thought he saw Layla across the way, she was munching on some chips with a smile on her face. From what he could see she was speaking to one of his old wives. And for some reason her hand lingered on Frankies arm in a more sensual way. She winked then started walking in his direction before he could get the fuck out of there she saw him.

 

  
For whatever reason his boots were seemingly stuck to the floor because he wasn't moving an inch. Not even a few inches.

 

 

"Hey Negan." Layla waved at him. "How are you?"

 

  
"I'm okay just um - I don't even fucking know. It's been a long day for me."

 

 

"I hear ya, from what I gather you did that big trade thing today."

 

 

Negan rocked back on his heels, "Yeah we did that shit today."

 

 

"Hopefully I don't sound too forward asking you this considering how it sounds but would be interested in hanging out?"

 

 

  
"Not like I've got shit all to do right now."

 

 

  
"What did you have in mind?"

 

* * *

 

 

Clearly he had rocks in his goddamn head because Negan decided it was a good idea to go to Layla's room to hang out. From his own perspective it didn't even look that bad since he wasn't going there to fuck. But if anyone someone saw them walking together and told Rick then shit would hit the damn fan. Negan really didn't want this to be the catalyst towards the end of their marriage. And it would be if he didn't treat things a little more fragile, if he decided that hanging out with her would be a regular occurrence.

 

  
Negan tried to sit away from her as she discussed her late wife with him, which seemed like a more intimate conversation at this point.

 

 

  
"She was fucking gorgeous..she literally looked like Naomi Campbell. No word of a lie." Layla sighed. "I'm sorry that I keep going on about my dead wife..must make you think that I'm a terrible conversationalist."

 

 

  
"Not at all, I could talk about Lucille all damn day, with the right person."

 

 

  
"It's not that I don't wanna hear more about her but what's your relationship with Rick like?"

 

 

  
Negan sighed, "Right now it fucking sucks ass and truthfully in the beginning it was worse for a lot of reasons. I just don't know how to fix it this time and I'd rather not make the wrong move then fuck shit up..again."

 

 

 

"Have you tried telling him this? That could help things along don't you think?" Layla shifted closer to Negan on her bed.

 

 

 

"That would be the smart move but the problem is I'm nowhere near that smart. So basically I'll just keep doing the stupidest shit until Rick really gets sick of me."

 

 

 

Layla blinked a few times at him, "This might be over stepping my bounds a little and we barely know each other but you can't give up already. Speaking from experience sitting around waiting for the perfect time to fix something is..pointless. There's almost no such thing as the 'perfect moment' we just put things off out of fear. When my wife and I were having issues with our marriage we just put off important conversations. Then in the beginning when she realized she was sick she would barely talk about it with me."

 

 

  
"Did you ever work it out?" Negan asked.

 

 

  
"Thankfully we did and we apologized for all the things we did wrong in our relationship. That moment where you finally admit all your faults, where you see where you likely went wrong lifts all those weights off. She didn't pass with a lot of regret between us."

 

 

  
Negan couldn't stop looking at her in an overly intense way and he just knew for a damn fact that she could tell he was staring. It wasn't like he told flat out that she looked almost exactly like his own dead wife. "I probably should go and take that nap."

 

 

  
"Oh right I totally kept you with all my ranting about my past relationship problems. Sorry."

 

 

  
"You gave me a little more perspective so thanks for that shit. I'm sure we'll run into each other again."

 

 

  
"I'm sure we will." Layla responded back, her lips were curved in this slightly innocent smile.

 

 

  
"This is just for curiosity purposes, why were you talking to Frankie, it's just she's one of my ex wives."

 

 

  
"Do you really wanna know?"

 

 

  
Negan absentmindedly stuck his tongue between his teeth. "What type of fucking story is this anyways?"

 

 

"We've hooked up once or twice. She gives great massages and one thing lead to another."

 

 

"Well shit, never saw that coming." Negan commented before exiting her room, his heart was feeling a little less heavy as he walked into the hallway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos + comments will always always be appreciated so leave them!


	21. Entering Dark Waters

In Negans opinion there was no need to make the leaders from every community alongside the higher ranked people in each of their groups to attend a fucking dinner party. He heard that it was that King Ezekiel's idea (which who the fuck calls themselves kings anymore?.) So therefore they were all going along with it because it was a good opportunity to discuss what they all want the trade system to be like. Negan basically said it as a way for them all to gang up on him given everyone wants him to choke on a dinner roll.

 

  
Apparently it wasn't some fancy ass dinner so he decided to dress in his usual attire given no one expected much else from him. The dinner was being held at Alexandria so that was even more awkward since Michonne was their fucking leader now. He'd have to spend an entire evening with his husbands hot ex girlfriend alongside their family that still would rather going to war. Suffice to say Negan wasn't looking forward to this shit nor was he looking forward to pretend everything was fine with Rick. They had to maintain appearances after all.

 

 

Negan had already picked who was going to be coming with him as representatives for the Saviors: Simon, Regina, Gary, Gavin, Arat and Laura.

 

 

Everyone could hold their own so he wasn't worried about anyone doing some stupid shit or making a mockery of their community. Negan mainly felt worried about if Rick would stand as a Savior, rather than play both sides. That shit wasn't going to fly and he would call him out on it.

 

 

  
And sure, yeah, Negan knew he wasn't the most poignant or soft about the way he approached things but this shit was bothering him. He hated how Rick acted as if he still was 'Team Alexandria' like he didn't choose his side when he stayed.Them being together was his own fucking decision that he'd have to live with unless they got a divorce. Which at this point that wouldn't be a damn surprise since Rick was already pulling away. And it really fucking hurt like nails being hammered into his damn skin but Negan wouldn't fight for someone who didn't want him anymore.

 

 

Negan had to make sure the Saviors he was bringing to the dinner were actually ready which turns out everyone but Rick was all the way ready. Instead of knocking relentlessly on the door he waited in the hallway for his tardy husband. For someone that seemed to value shit like being on time, being focused and ready; Rick wasn't.

 

 

Conveniently Layla was walking towards him in a way that was a bit off putting because she was all happy to see him. Negan was overly aware that he was skating on thin fucking ice with this woman but he enjoyed the attention. Not only that but she really did remind him of Lucille, only in appearance.

 

 

  
"Hey there stranger, I heard you got a dinner to go to at what's that place called again?" Layla snapped her fingers like she was trying to figure out the answer.

 

 

  
"Alexandria." Negan responded. "Yeah, we got some stupid ass dinner to go to and I'm just waiting for Rick to hurry the fuck up."

 

 

  
"My wife was the same way when it came to getting ready..she'd take her sweet time even if we had to be somewhere right away."

 

 

  
Negan lightly chuckled, "My Lucille was the same damn way, sometimes I'd find her fiddling with her hair for the millionth fucking time or changing her outfit. She'd always look hot as hell though so I guess it was worth it."

 

 

  
The way that Layla was staring at him made him feel...well it should have made him feel uncomfortable as all shit but it wasn't. Before he could say anything about that Rick was walking out of his room with a new pair of jeans on and a white polo shirt. Of course he was still wearing his ratty boots but that would never change.

 

 

  
"Finally you're ready to fucking go, we've all been waiting on you Rick." Negan narrowed his eyes. "Oh fuck I totally should introduce you, this is Layla. I just met her recently and she's pretty fucking cool."

 

 

Layla extended her hand, "So you're the Rick everyone always talks about."

 

 

"I am." Rick shook her hand briefly. "Um, Negan I think it's time we get goin'..I've already held us up enough. It was nice to meet you Layla."

 

 

"Nice to meet you too, Rick."

 

 

As soon as Layla kept walking in the opposite direction Rick shot him a glare so intense that it could move fucking mountains. Negan almost shuddered at the sight because the last time Rick looked at him like that was in the beginning. It was super obvious what he was presuming which Negan was actually glad he was jealous for once.

 

 

Rick cocked his head to the side, "Who the hell is she?"

 

 

"Uh I'm pretty sure I just introduced you to her? Unless you forgot her fucking name in the span of not even a minute."

 

 

  
"No I meant why the hell are you spending time with her? If you're fuckin' her I swear I'll -"

 

 

Negan let out a deep laugh, "Oh my fucking shit! You actually think I'm fucking her? Now why would I even do that shit knowing that you'd probably cut my balls off and make me eat them afterwards? And honestly the fact that you think I'd hurt you like that is ridiculous."

 

 

"Why not? I've got a history of people I care for hurtin' me and keepin' secrets."

 

 

"Do I look like any of those people? Last I checked I'm not the fucking one hiding out in a room not fixing our relationship."

 

 

Rick scoffed as if it was inconceivable what he was saying, "Lets just go."

 

 

"We can talk while we talk unless you've forgotten how to have a conversation with me."

 

 

"This is why I need a break from you! You take stabs at me like it's fuckin' funny like I'm some joke to you."

 

 

Negan felt the anger building inside him like every single word Rick was saying kept hitting some sort of button. How Rick was acting made it real fucking easy to treat him like he was being an idiot, which he was. Why he had to always be the bad guy in the story was beyond him. All he'd ever done even before was survive and make sure his community survived. And as a leader you have to make decisions that people will fucking dislike, that was just the reality.

 

 

The world the way it was now wasn't a place for people who saw things as bad or good. There were only so many things that were considered bad in Negan's eyes and last he checked standing up for himself wasn't one of them. Being told he was a piece of shit all the time or at least having that implied was agitating and he wasn't putting up that anymore.

 

 

He didn't bother getting in Rick's personal space to be intimidating because it didn't work the same anymore. Instead Negan just huffed out a laugh and leaned against the wall behind him. "You need to watch what you fucking say to me, Rick. I'm done being treated like shit and honestly I might just do something you won't like."

 

 

"Which is what? You don't scare me so stop tryin' to."

 

 

They stared each other down for a few more seconds before Negan was the first to head down the hallway. As if having to attend this dinner was already bad enough he had to deal with Rick pissed at him..again.

 

* * *

 

 

  
The car ride was awkward since Simon wouldn't stop yapping about the most random shit, Arat seemed checked out and everyone else was silent. Negan was actually relieved to be arriving at Alexandria, which he was even surprised to be saying that shit. When Simon finally parked the car Negan was the first one to jump out and knocked Lucille against the gate.

 

  
When the gate opened he pretty much expected Rosita to be the one standing behind it. Instead it was Carl and Michonne who were standing there as he entered the community. Negan flashed a smile at the younger Grimes who just glared at him and then nodded at Michonne who returned the same gesture.

 

  
Carl continued to glare at him, his light blue eye was twitching, "Oh great, you're here."

 

  
"Why wouldn't I be kid? This dinner is for the leaders of every community so why wouldn't I show up? Plus haven't you missed your favorite step dad?" Negan winked.

 

  
Teasing the fuck out of Carl was definitely a past time at this point which he had no intentions of stopping. Not like he'd ever really warm up to him unless all the shitty memories associated with him were wiped out of his mind. And since that wasn't happening ever he'd gotten used to being the evil asshole.

 

  
Michonne looked at Carl then at Negan, "Did Rick come with you?"

 

  
"Yeah, where's my dad?"

 

  
"He came and he brought his shit attitude along with him so enjoy." Negan set Lucille on his shoulder and continued walking into Alexandria, alone.

* * *

 

 

  
"Hello everyone and thank you Alexandria for hosting this feast! My loyal subjects and I are pleased to be seated here with you today! And hopefully we make history together by deciding what we want for our future! What we want for the new world!" Ezekiel exclaimed.

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes while pretty much everyone applauded his speech with hoots and hollers like he was someone important. Last he heard this guy was just some zoo keeper who had a pet fucking tiger that was even with him at the dinner. He could see tiger (whose name was apparently Shiva) tearing apart some meat that was thrown towards her.

 

  
After the dinner the Alexandrians that weren't apart of the inner circles of the community retired to their homes. Meanwhile everyone else went to the church to discuss long term plans for the trading system. Negan sat with his Saviors and Rick in the front row while Maggie stood at the podium to lead the discussion.

 

  
"Alright everyone, I think we all know what we want for our futures and what we don't want. The system that we have in place works for all our benefits but if anyone has any..objections..please voice them now."

 

  
Rosita was the first stand up, her arms were crossed and Tara was trying to get her to sit down. "The only objection I have is working with that asshole and it's obvious who I'm talking about."

 

  
"Last I checked you don't get to decide jack shit sweetheart." Negan scoffed.

 

  
"Go fuck yourself." Rosita seethed.

 

  
"Everyone here pretends that I'm some monster when no one here is innocent by any fucking means. At least the Saviors want to bring civilization back while some of you are pretending its a fucking theater production, then you got Gregory who can't do a damned thing right. Where the fuck is good ole Gregory by the way?"

 

  
"We didn't exactly tell him about the dinner." Jesus piped up beside Maggie who sort of chuckled despite the seriousness of the conversation. "Maggie's practically our leader these days."

 

  
"From one leader to the next I think the trading system will only work for so long until everyone gets their panties in a fucking punch and tries to kill me again. The keyword is try because I'm prepared to go to work if it comes to that. Everyone here needs to ask themselves if trying to kill me is worth going back to the way it was."

 

 

  
Rick got up suddenly from where he was sitting, "We won't be goin' back to the way it was, Negan."

 

 

Thankfully his other Savior representatives were staying quiet and saying some stupid shit like Rick was. At the very least they looked just as unimpressed by everyones stupidity at this meeting, Arat especially.

 

 

  
"Are you seriously defending them again? Get over the fact that you're apart of the Saviors now, none of these people respect you anymore and I think you know that." Negan whispered to Rick.

 

 

 

Telling Rick that was definitely not earning him any brownie points but he wasn't there to represent Alexandria or the people that were no longer his, he was his goddamn husband. Negan didn't want to constantly remind Rick of that fact and nor should he have to.

 

* * *

 

 

When Negan got back home he ended up doing the exact thing that he shouldnt - hanging out with Layla. He searched the whole place for her until he found her getting some food from the marketplace. Once again she invited him to go hang out in her room because she could tell he needed to talk.

 

 

There was a part of him that understood why he was giving himself opportunities to cheat then the smart side of him was screaming for him not to get too close.

 

 

  
She handed him a glass that had some strong smelling booze in it, so strong that he almost passed out. As soon as he sipped some of it he realized that it was fucking moonshine.

 

 

"Where the hell did you get moonshine from? I don't remember anyone making that around here." Negan took another sip of the potent booze, he felt tipsy already after a few sips.

 

 

  
"That information is top secret so I can't reveal my sources but if you ever wanna get really shit faced just find me and I'll hook you up."

 

 

  
"I bet you will."

 

 

  
Layla topped her own glass then downed the whole glass, "Damn this shit really hits ya quickly, huh?"

 

 

  
"Pretty damn quickly which is the whole point of moonshine, gotta give whatever redneck who made this credit though, its helped me forget the disaster that was today. I'm fucking sick of Ricks goddamn attitude, not that hes never been stiff and overly serious 'cause he has."

 

 

  
"Why do you trust me so much? I mean I get that you probably don't have very many people to talk to that actually wanna listen but why me?"

 

 

  
Negan exhaled shakily after taking in a deep breath, "You're just easy to talk to..not like Rick wants to fucking talk to me let alone let me touch him."

 

 

"Wow."

 

  
"What? Too much?"

 

 

  
Layla shook her head which caused her dark hair to flop, "I don't see why he wouldn't want you to..angry sex works wonders and it helps let out any pent up aggression. If I was him I wouldn't even hesitate."

 

 

  
"Really now?"

 

 

Having her admit something like that was definitely entering dark waters that Negan wouldn't be able to swim out of. At the moment he was thinking about laying her out on the bed and kissing his agitations away. Trying to fight the urge to be a scumbag that cheats on his spouse..again.. wasn't as easy as he thought.

 

 

What harm would come from a little kiss even if he just let her kiss him? Not like he was guaranteed to fuck her or anything and he could chalk it up to meaning nothing. Even though it would mean that he was willing to fuck up his marriage. If Rick did ended up finding out he would be livid, might even ask for a divorce or go back to being with Michonne.

 

 

  
Layla was clearly swaying closer because of the booze which was just enough to get her almost straddling his lap. His hands were bunched up at his sides so that he didn't do anything stupid like pull her closer to him. Negan licked his bottom lip but still forced himself to move an inch or two away so they had some space between them. And for some damn reason he didn't stop her from stroking his leg. He suffocated the impulses to get her hand to move towards his crotch.

 

  
You can't do that to Rick you fucking idiot, he'll never forgive you, he'll leave you and you'll lose the second love of your life over a quick screw.

 

 

Even though he couldn't stand up properly he still managed to stumble to his feet, "I gotta go ..I should just .. I'll see you around."

 

 

"Do you really have to go or are you just trying to get away from me before something happens?"

 

 

Negan rubbed a hand over his stubble, "Is that question really necessary for me to answer? I shouldn't even be here 'cause I just keep thinking about -"

 

 

"About what exactly." Layla purred seductively. "Maybe about me kissing you or is it about something else entirely?"

 

 

"I really should just leave and get some fucking sleep."

 

 

"So why don't you just go? If you really wanna leave just do it. I think the reason why you don't want to is 'cause a part of you is craving me and has since we met. Whatever the reason is its enough to keep you coming back."

 

 

  
Negans was trying to come up with a reasonable explanation but he was falling short evidently. It's like his brain wasn't working properly since all his logical senses were out the damn window. She was pulling him in like she caught him on her fucking hook and he wasn't really fighting it. And when she walked forwards with a certain sway of her hips he couldn't help but stare. Out of all the ways Negan imagined fucking up his relationship this really wasn't one of those things. No one else had gotten him to even imagine cheating on Rick. His feet wanted to move though it was like he was glued to the fucking spot until Layla was standing too close.

 

  
"If I let it go any further than it has already then I'll really fuck shit up and I can't afford to do that." Negan was really avoiding eye contact with her because once he gazed into her eyes he'd do something stupid.

 

 

"What's one kiss gonna do? He won't know if you don't tell him..I certainly won't tell him if that helps any."

 

 

Instead of walking out of the room and saying that they couldn't hang out anymore he let Layla pull his neck down so their lips could touch. She experimentally brushed her lips over his and then started kissing him. The kiss was really attentive like she was trying to show him just how could she fucking was. Layla slipped her tongue into his mouth which is when the situation started to escalate. She unbuttoned her dark jeans then let them drop to the floor, revealing her black satiny panties and her thick thighs.

 

 

  
Negan was getting lost in the moment a little too much because he didn't stop her from lifting her shirt off or unhooking her bra. He stared at the half naked woman in front of him which made him think of wrong it fucking was to be letting this happen. And that snapped him out of letting it get any further than it already had.

 

 

  
"Fucking fuck, I'm so fucking sorry ..I gotta go just ... I'll see ya around." Negan cursed under his breath before turning in the other direction and slamming the door shut behind him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It wasn't that late in the day so Rick didn't know why he was trying to get some sleep but he wanted to forget about Negans stupid ass comment. Why was it so wrong for him to belong to both sides? Maybe it was slightly foolish given where he'd decided to stay now that he was continuing to be married to Negan. Sure, he'd considered moving back home part time but it would look worse if he did that. Judith was still at the age where she wouldn't be questioning a lot and he got to see her today so he was happy about that.

 

And he also got to see the rest of his family so he didn't have a lot of complaints in terms of that. It just never seemed like enough these days.

 

  
Rick kept tossing in his relatively small bed in his fairly small room. He tried counting sheep, he tried reading one of the books he'd gotten from the library and he also tried drinking a bit. Nothing helped him get to sleep and it just made him think of how it was never that hard when he was sleeping next to Negan. He couldn't crack just to get a good sleep, he would look weak and fucking pathetic.

 

  
His hands squeezed the front of his sheets so tight that he could probably tear a hole in them. If he did end up going to spend the night in their room he would have to make it clear that he still needed space.

 

  
In the most hesitant fashion he decided to get out of bed and drag himself to the bedroom that he really belonged in. Ever since the change in everything no one was even guarding their bedroom anymore. Sometimes it seemed like a stupid idea but other times it made for more privacy. Though every so often he'd catch a Savior casually pacing around the area to make sure no one stabbed Negan in the middle of the night. Which Rick always thought it was dramatic of Negan to think someone would even risk trying to do that.

 

  
He knocked on the door but wasn't greeted with any response so he jiggled the doorknob to find it wasn't locked.

 

 

"What are you doing here -" Negan growled before going completely still. "Oh shit, sorry."

 

 

  
Rick scrunched his eyebrows, "Are you okay?"

 

 

"Yeah I just got fucking startled and I thought it was Joey."

 

 

"Why would he be coming by?"

 

 

"Sometimes I get people to bring me late night snacks..I mean you remember that right?" Negan said nervously. "Anyways, why are you here?"

 

 

"I'm here so I can finally get some sleep, don't think this is me not needing space anymore since I still do."

 

 

"Right." Negan deadpanned. "So you're only here to lay in our fucking bed and sleep but you don't even wanna be near me still? Honestly I don't fucking get you. If you don't want this marriage anymore then fucking leave already. Why would you waste my goddamn time like this?"

 

  
"It's still my bed."

 

  
"No, its only your bed when we're together and from what I gather you're on a break from me so right now it's my bed. And since that's the case I get to decide if you can lay in which right now I don't fucking think so."

 

  
Ricks eyebrows shot so far up his face they almost reached the ceiling. "That's bullshit! You're tryin' to tell me that I can't lay in the bed 'cause you're pissed that I need space? You still can't figure out why things are even like this right now either..you're so damn oblivious."

 

  
"Definitely not oblivious and you know what else I'm not? A fucking push over like you wish I was. The problem is that you treat me whatever way you please until I accommodate to your needs like fucking usual. Maybe you should have gone back to Michonne..at least you weren't disappointed when you were with her."

 

  
"I'm gettin' in this bed whether you like it or not."

 

  
"Actually you're fucking not." Negan stood in the younger mans way.

 

  
"Move outta my way, Negan."

 

 

"No and you're on my goddamn nerves right now."

 

  
"Likewise." Rick snapped. "You know what I don't even give a shit, instead of being a decent husband you decide to be a goddamn asshole. I don't know why I even expected you to give me an inch at least."

 

  
"I could give you a few inches just not the ones you want." Negan winked obnoxiously.

 

 

"Can you shut the hell up and just let me get some sleep for at least an hour? I'll leave after that if you really want me to."

 

  
Instead of being an asshole anymore than he had tonight Negan let Rick walk past him so he could slip into his side of the bed and pull the covers over his face. He really hadn't planned on sleeping so instead he just sat on his black couch. The only thing that was clouding his mind was how he let Layla kiss him and get almost completely naked in front him.

 

 

Negan groaned quietly at his thoughts and shifted through the multiple papers on the table in front of him.

 

 


	22. No Guarantees

 

 

_After some rigorous sex both Rick and Negan were worn out but satisfied._

 

_Normally they didn't get many breaks to wind down, relax or get a good fuck in given how busy things were at the Sanctuary so they took what they could get. Negan had his legs entwined with Rick's legs, He pressed kisses against his husband's back then ran a hand through his curls. Their room held so many memories, many memories that were pleasant, shitty and in between._

 

_Negan's heart was beating so slowly that it was almost as if he wasn't alive anymore, for some reason it was comforting to feel like that. All he ever did was run the whole community, keep everyone safe, try to bring order back to the world but he'd never been happy before. Definitely not after Lucille died._

  
_He had absolutely no fucking clue if they would get many moments like this in the future where they were genuinely happy to be together. Negan just had a feeling that this was the high peak of what they had together; which was fragile._

  
_"Would you ever hurt me the way you hurt Lucille?"_

  
_Those words popped the bubble they'd been lingering in for the past half hour, right now all he wanted to do was lay in bed with Rick. Instead he was getting asked questions that ruined the fucking mood._

  
_"What type of question even is that, Rick?" Negan made a face that hopefully registered as 'what the fuck?' instead of constipation. "You know I'd never do that you."_

  
_"Actually I don't know that 'cause people fuck up all the time and there's almost no guarantee in any relationship. The night I killed Shane I barely recognized him anymore and all those guarantees of who I thought he was, were dead. All the things from Lori to Shane to everything else after that..proved to me that no matter what people don't stay the same. I loved Shane, I loved Lori but things weren't even remotely the same anymore, not after I killed Shane and certainly not before. My point is we can't guarantee that someone won't hurt us, you can't guarantee someone will love you forever. And you either continue to love who they become or you love the ghost of who they were."_

  
_Negan took Rick's hands into his and pressed kisses onto his knuckles, "I love you too goddamn much to put you through that shit."_

_"You know if you do I'm warning you that I will leave and there definitely won't be any guarantee that I'll take you back. Understand?"_

_"Yeah baby, I understand."_

 

* * *

 

 

The last time he'd seen Lucille in a dream was ages ago in which she told him she probably wouldn't pop up again. Not only was Negan relieved that she decided to but he needed someone to tell him what to do.

 

  
Negan rested his head against the fluffy navy blue pillows behind him, then he felt delicate fingers against his face and he turned over to see Lucille. She didn't have a smile on her face or anything. The look she was giving was one he'd received a shit load during their marriage, basically she wasn't impressed by him.

 

 

"Oh Negan." Lucille's voice was laced with disappointment. "What have you done?"

 

 

"I know what I did was fucked up and that I should just quit while I'm ahead but I don't think Rick even wants me anymore. Once he finds out or once I tell him what happened he really won't want me."

 

 

Maybe it was time to genuinely give up on fighting for their marriage because what was the point when Rick couldn't stand the sight of him?

 

 

  
"Are you fucking stupid?" Lucille glared. "He still loves you."

 

 

"Not enough to make it work thought and who can really blame him? I'm the only whose hurt him the most what with me killing Abraham and Glenn. He sure as fuck never lets me live that down."

 

 

"I wouldn't either if I was him and truthfully if I was Rick I wouldn't have let myself fall for you." Lucille said sternly. "The way he loves you might just kill him but he knows that shit already."

 

 

"Why love someone like me? You know who I was before..who I've become is ten times fucking worse. I always say that I enjoy killing people..that its necessary and at times maybe I do but its about the control. When I kill some poor bastard to make people fall in line its about taking away their power, making them weak. And I subjugated the fuck outta Rick yet he still ended up falling for me."

 

 

"Deep down you know why he did."

 

  
While Negan did understand it was still mind boggling that someone like Rick could continue to love him. They started out as enemies then turned off into a totally different direction that landed them as lovers. At first their marriage was something born out of self interest. Then Negan found himself caring for the younger man and tending to him like he was something precious - something delicate.

 

  
That's what love was though.

 

You hold someone in the palm of your hands whether that's a good thing or a bad thing then you either crush them underneath the weight or protect them. Sometimes you do both even when you don't want to. Negan hated the idea of Rick returning to his life in Alexandria where he'd be happy without him but he didn't want to be selfish. His marriage with Lucille wasn't what she deserved and now his marriage to Rick wasn't what he deserved.

 

 

"Where are you Luci?" Negan glanced around the room to take in the atmosphere, it was their bedroom or what was their bedroom.

 

  
"Not where you think, it's peaceful here..a heavenly dimension of sorts." Lucille responded.

 

  
"Can you tell me anything else?"

 

  
"I can't tell you everything, Negan. But I can tell you that there's a place that people who are severely lingering between life and death go, it's a bad place."

 

 

"Whats it called?"

 

  
"That doesn't matter right now and the only thing you need to focus on is fixing your marriage with Rick because your future together is brighter than you realize. Go find him so you can actually fix things,he'll listen this time. Take his hand and look into those -"

 

  
Negan noticed that Lucilles nose was dripping with blood, "Oh my god."

 

 

"Cerulean." Lucille wiped the blood that faded from her finger tips.

 

  
"What? What the fuck does that mean?"

 

  
"Sky blue, that's the color of those beautiful eyes of his."

 

  
"What does that have to do with anything Luci?"

 

  
"Nothing, I just wanted the last words I say to you for a while to be poetic or whatever the hell."

 

  
Negan kissed Lucilles forehead and slowly let go of her hand.

 

 

  
When he woke up he was alone, sweaty but not overly uncomfortable just disoriented like usual. Negan wiped some of the sweat away then stared at the spot that Rick would usually be in when they slept together. Without Rick nothing really made sense and he was just going through the motions, losing all his drive. And he didn't want to do that shit anymore, they'd spent enough time apart so Rick should know what he wants by now.

 

  
So Negan was going to find out. 

 

* * *

 

 

Rick stared at the blank wall that he'd constantly been staring at almost every night, it reminded him of how he felt inside. And it also gave him a glimpse of what it would be like if he walked away from Negan. On one hand his family was back at Alexandria and even though he really wanted Negan to be apart of that he couldn't possibly be. Pretty well everyone would tell him to go fuck himself if he invited Negan to come back. Not only that but what would to the Sanctuary without Negan?

 

  
Getting told that your loyalties no longer lie with the people you'd spent so long protecting was off putting. It pretty much shook Ricks cage to hear that he wasn't apart of Alexandria anymore, that he was a Savior.

 

  
His finger twisted the ring around but couldn't bring himself to take it off which only reminded him of when he couldn't take off his wedding ring before. Before he had a hard time letting go of his past, of letting go what happened with Shane, what happened with Lori and how he wasn't Judith's biological dad. Now it was almost too easy to keep moving to whatever was next.

 

Whatever was coming next for him and Negan would either bring about a blank slate for their relationship or it would bring the possible end.

 

  
He put his boots back on so he could go search for Negan to have that conversation he'd been avoiding.

 

 

* * *

 

Trying to find Rick in a place as huge as the Sanctuary was a hard fucking task given there were so many people that lived there and he could be anywhere. He knew the younger man sometimes loved going for long walks to clear his head, which wasn't much of a clue. Negan didn't want to get some of his Saviors to go look for Rick because that looked a bit too much like a hunt, so he decided to do it alone. If anyone had seen Rick they'd tell him since lying was a big fucking no no around there.

 

  
Negan went into a running sprint down the halls, searching every empty room, the storage rooms, the rooms that Rick had probably never touched, every single fucking place he could think of. And there was no sign of that bow legged beauty he called his husband. Hid did however see his ex wives, some acknowledged him while others did not. He didn't necessarily care but it was just awkward if anything.

 

 

Just when he didn't think his day would get anymore confusing or stressful he literally bumped right into Layla who this time had nothing in her hands. Her eyes bore into him like there was no damn tomorrow and she stood there silent. This wasn't the time to be having any conversation with her yet he couldn't move because it's like she held him still.

 

 

"Are you even gonna explain yourself?" Layla crossed her arms in an authoritative way. "I mean you basically left me high and dry in my room with almost no clothes on, what the hell was that?"

 

 

"We were both drunk and I didn't stop myself which I'm sorry if I led you on."

 

  
"Look, I don't think you led me on it's just I know there's something between us whether you actually believe it or not."

 

 

Negan tried to step past her but she blocked his way, "I'm really in a fucking hurry right now."

 

  
"This will only take a second then I'll be outta your hair if you need me to be. I need to know if it meant nothing that we kissed because you sure as hell seemed into it which tells me a lot." Layla was leaned in extra close to him with her hand on his arm. "Tell me."

 

 

"You look like my late wife."

 

  
"What?"

 

  
"I said you look like my late wife which is why I've been nervous around you..it's also partially why I let myself be alone with you the way I have. You're obviously an appealing person so it hasn't been just that but it's the sole reason."

 

  
Layla didn't move away from him which meant she either didn't buy or didn't care. "So you're attracted me because I look like your deceased wife?"

 

  
"Yes and no." Negan sighed, rubbing his forehead to rid away the headache that was approaching. "Look I didn't mean for shit to get this far but I really need to go."

 

  
"So I've got no chance with you, at all?"

 

  
"If I wasn't with Rick then I probably would go for you but other than that, I can't do more damage than I've already done."

 

 

"One last kiss?" Layla ghosted her lips against his. "He doesn't have to know."

 

  
All Negan could see was Lucille leaning in to kiss him and it's like he was hypnotized because he let Layla kiss him instead of walking away. They were kissing not so passionately but enough for it to seem like more than it was. Which was a big fucking mistake since he heard someone walking around the corner. A wretched sound came from whoever it was and when he opened his eyes he saw that Rick was standing there. He lightly pushed Layla away from him, she got the hell out of dodge which he couldn't blame her.

 

  
The expression that Rick was giving him was so broken, so distorted that either he was the perfect actor or this super kicked him in the heart. And the latter seemed more plausible given what he witnessed. Negan wanted to catch the tears that was pouring out of Rick's eyes but he was the cause for them.

 

  
Rick was taking slow steps backwards like he was scared of Negan once again.

 

  
With each step forwards, Rick would continue moving back so that he was farther away from Negan.

 

  
"Baby baby please listen to me, listen to me." Negan tried to reach out but he was hand was knocked away. "It wasn't what it fucking looked like! I fucking swear on my life."

 

  
"You bastard." Rick sobbed. "You fuckin' bastard! Did you fuck her?"

 

  
"No I swear to every fucking powerful being there is that I didn't put my dick anywhere in or near her."

 

  
"Was that the first time you kissed her? Has she laid our bed with you?!" Rick screamed almost to the top of his lungs.

 

  
"It wasn't the first we kissed but - "

 

  
"This is what you decide to do instead of coming to me to talk, you decide to kiss some random stranger who clearly didn't care all that much since she ran away. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're a fuckin idiot?"

 

  
Negan rushed towards so he could hold Rick still in his arms and yet no arms were wrapped around his back. He could tell that Rick's hands were to his sides like he was sickened by Negan's touch. "Please, don't walk away. I was coming to find you so we could fix this shit."

 

  
"Let me go."

 

  
"Dammit Rick just fucking let me fix -"

 

 

  
"Let me go or I'll kill you. I'm fuckin' done with this, tonight I'm gonna pack up my shit and go back to Alexandria tomorrow."

 

 

 

"You don't need to do that 'cause we're gonna fix this shit."

 

 

  
Rick ripped himself away then put enough distance between them so he could take his ring off to toss it right into Negans face.

  
 

 

Watching Rick walk in the opposite direction of him felt like a small nail in the coffin and he didn't know if he was ready for the final nail to be hammered down. He'd really fucked up this time so trying to come back from this would happen or it wouldn't, there was no in between. 

 

 

He let the younger man turn the corner before going after him.

 

* * *

 

 

_"Why'd you ask me if I'd ever cheat you anyways?" Negan laid on his side facing away from Rick so it'd be easier to ask the question._

  
_Rick huffed, "Does it really matter why I asked?"_

  
_"I thought we were past all the petty shit, Rick. All I want is for things to actually work out between us rather than you walk out on me 'cause of some stupid fucking mistakes I might make."_

  
_"You can't expect someone to be fine with you cheatin' on them."_

  
_"I haven't done shit so why this came up when we're getting some fucking time to relax is beyond me. We don't have time to argue constantly about the 'what ifs' and rhetorical shit in general."_

_"Why am I constantly the one who is made out to be the bad guy? How the hell does that happen every time." Rick's voice sounded strained and exhausted, which said to Negan that they needed to stop getting into whatever they were._

_"No matter what I fucking love you, I don't love anyone else the way I love you and you need to remember that just in case I hurt you again."_

  
_It was just as Rick said earlier that there were almost no guarantees so they had to be prepared for the worst. Even though Negan didn't want to think about hurting Rick it was still in the realm of possibilities that he'd fuck up somewhere down the road. He stayed on his side of the side and waited for hands that didn't come._

  
_Rick scooted away even further, "I already know that you love me, that I love you, that you want this to last but what if it doesn't?"_

  
_"Then Rick, that will fucking suck." Negan lightly caressed his wedding ring and laid there waiting til they had to get up again._

 

* * *

 

 

Instead of going right back to the room he'd been sleeping in for over a week Rick ended up heading to their room.

 

 

Obviously Negan wasn't going to let him leave without fighting for them so he internally prepped for the escalation. How the hell could Negan let some woman into his life like that? And not only let her in but kiss her more than once, keep it a secret then expect to fix things? He'd warned him a long time ago about this so for him to forget all that was even more frightening. What if all the important conversations they'd had went out the window too?

 

 

  
The room felt like it was a merry-go-round just spinning in an endless loop, Rick was discombobulated to the highest degree and suddenly rushed to the waste bucket. He hurled out the minimal food he ate today, though the puke was mostly bile. That taste was absolutely horrendous in his mouth so he decided to down the glass of what seemed to be scotch on the glass table.

 

 

  
Rick looked throughout the drawers of the dresser to find every last one of his things to take back. All the items that weren't in the room he'd been occupying were scattered throughout the drawers. He sobbed when he lifted one of Negan's white t shirts to his nose and the smell engulfed him. If he was really walking out right now he would never been this close again.

 

 

A voice came from the doorway, "Are you seriously gonna leave me before I can explain what the fuck happened?"

 

 

Rick pivoted around to see Negan standing there completely vulnerable, "Why should I stick around? You kept shit from me, kissed that woman and what you weren't gonna tell me?"

 

  
"This is the exact fucking thing that I hate when it comes to us!"

 

  
"Maybe this whole marriage was a fuckin' lie."

 

  
"Don't say shit you can't take back, Rick."

 

  
"Or what? You gonna hurt me? Kill me?" Rick sniffed then wiped the snot from his face. "I coulda been home with Michonne and things would be  normal if I just ended this."

 

  
"Here we fucking go with the pity party again. I didn't kiss Layla 'cause I don't want you anymore, I kissed her 'cause she reminded me of Lucille and I'm a fucking idiot. Go ahead and act like I'm the worst person in the world over two kisses. "

 

  
"It's more than just what you did! You probably weren't gonna tell me after I planned to say I wanted to fix our marriage. Don't bullshit me by sayin' you wouldn't have hesitated after hearing that." Rick pinched the bridge of his nose and felt himself sobbing again. "Look at us..what am I supposed to do?"

 

  
"I don't fucking know." Negan croaked. "All I know is that I don't want you to leave me, Rick. I fucking love you and I'm so damn sorry."

 

  
"So am I."

 

This was the cross roads where they either walked away or continued and Negan had absolutely no idea which way they'd travel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peep the BTVS song reference ("Going Through The Motions" from 6x07 ) + the reference to my other fic (The In between)


	23. I Can't Pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make sure that no one gets confused, this chapter will be from Rick's POV during the week he spends away from the Sanctuary so each section will be individual days.

_**Day One** _

 

 

Rick was running over a lot of maybes in his head as he drove away to Alexandria for the week because he needed space to consider his decision.

 

 

 _Maybe_ they moved too fast.

  
 _Maybe_ they got intimate too early.

  
 _Maybe_ Rick got ahead of himself.

  
And _maybe_ it was actually over now.

 

 

He took his time while driving back to Alexandria so he could go over what he'd tell everyone, would they need to hear about his relationship problems? Not that it was really anyone's business in the first place. As he got closer to the community he stopped the car just to get a good slobbering cry out. Rick didn't want anyone to see him like this if he could help it.

 

 

Standing outside of a place he used to call home was surreal.

 

  
Rick called out to see if someone was standing guard and it was Michonne this time to his surprise, she opened it with a surprised look on her face.

 

 

"What are you doing here right now? Not that I'm not happy to see you." Michonne offered him a warm smile.

 

 

  
"I'm coming here for a week..actually I don't know if this will be temporary..uh can we talk at the house?" Rick held composure as much as he could but Michonne could tell something was wrong. She had always been perceptive like that.

 

 

  
"Of course we can."

 

 

She opened the gate for him and didn't hesitate pulling him in for a hug, he wrapped his arms around her waist just like he used to and sunk into the moment. Everything looked the same as it always did which is exactly what Rick needed.

 

* * *

 

 

 

_**Day Two** _

 

 

Waking up in his old bed gave him a strange nostalgic feeling.

 

  
Rick didn't know what it was exactly but with each movement he started to remember all the time he'd spent sleeping alone in the bed from when he had Michonne in it. Those were more simple times, when he didn't know Negan and when everyone still trusted him. And the main reason why that time was a lot happier was because Abraham and Glenn were still alive.

 

And he took that all away from them because of his part in the decision to attack that outpost. That decision unfolded a series of events that lead up to the very moment that he was in right now. Having to choose whether or not he should stay with the man that made their lives miserable was causing that conflict to build up inside him again. Either way he'd be looking at colossal damages to repair.

 

Instead of wallowing around in his bed he decided to head downstairs to eat some breakfast with Carl at the very least. Rick peeked in on Judith who wasn't in her room for whatever reason so he shut the down and made his way to the stairs. That was when he noticed Michonne talking to Carl who was holding Judith's hand because she was walking now. His heart felt shattered knowing he'd missed all these key moments.

 

  
Rick descended the stairs and they all turned to look at him, "Hey."

 

  
"Hey." Michonne casually responded before going back to talk to Carl, she pressed a kiss to his forehead then sent him out the door.

 

  
"Where are they goin'?" Rick felt disappointed knowing that he probably wouldn't see either of them much this week.

 

  
"Carl's headed up to the Hilltop with Tara, Rosita and Judith. If you don't want him taking him her I'll stop him now before he leaves."

 

 

Rick looked startled, "Oh, no you don't need to do that."

 

 

"Are you sure?"

 

  
"How many times has he done that?"

 

  
"Only a few times and he usually brings more than one person along just in case something goes wrong."

 

  
Knowing that he was now missing everything that Carl was doing also had him feeling guilty of being away as much as he was. Rick knew that Carl was growing up and basically didn't need him anymore but it was still hard to handle. Sooner or later he'd probably move up to the Hilltop, maybe build a life with Enid if it comes to it. And he was essentially missing all these experiences.

 

  
Michonne put her katana in the sling, "I'm going on a run to see if we can find some more items for the trade so if you want to come you can. I planned to go alone but I'd enjoy if you tagged along now that you're here."

 

 

"Not like I got anythin' to do today since I don't live here." Rick grimaced at his choice of words. "How long you think we'll be gone for?"

 

  
"Most of the day unless we somehow don't find anything."

 

  
"Alright lets head out then."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The run turned out to be a minor success because they somehow lucked out by stumbling upon an old house with items in it. Rick remembered what the Sanctuary was needing lately and made sure Michonne didn't leave anything behind. He could tell how uncomfortable she was with how much he knew about the Saviors operation, obviously she knew why he did but it still left an awkwardness in the air. Having her respect his relationship with Negan made it a lot easier though.

 

  
When they arrived back at the community Michonne was silent for some reason, as if she was thinking something over a bit too much. It made Rick slightly nervous despite how it didn't seem like anything stressful.

 

  
She walked with him into the house where they both slumped down into the couch together.

 

  
"Feels familiar doesn't it? We both had a day." Rick blurted out without thinking.

 

  
"The only difference is you're married..to Negan."

 

  
"I don't know if I gonna be anymore after this week is over."

 

  
Michonne let out a deep sigh then glanced over, "What happened?"

 

  
"You want the long story or the short story?"

 

  
"Whatever story you want to give me."

 

  
"Okay." Rick felt confused as to why she seemed eager to hear about this. "I don't know if you can consider this cheating but Negan kissed some woman, twice. He assured me that it - that it didn't mean what I thought it did. We've been having problems for a while and I didn't expect him to do this to me..he told me he wouldn't. That's why I came back here for this week so I can figure out if I got a place with him anymore."

 

  
"The question you need to ask yourself is if you love him still." Michonne responded plainly, there was still a hint of pain in her voice though not as strong as before.

 

  
"I do but that can't be enough it just can't be..I know I've told you this already more than once but it makes me think of how I didn't even make it work with Lori. We were already over by the time we voiced it out loud. And sometimes you just try to avoid the inevitable 'cause you hope things will turn out differently."

 

  
"Your relationship with Negan is nothing like what you had with her, stop comparing and start realizing that you chose to be with him for a reason."

 

  
Rick smoothed his hair back, "If this is too uncomfortable for you then we can stop."

 

  
"I can handle this conversation because I've come to terms with the fact that we're over, Rick. What we'll always have together is special and I'll always love you but I'm still moving on don't worry about me."

 

  
"You're better than me with this, way better than me in general. No one here trusts me anymore and I can't say I blame them given all the decisions I've made that countered with the ones I did before."

 

 

"Do you really need a week to figure this out? Or are you trying to stall so you don't need to make a decision?" Michonne gave him a knowing look.

 

 

"Maybe a little bit of both." Rick chuckled. "Thanks for taking me out today and thanks for -"

 

 

"I know what you're gonna say, Rick. And you're welcome."

 

  
Eventually the tiredness took over and they headed up to their rooms to get some well deserved rest.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Day Three_ **

 

  
Ever since Rick returned for whatever time length this would turn into he noticed how empty Alexandria was now. Everyone who was there before either was no longer with them or they lived in different communities now. Carol and Morgan lived in the Kingdom, Maggie, Enid and Sasha stuck to the Hilltop and Daryl was making frequent visits. And since the archer was deciding to go over there for see Jesus he went along. Rick insisted that they ride in the car together because they hadn't done so in a while, without any grumbling Daryl agreed.

 

  
At least ten minutes into the ride Rick was asking him questions that he technically knew the answers to, he just wanted to hear it from Daryl himself.

 

 

"Why are you goin' to the Hilltop so much?" Rick smirked at his brother.

 

 

  
Daryl squinted through his lengthy brown mop, "Why?"

 

 

  
"Just curious 'cause you know you can tell me whatever it is."

 

 

  
"Whats with the touchy feely bullshit?" Daryl tried hiding his smile from Rick. "Does it matter?"

 

 

  
"It matters to me whether you still believe that or not. You and Jesus together or just figuring it out?"

 

 

  
"I don't know what the hell we are but I - I like him okay?" Daryl grunted. "Don't go tellin' everyone neither."

 

 

  
Rick snickered in the drivers seat, "Whatever you say."

 

 

Once Rick pulled up outside of the Hilltop he noticed Maggie was standing up where they opened the gates. She smiled down at both of them then instructed Kal to open the gates for them.

 

 

Immediately Rick and Daryl received hugs from an excited Maggie who said how much she missed them.

 

 

This was the version of Maggie that he missed seeing, that he desperately hoped would come back after losing Glenn because he wanted her to be relatively okay. She was family and all he wanted for his family was them being okay. Rick carefully watched how Jesus ran up to Daryl, embracing him with a bit more intimacy and Daryl hugged back surprisingly. He left alone because he knew the look that Jesus was giving Daryl was one he'd given Negan so many times.

 

 

  
Rick pretended to care about Gregory's existent by respectively saying hello and he received one in return. He was shocked to see that Gregory was no longer in that room he'd normally go into but Maggie was leading Rick into it.

 

 

  
"Whats goin' on? Why are you in Gregory's um - room?" Rick looked around to find that everything was completely changed, even down to the décor.

 

 

  
Maggie shrugged with an overly pleased look on her face, "They voted him out."

 

 

  
"What?"

 

 

"They voted him out of power so now hes just a member of the community and not the leader. Everyone took a vote and they decided to make me the leader of this place which I almost didn't take."

 

 

  
"Wow, this is..I'm so proud of you Maggie. Why didn't you wanna take the spot? You were already runnin' this place?" Rick reassured her.

 

 

  
"I guess I was but I just didn't think I'd ever actually take his place y'know? This is what Glenn woulda wanted for me..to reach my full potential in this world and I think he'd be proud. I've been thinkin' all the people we've lost from the farm to now and I can't help but wonder what it would be like if they were still here. What would our world be like if we didn't lose anybody."

 

  
Rick touched Maggie's shoulder in a comforting fashion, "I like to think we'd be in a different place."

 

 

  
"Yeah we would. Not that I ain't happy that you swung by with Daryl but why are you here today?"

 

 

  
"I'm just spending some time away from the Sanctuary is all."

 

 

Lying to Maggie didn't feel right though he didn't know how to simply explain that his marriage was imploding and that Negan broke their trust by almost sleeping with someone else.

 

 

Plus she did vow to kill Negan if he did anything to hurt him so there was also that.

 

 

Rick spent a couple hours at the Hilltop just visiting with Maggie, Sasha and Jesus who was basically clinging to Daryl's side the whole time. And when it seemed like time to go he ended up going back alone since Daryl was persuaded to spend the night.

 

 

While driving back by himself Rick admired the scenery that wasn't occupied with walkers since he never got out as much while living at the Sanctuary. If he did decide to end his marriage to Negan and go back home he would spend more time outside. Even though the world was pretty ugly there were still things he'd forgotten to admire.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_There were wilting roses all over the ground of wherever Rick was standing, he continued to walk across the field that the roses were scattered on._

  
_And then he saw her._

  
_It was Lucille standing there in casual black clothing and she gestured for him to come closer._

  
_When he was finally standing in front of Lucille he could tell they were going to have a conversation about Negan._

  
_"Where are we? Why are there wilting flowers everywhere?" Rick asked curiously._

  
_"Those represent your marriage to Negan at the moment if you didn't catch onto that already." Lucille answered with a soft voice._

  
_"Do you know if we're gonna make it?"_

  
_"I know what will likely happen at the end of the week but I can't tell you 'cause you have to let it out unfold for yourself. What I can say is that Negan is hurting just as much as you right now, if not more since he was the one to hurt you."_

_Rick looked down at his boots, "So you've talked to him lately like you've visited him in his dreams?"_

  
_"Yes I have." Lucille wiped some blood that was dripping down both her nostrils. "But I won't tell you what he's said."_

_"Why are you here in my dream then if you won't tell me anythin' worth while? I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do."_

  
_Lucille seemed to be beaming with frustration and clearly had no problem showing him that. "That's the problem with you, that you always want to know exactly what to do instead of letting the chips fall where they may."_

  
_"Just please -"_

  
_"I can't, Rick and I'm sorry..I shouldn't have come to you so it's time for you to wake up."_

 

 

 

 

Rick woke up sweating immensely and decided to take an early morning shower because everyone seemed to be in deep sleeps. He stepped inside the shower with ease then let the water drip down his skin like rain pour. For a moment he thought back to when everyone was out on the road before they got to Alexandria, how they were waiting for rain, and they were so relieved when it finally started to come down. That's how it felt right now to waiting for the moment he knew what to do about him and Negan. He was waiting for the rain metaphorically.

 

 

  
Every little memory that he'd experienced with the older man was becoming excruciating to think about. It was all unraveling like a loose ball of yarn from the moment they were first sexually intimate, to the moment they first had sex, the moment Rick cut himself, to the moments where Negan saved him. And then everything else started tumbling down like there was no tomorrow and the only thing playing in a loop was when he admitted he loved Negan.

 

 

 

He remembered it word for word: _I feel the same for you. I love you, Negan._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**Day Four** _

 

 

  
"Are you living here now?' Carl asked during breakfast the next day.

 

 

  
Michonne sat there silently and chewed on the bacon that was made.

 

 

 

"I don't know,Carl. We'll have to see how things go."

 

 

 

"With what? Are you breaking up with Negan?"

 

 

 

"Just eat your breakfast." Rick deadpanned.

 

 

 

"Why is so hard for you to answer questions about this dad? Did he hurt you?"

 

 

 

"Carl , please leave it alone."

 

 

  
"I don't want to because I think it's stupid that you can come back like you never left then pretend like you're home. It's fucking stupid!"

 

 

  
Rick slammed his fist hard onto the kitchen table, "Watch your mouth!"

 

 

  
"Fuck you." Carl got up and ran out of the room then seemingly out of the house.

 

 

  
"He'll calm down in a little bit, it's still hard for him to understand your relationship with Negan even though he sort of accepted it. Give him some time and he'll come around..I promise."

 

 

  
Later that evening Rick read a bedtime story to Judith and she fell asleep in his arms, clinging to his button up like her life depended on it. Rick set her down to sleep but didn't leave the room, instead he stuck around to watch her sleep. She looked so serene like nothing was wrong in the world.

 

 

 

Rick settled down on the floor which ultimately caused him to pass out despite how uncomfortable it was. He got woken up by Michonne who touched his face lightly before she knelt in front of him.

 

 

  
"Have you decided yet, what you want to do?"

 

 

  
"No."

 

 

Michonne reached out for his hands and held them in her own, "You will and when you do I'll be there either way."

 

* * *

 

 

 

_**Day Five** _

 

 

Trying to figure out what to do about a relationship that had reached an extreme crossroads was almost never easy. Rick wasn't new to the feeling of wondering if something was over between him and another person. With Lori it took a while before he admitted that out loud even though they went months without even touching each other. All they did was survive with the rest of their group and then one day at the prison they knew it was over. Getting an official divorce was obviously not possible but knowing she could it was over brought that finality. 

 

 

But with Michonne that was a totally different story because they didn't get to that time period where things felt perfect. They got together after so much subtle and obvious longing and Rick couldn't have asked for a better start. When they kissed for the first time it felt like all the pain he'd gone through before they got there was shedding at least a little bit. 

 

 

And then Negan came along like a fucking freight train into their lives, crashing into all they'd built over such a short time period. 

 

 

Everyone lost Abraham and Glenn which from there set off a ticking time bomb. Now he was sitting inside the church twisting his wedding ring again only this time he was sincerely contemplating taking it off. 

 

 

Someone sat down beside him and they didn't say anything but he could see from the corner of his eye who it was: Gabriel. 

 

 

The very man that he never ever thought he'd get close to.  

 

 

Gabriel coughed before he began to speak, "You don't need to tell me why you're here but it would be better if you did since I might be able to help you."

 

 

 

"My marriage might be over..I don't think I can save it." 

 

 

 

"Why do you think it's over? If you don't mind me asking that of course." Gabriel asked softly.

 

 

 

There had always been something about Gabriel that made Rick understand why he was a priest, why he at one time was someone people trusted in the old world. Gabriel had a way about him that was soft,  definitely not an abrasive person. 

 

 

  
"I don't know if I can consider it him cheating on me but he kissed Layla..some woman he met at the Sanctuary. She didn't seem like someone I had to worry 'bout until I saw them kissing for what was apparently the second time. I told him that I needed to come back here to figure out if I wanted to still be with him." 

 

 

 

Gabriel nodded like he understood, "So have you figured out if you want to stay in your marriage to Negan?"

 

 

  
"I can't say I have." Rick sniffed, he really didn't want to cry in front Gabriel. "It might be uncomfortable for you to hear this but I really do love him."

 

 

  
"Why would it be uncomfortable? I admire how brave you are for trying to see the good in a man that none of us believed was anything but evil. To forgive someone despite all their shortcomings or in this case despite their sadistic ways.  I can't say that I agree with the thing he's done but I believe even people like him can change if it's the right person."  

 

 

 

Rick glanced down at his wedding ring again only he didn't have the impulse to take it off this time. "Thank you, Gabriel."

 

* * *

 

 

_**Day Six** _

 

 

The end of the week was approaching and Rick genuinely didn't know what he was going to do. 

 

 

Rick's heart pounded hard when he thought about tomorrow because he planned to drive back to the Sanctuary by the end of the day instead of waiting for Monday to come along. 

 

 

He kept running over the different set of words he'd say to Negan and nothing sounded good enough. When he thought of how he'd end their marriage he imagined saying how he'd always love him but they couldn't keep going the way they had been. He'd probably let them fuck one last time before leaving right after.

 

 

And when it came to how he'd say he wasn't giving up, well, that seemed a lot more simple.

 

 

When he laid down at night he let the worry slip away so he'd actually get a good nights rest for tomorrow. 

 

* * *

 

 

_**Last Day** _

 

Rick's stomach turned upside when he realized what he was about to do and he had to brace himself before he climbed out of bed. He ate breakfast with Michonne, Carl and Judith who was completely oblivious to everything that was going on.

 

 

Despite how much he had wanted to clear things up with Carl he never got the much because Carl didn't want to talk. And he let it be since forcing a conversation would defeat the purpose.

 

 

He was able to get a hug out of his son before he did leave with Michonne to drive back to the Sanctuary. Rick assured everyone that he'd be back relatively soon and they didn't know whether it meant he was moving back.

 

 

For most of the drive Michonne kept quiet until about twenty minutes in.

 

 

 

"I've asked this several times throughout the week but I know you've really taken time to consider what you'll do next. Do you know if you're going back to him or not?" Michonne asked him from the drivers seat. 

 

 

"Yeah I know what I'm gonna do." Rick stared out the window at the scenery that seemed to be moving in slow motion this time around. 

 

 

  
Rick didn't want to drive to the Sanctuary alone because he needed someone with him instead of wallowing in his thoughts for the whole drive. And the only person he knew would be especially comforting was Michonne. 

 

 

 

 

"When did you figure it out?"

 

 

 

"Believe it or not it hit me this morning, I started to think again what I'd say to him and it came to me a lot easier than before. Since I haven't talked to him all the week I don't know where his heads at, especially not after that."

 

 

Michonne kept her eyes on the road, "You deserve better than him obviously but I still support you no matter what you plan to do. And even though it's still painful to think about you loving him, it's very obvious that no matter what you decide today, it will be a hard decision."

 

 

  
"I don't deserve you to stand by me after all this shit that I've put you through 'cause of him."

 

 

  
"We're here, Rick." Michonne stopped the car close enough to the gates. "It's time, I'll wait here for twenty minutes and if you don't come out by then I'll know what you've decided."

 

 

Rick simply nodded towards Michonne who offered him the most comforting smile possible, showing her bright white teeth. He stepped outside of the car and made his way towards the gate so he could walk inside the Sanctuary and give Negan the answer he's been waiting for.

 


	24. I Can't Pretend Part II

_**Day One** _

 

 

Trying to figure out all the ways you went wrong after someone leaves you is emotionally taxing. And even though Negan had a tendency to be a masochist (more specifically during sex) this was too damn much. 

 

He memorized the way Rick touched him the day he left to go to Alexandria for the week to apparently figure out if he wanted this still. Negan didn't leave his room for the rest of that day and went to sleep with a bottle of that expensive ass Scotch they got from the Hilltop.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Day Two_ **

 

Negan tried to distract himself with whatever projects they had going on, whether it was working on how to grow their own crops, maybe start expanding their empire. What he had planned was revamping the whole system entirely. He wanted people to feel more comfortable living there because without happy people a community won't flourish.

 

  
Without a flourishing community there's quite literally no point in being the leader of the place. Negan envisioned so many new things for his future and he hoped Rick still wanted to be apart of that. He made sure his Saviors were out there scavenging a shit ton for the trade that was coming up soon.

 

  
And while it was so much easier to just take shit from people, this had a lot more benefits because they wouldn't all find the same things. Everyone was located in such different areas that it was unlikely. Negan walked around the whole Sanctuary to see what needed to be upgraded or fixed, whether it was in living quarters or random rooms. He even took into consideration of what rules still needed to be implemented and what rules didn't.

 

  
Negan ended up spending most of his day focused on everyone elses problems. And went to his room with the intention of thinking of his own. What would he do without Rick if he decided to leave him? He kicked himself for getting this attached in the first place, for even allowing himself to fall for the man. The same man who wanted him dead in the beginning of all this.

 

  
That night they met was one of the most climatic nights that Negan had ever experienced. When he walked out of that RV he didn't at all expect someone like Rick to be the leader of Alexandria. Mainly he expected some loser who wasn't beautiful and shaking like a leaf. That's what drew him towards Rick like a bee to honey, the possibility of breaking him so badly he wouldn't be able to function the same. And he'd done his best to do so in the beginning, only for Rick to do some self sacrifice shit. Which is what spawned their marriage in the first place.

 

  
It had never really been about mutual desire, it was Rick sacrificing himself for the greater good - being a martyr.

 

  
Negan didn't sleep one lick because the thought of Rick just up and leaving him was stomping into the possibility that he wouldn't. Why the fuck would Rick even bother sticking around anyways? For love? That wasn't enough to make someone stay with another person, at least not in most cases.

 

  
The empty space right next to Negan was beginning to feel a lot more empty.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Day Three** _

 

"Are we really going to keep trading with these communities forever or is there some plan you're not telling us boss?" Simon asked bluntly during one of their meetings, his dark eyes were boring into him.

 

Before Negan could even start explaining himself he had everyone at the fucking table piping in like there was no tomorrow.

 

  
Regina flexed her shoulders, "I agree, what are we doin' here? We've got absolutely no reason to be nice to them besides the fact that you're married to the former leader of Alexandria." She gestured towards Negan respectively.

 

  
Everyone in the room seemed to be very opinionated on this topic which he understood because the trading system was working but to what end? The other communities probably had no intention of just handing them shit forever. What about when things start to become scarce all over again? What about when it starts to get colder around there? Nothing really lasts forever, not people, not relationships, not any damn thing.

 

  
"I get where everyone's coming from, I do and normally I'd just say that it's my way or the fucking highway. But I actually value your opinions about this since we haven't stopped being the Saviors. We bring civilization back to this shit show of a world, we are expanding and most of them just wanna play house and do whatever the fuck they feel like doing." Negan rested Lucille on the table in front of him. "It doesn't matter whether I'm married to Rick or not, our community comes first and fucking foremost." 

 

  
Simons straight face slipped into a devious smile, "What are you proposing we do then?"

 

  
"We come up with a plan just in case this all goes pear shaped because I refuse to get fucked over, no more of them blindsiding us once they grow tired of this situation."

 

  
This wasn't at all what Negan anticipated would happen but he needed to protect what he'd built and it didn't matter if Rick was down for it or not.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**_Day Four_ **

 

The next day Negan took some time for himself which meant drinking and staying cooped up in his room all day. He went over some of the things that were written down during their the meeting yesterday. And then someone was knocking on his door which puzzled the fuck out of him since he told everyone to leave him alone unless it was important.

 

  
Negan stomped over to his door and opened it with a look of pure agitation that went down a notch once he realized who was there.

 

 

  
"Can I come in? Unless its a bad time." Layla stared at him a bit nervously.

 

 

  
"It's a bad time but sure, come on in."

 

 

  
He kept his arms crossed to show that he wasn't willing to play any type of games, if she tried to kiss him again she'd have to leave.

 

 

  
"I'm so sorry for what I did and I didn't come here to make things worse." Layla said apologetically.

 

 

  
"Well shit's already as bad as it can get so say whatever else you needed to say."

 

 

  
"The only thing I came here to say was sorry, that I didn't mean to help ruin your marriage and that I shoulda kept my feelings in check. Are you guys broken up now or just taking a break?"

 

 

  
Telling the woman that helped him do the stupidest shit he could have done what the status of his marriage was seemed..pretty fucking stupid. But he didn't have anyone to tell it to so he was going for it.

 

 

  
Negan reluctantly dove right into the conversation, "Honestly I don't know what the fuck's happening right now. All I know is that Rick left a few days ago so he could figure out if he wants a divorce. Not to say it wasn't partially your fault that I'm in this position but you weren't fully to blame. I let things escalate the first time when I shouldn't have and I didn't stop you the last time either. So if you're beating yourself up over this shit, don't. At some point I need to accept that I fucked up my own relationship with my stupid mouth."

 

 

 

"Have you considered what you'll say to him once he comes back to give you his decision? Like if he decides its over will you persuade him to stay?"

 

 

  
"That's a good question." Negan noted. "I want to say the right shit but if hes hell bent on leaving me I won't stop him. If he wants to throw our relationship away after everything we went through then I don't fucking care."

 

 

  
"Do you really mean that or are you hoping that you mean it?"

 

 

  
"Why the fuck do you care anyways?"

 

 

  
Layla's facial expression didn't change upon his harsh words, "Maybe all I ever wanted was to help you."

 

 

  
"Well you didn't and right now I'm fucking pissed so I just need to be alone. Okay?"

 

 

  
"Of course, if you need to talk and I mean just talk you know where to find me."

 

 

  
Right after Layla left the room he closed the door behind her and waited until her footsteps descended so he could start flipping his goddamn lid. Negan strode over to the table where his papers rested and tossed them onto the floor. He grabbed Lucille and swung at nothing, the bat made a whooshing sound that he wished was the sound of a cracking skull. All he wanted was to destroy somebody right now because he felt destroyed himself. Everything felt too fucked up.

 

 

Negan kept swinging at absolutely nothing which if anyone else were in the room they'd probably be frightened. And he really wouldn't blame them.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Day Five** _

 

Instead of spending the whole day doing productive shit, apparently a party had been secretly planned by Simon and Arat. The party was for the Saviors only and also to get Negan up to par.

 

There was food prepared by the cooks, a shit load of booze was brought in (majority of it from Gregory) and all there was even planned entertainment. Which bascially meant that whoever had some sort of talent would be apart of said entertainment. Some of his Saviors were funny as fuck so the comedy routines were tasteful, they did some mock karaoke that was extra hilarious because mostly everyone was wasted.

 

  
After the past few days Negan needed some time to not worry about his failing marriage and Rick. Whatever was going to happen would happen, there literally wasn't a damn thing he could about it. If Rick did divorce him then they he would go back to fucking whoever he damn well pleased, maybe get back a few of his ex wives and have a huge ass orgy.

 

  
Negan poured himself some of the moonshine that had been made by one of the guys in the Sanctuary and his eyes almost popped out of his skull. That shit was some of the strongest he'd ever fucking tasted, he gulped it down and he could have sworn he saw double for a moment. 

 

  
And just when Negan thought the evening was going fine he overheard a conversation happening in the hallway. Whoever they were had no problem discussing Rick with the other two guys standing with him.

 

  
"Why did Negan get rid of his wives again?" The one man exclaimed with confusion in his voice.

 

  
A weaker sounding voice interrupted the other man, "We're all Negan -"

 

  
"Shut the fuck up Brad."

 

 

  
Brad retorted back shakily, "I'm just sayin' that it's none of our business what he does with his time. And that Rick guy seems like a bad ass if you ask me."

 

 

  
"No one asked and he ain't a bad ass.. you saw him that night Negan met him. He looked like a weak, pathetic, little bitch. I woulda made him even more of a bitch by pounding him into the dirt in front of his people. I'm tellin' you if I had the opportunity I'd make him swallow my dick until he choked."

 

  
Negan whistled his usual tune to get their attention and stepped out into the hallway. "I see no one out here is enjoying the party."

 

 

  
"W-w-we're very sorry, sir." Brad gulped. "I'm sure Chuck didn't mean it."

 

 

  
"You're definitely not the problem but these two jack asses who for the life of me I can't remember the names of, seemed to love discussing how they'd rape my husband if they could. Unless I'm hard of fucking hearing which I very well may be after drinking that moonshine. " Negan slurred but still maintained his usual presense. "Was I hard of hearing or did you say that shit?"

 

 

  
Chuck shook his head, "I didn't mean it."

 

 

  
"It sure sounded like you meant it and you know what I'm too drunk to go over the goddamn rules so -" Negan lunged forward and grabbed Chuck's messy brown hair. He slammed his face into the wall a couple times before tossing him to the ground that had some blood staining it. And when he noticed Chuck was trying to get up he just stomped on his back. It had been a while since he beat someone senseless so he was having a great fucking time. The other two were just standing there watching their buddy get beat and did absolutely nothing.

 

 

  
Negan stopped beating the shit out of the man and asked for the two other guys to get him the fuck up. When they obeyed he stared right into Chuck's eyes so he could make his point even more clear. "You're going into the fucking hole. Can you two take him there, make sure hes stripped of his clothes."

 

 

  
"Please! No!" Chuck screamed as he was dragged down the hallway.

 

 

  
Once the drunkenness wore off he'd deal with that asshole but until that happened he had no intention of stopping the party.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**Day Six** _

 

Dealing with the man he had locked up basically consisted of ordering a few more of his Saviors to beat him up even worse than he was. And by the end of it he was a swollen mess that could barely form a sentence. That was exactly what he missed seeing, someone so fucked up all because of him.

 

 

And if Rick came back saying that he hadn't changed he would tell him that he was probably right. The real him was hiding under all that emotion, all the love he felt for Rick was essentially weakening him and he should have shut that shit down. Negan should stopped that before it started because he needed to be ruthless.

 

 

Obviously he wouldn't be able to cut off how he felt for Rick now but things needed to change.

 

 

So if the younger man did decide that they were still married then he'd need to understand that he was apart of the Saviors, no more of that playing both sides bullshit.

 

 

  
Negan got into the shower for what was indefinitely a fucking exhausting day and turned the water to the hottest he could handle. The feeling on his skin was burning but satisfying given how sweaty he'd been. He used one of the clean loofah's he had then scrubbed his body down with generic smelling soap.

 

 

Thoughts of Rick started coming in yet Negan didn't want to stop them because they were at least good memories. He thought of all the mornings they'd woken up next to each other, how Rick's hands felt on his face, that scar on Ricks nose that he found beautiful, all the little details that Rick wouldn't think he remembered.

 

 

  
Once he was finished with the extremely hot shower Negan shut his mind down so he could have a few drinks before getting some shut eye.

 

 

Tomorrow would be a big fucking day.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Last Day** _

 

Decisions are what define you.

 

 

Some people don't believe that shit but Negan really did believe it. He'd seen this be the case time and time again. All the ugly thing he'd done in name of trying to keep his people alive, trying to bring back civilization, defined him as a monster.

 

 

And if being a monster was what it fucking took to help reshape the world then he'd be a goddamn monster. Negan would push past all the shit people had to say about him just to do that.

 

 

Whatever certainty he thought he had before was long lost and he was fully prepared for the possibility of Rick walking away.

 

 

He watched the door, basically waiting for Rick to open it so they could maybe embrace or kiss then Rick would get down to the nitty gritty. The ball was in his fucking court because he wasn't the one who wanted things to end in the first place. All he wanted was for Rick to be by his side as he made a difference in the world. Or at least in Virginia.

 

 

  
When the door knob started to jiggle Negan slammed back a drink, just for the sake of liquor courage. He didn't move one inch from where he was sitting on the couch, all he did was wait until the door swung open. Negan looked Rick up and down when he walked inside what might only be his room again.

 

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes when he realized he'd be the first one to speak, "Welcome home or well I don't fucking know if this is your home anymore."

 

 

  
"Are we seriously startin' our conversation like this? Why can't you just be civil no matter what I plan to say?" Rick sounded weary, his voice didn't have any bite to it.

 

 

  
"Okay well get on with it, break my fucking heart or don't but at least be helpful and tell me what you chose."

 

 

  
"I'm stayin'..I chose to stay. My decision was originally to go back home but on the way here I changed my mind. The reason I did that wasn't just 'cause what we've built here is special, it was also 'cause I can't imagine my life without you now. Sure we'd see each other for trades or whatever but it wouldn't be enough. You'd end up movin' on and I'd regret my decision later on. Just don't make me regret what I've decided now, please."

 

 

  
Negan got up from the couch and slowly walked over to his husband. "Welcome back baby."

 

 

  
When they embraced each other he felt how much Rick was shaking, he pressed the younger man tight to his chest and whispered that it would be okay. Even though knowing them it might not be.

 

 

 

"What'd you do while I was gone?" Rick laughed into his white t-shirt. "Eat buckets of gelato?"

 

 

  
"That's very fucking funny Rick, and no, I didn't eat buckets of gelato. We had a huge ass party the other night with the gang..it woulda been even more fun if you were there." Negan cooed.

 

 

  
"Has much happened around here?"

 

 

  
"Just a few meetings about not so important things." Negan lied through this teeth, he couldn't tell Rick about what was discussed because that would ruin the whole damn thing.

 

 

  
"Not so important things? Sounds suspicious."

 

 

They both stepped away from their hug and when Rick looked into his eyes it's like he could tell something was off. Negan had to do damage control to keep him off the scent.

 

 

"Don't you worry darling, we'll be okay."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well y'all the end for this ride has finally approached, maybe it would have been better to not delete the original Kiss or Kill but this turned out better. The chapters were better over all, i got to pour some personal angst into the story & the ending to me is satisfying. 
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> This was believe or not my first regan fic ever but due to me re posting i forgot when i first posted it. Nevertheless i will always hold a special place since it will always be my baby. Hopefully everyone enjoyed reading it as much as i have writing it. Please leave me comments of a favorite moment, favorite chapter or just what was enjoyable in general. 
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> Also, i do hope at least some of y'all have enjoyed S8 so far since i have! we have got some regan goodness + great episodes (so far) + the glory that was 8x05.
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> thanks again for reading!!!


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